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I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual

Posted by Dinah on April 16, 2005, at 18:13:13

I told my therapist about my recent desire to please him and take care of him and to shove him will-he nill-he into the role my father played. That's exactly how I phrased it.

I only told him because I had pains in my back that were seriously distracting me, I think. I was looking for something to say, and that popped out of my befuddled brain.

An aside: I had told him about the pain, and at one point he thought I was dissociating from what I was talking about, when in reality I was doing some basic pain blocking. When he was surprised I could do that, I was surprised he was surprised. What's the good of having a dissociative talent if you can't utilize it for a little pain control. Anyway...

From the very instant I said that he sexualized it. And while at first he was also kind, he forgot to be as kind later.

His first reaction was to say that clients who have sex with their therapists were doing this, although he added that he knew that I wasn't talking about that. It was just an extreme example of it. And I told him that of course I wasn't talking about that, and I wish he hadn't said that because it had no bearing on what I was talking about.

We talked about how I always knew I took care of my father, but I didn't realize how much I needed to do it or how much I missed it. I had thought it annoyed me. And he said that maybe I blocked out how much I liked it because I knew how inappropriate it was. That a father was supposed to take care of his daughter not vice versa. I asked if it was really so bad to want to help him relax when he seemed stressed, for example, since that would also be in my best interests. And he said that depended. That it wouldn't be ok to give him a neck rub, for instance. I said stiffly and truthfully that of course I didn't mean that. Good grief. What sort of thing does he think I did to take care of Daddy? Geesh. I never touched the man.

Anyway, I called and told him he didn't need to return the call but I didn't appreciate him making the comment about the neck rub because that made the whole thing feel icky. Against my request, he called and left a message that he hadn't meant to make an icky comment. But that it was antitherapeutic for me to take care of him in therapy and he didn't want or need it.

His tone was such that you'd think he caught me with my hand on his trouser leg. Very loud and emphatic. Like I had intruded on him or something.

I called back tearfully and left a message that it *was* therapeutic to talk about this because it was about *me* and my feelings for my father and really didn't have anything to do with him at all. And to please not return the call because we could do this all week. Call and say something distressing leading to another call, etc. And knowing his machine was on I called back and basically denied everything. Said that I had just said I had an urge to do it not that I had done it or intended to do it, and to please not worry about it.

But he picked up and his exact words were "I thought about it later and realized you had talked about what you wanted to do and I replied as if you had informed me you planned to do it. We'lll talk about it later, it'll be ok,(or something like that)."

Anyway, I thought, but didn't continue to play phone tag over it "INFORMED ME YOU HAD PLANNED TO DO IT???!!!" Good grief again. What on earth does the man think I informed him I was planning to do? I didn't mean anything more than jollying him out of a bad mood through pleasant topics of conversation or refraining from bringing up contentious topics. He made it sound like something I need to take a good long shower about. Yeck. Blech. Ugh. Doesn't he realize that meaning anything sexual by what I said was not only not my intention but it feels truly icky, gross, and more than a bit incestuous?

I am soooo sorry I brought this up. I'll take responsibility for my own pathology. But his response revealed a whole strain of his own pathology that I refuse point blank to take responsibility for AT ALL.

From now on I'm maintaining a steadfast denial of anything but fleeting impulse to take care of him like Daddy. I will deny that the impulse still exists.

To him, I mean.

Now I'll go wash off the ickiness that still clings to me.

How could he take my innocent bit of honesty in that perverted sort of way? How can he do that?




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