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Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria

Posted by alexandra_k on September 19, 2005, at 20:31:19

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( alexandra_k, posted by kerria on September 19, 2005, at 8:31:29

> Thank you for your ideas, for caring to write, Alexandra.

You are welcome :-)
I hope that you know that when I don't reply to your threads it isn't because I don't care - it is just that I find it hard to know what to say sometimes. And I have stuff going on too. And work. There is always the work that I should be doing...

> There is so much unsaid, not a complete understanding of my situation at all displayed.
The things i wrote are not complete truths at all. They give a distorted impression of what it's really like.

Sure. But everybody does this. We can't have a full understanding because we are limited to a perspective. And then our perspective is limited further still by all sorts of sh*t that is going on for us. Everybody does this. And the therapists case study reveals as much (if not more) about the therapist than it does about the client and conversely what we have to say about our therapists reveals as much (if not more) about us than it reveals about the therapist. But still... Some things can be worked out. Sort of, sort of...

> i can't help it because i don't have communication with my parts.

Its not a matter of 'helping it' because everybody does this to a greater or lesser extent. With respect to communication... Thats why I think it is important for you to work with a t who won't communicate to your parts and relay messages to you on their behalf. If your t is doing this then I reckon it would be next to impossible to get internal communication up off the ground. But at this point... That is the only way for you to get better. Thats where you need to contract to do the best you can to work towards internal communication with your parts. So your t can help you (all) contract to doing things that are going to help you all and improve your life. Without this... I don't see how progress can be made.

> i can't go back to T2.

Okay... Lets see...

> i found T2 about 2 years ago through the ISSD and started seeing him and it was going well. i talked in the session a lot about T1 and how upsetting therapy was with him and the good things about T1 too- that my child parts thought of T as their favorite teacher, that it was hard not to ever see T1 again. They cried because they missed him and T2 also wouldn't talk to them so that made them doubly unhappy.

Okay. So at that point T2 was faced with a decision... He could talk to your child parts and keep them happy that way... And what would the consequences of that be? That you wouldn't communicate with them, that they wouldn't try to communicate with you. That you will start missing sessions because of what your parts are up to etc etc. Sounds to me like T2 was trying to HELP you. And that he appreciated that sometimes the easy short term quick fix keep the client happy option is actually detrimental in the long run...

And now the crucial bit comes along...

Did you start to work to get internal communication up off the ground?????
(Sounds like you were just about there...)

>If only T2 had tried to form a relationship with them it would have helped so much not to have to go back once to see T1.

Ah. So you went back to your old therapist...

And that stuffed up what T2 was trying to do to help you. Can you see that?

> There was a letter from T2 on the table. He wrote how he would not be responsible for me in any way any longer and would never see me or have anything to do with me. It said that there were copies mailed to T1 and to my psyDr.

Yeah. I bet T2 was pretty pissed off with T1. I think it was fairly unethical of T1 to see you about then...

> i totally fell apart reading it. i even sent it back to him, explaining how it hurt me - asking him how he would feel if it were him that received a letter like that if he were seeing a new T and thought things were going well.

Yeah. It is hard when one doesn't understand why.

> i think that T2 didn't want to have me for a client and jumped on the opportunity. i could be mistaken but it was never discussed that seeing T1 one isolated time would terminate therapy. Most Ts would understand, i would think, that the T relationship is hard to abruptly stop. He didn't or else he didn't care how upsetting it would be for me. i had even waited for an opening to see him for about two- three months before i started and he treated me so badly.
> He wouldn't take me back. That's what he said in the letter.

It doesn't sound to me like things are irrevokable... I reckon that if you were to write him something about how you understand that internal communication has to be one of the main things to work on... And that you understand that that means that he isn't going to be relaying messages to you from your parts... And that you understand that that means that you can't keep going back to your old t because your old t is ENCOURAGING you to remain split... And that you are sick and tired of going around the same old cirles and that you are willing to do your best to try and get better... That he just might take you back.

Because I think that things are pretty confusing with T1. And I think thats a combination of where you are at (some of that confusion will be there with any t you see) and what your t is doing (and another t might be a bit confusing in some respects but long term with respect to your getting better...) I think you could still do a lot better than your current t.

And I reckon... That T2 sounds pretty good :-)

> i dislike some of the beliefs of the ISSD. Many in that organization don't believe that every person with DID can be helped.

I would imagine... That they do believe people can be helped or they wouldn't have anything to do with the society.

I have read some of the ISSD stuff online and I have to say that I was fairly impressed. I didn't manage to get through all of it (or even most of it) but what I read sounded fairly sensible.

That being said....

My favourite philosopher Daniel Dennett was invited to the ISSD conference in Chicago in 1988 (so thats a little while ago now). Here is part of what he had to say

'... that is the cliquish - almost cultish - character of those who currently espouse the cause of MPD. In a world where those who are not for MPD are against it, it is perhaps not suprising that "believers" have tended to close ranks. Maybe it is not suprising either that at meetings like the one we attended in Chicago there is a certain amount of well-meaning exaggeration and one-upmanship. We were however not prepared for what - if it occurred in a church - would amount to "bearing witness". "How many multiples have you got?" one therapist asks another one over breakfast in Chicago, "I'm on my fifth". "Oh, I'm just a novice - two, so far". "You know Dr. Q - she's got fifteen in treatment; and I gather she's a multiple herself". At lunch: "I've got a patient whose eyes change colour". "I've got one whose different personalities speak six different languages, none of which could possibly have been learned". "My patient Myra had her fallopian tubes tied, but when she switched to Katie she got pregnant". At supper: "Her parents got her to breed babies for human sacrifice; she was a surrogate mother three times before her eighteenth birthday". "At three years old, Peter was made to kill his baby brother and eat his flesh". "There's a lot of it about: They reckon that a quarter of our patients have been victims of satanic rituals".

To be fair, this kind of gossip belies the deeper seriousness of the majority of therapists who deal with MPD. But that it occurs at all, and is seemingly so little challenged, could well explain why people outside the Movement want to keep their distance... Some therapists clearly consider it a privilege to be close to such extrordinary human beings (and the more of them in treatment, the more status the therapist acquired).'

'Speaking for Ourselves' "Brainchildren"

And that is why...
I am wary.
And that is why...
I am cautious because IMO it can be the case that the people who are keen to work with cases are a whole heap more dubious than those who are not keen initially. Make sense?

> i want to always take responsibility for what i do- but then what? It's not so much taking responsibility- i know that if anything keeps me from therapy or going anywhere is my fault but then what? It doesn't change anything at all that i know i'm to blame if i can't get better.

Its not about blaming you. Really. Its about improving internal communication which is precisely what will allow you to take proper responsibility for your actions. It is hard... I have periods of missing time. I don't know what the body was up to... It is hard to take responsibility for actions that I don't remember doing. But... It is my responsibility to give everything I have got to work on improving internal communication. Ultimately... Thats what works.

You just need to take the first step: Internal communication.

And I think you need to have a think about how much your current therapist is helping you out there. Because it sounds to me like he is not. Unintentionally... What he is doing is making things so you can continue to avoid communicating with them. I think you would get a lot more help with T2 and it sounds to me like you could get things sorted there. He just needs to see willingness. Agreeing to do your best to get an internal contract to solely seeing him would be a really positive first step. And he can help you figure strategies to get that internal contract made.

One thing I do for my little part...
I know she loves to swing.
I let her swing.
It does feel a bit odd being co-conscious with her.
And she does chatter so...
But she loves it.
She feels really happy.
And I feel some of that too.
What do your littles like to do?




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