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Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual » Dinah

Posted by Tamar on April 18, 2005, at 11:22:59

In reply to Re: I told him and I'm sorry. Triggery I guess -sexual » Tamar, posted by Dinah on April 18, 2005, at 10:12:05

> His entire reaction felt defensive rather than contemplative. Overall, I'm not sure he was thinking anything about me whatsoever other than an "Oh no you don't!"

Yeah but see, that’s what I can’t understand about his reaction. If he thought you were experiencing any kind of erotic transference, surely he should see it as an interesting development and something to be explored therapeutically. Why should he feel in any way threatened? Surely he knows you well enough to understand immediately that you’re not going to try to do anything inappropriate.

> And G*d only knows, the me I bring to therapy is not only pre-puberty, and refuses to grow up, but even if he's confused by the body in front of him... Well, it's plain to the point of ugly (I could be my mother thirty years ago. Seriously. The photos of her could be me if it weren't for the clothes.), overweight, and never makes any effort to appear attractive to him. Certainly no real threat to him, no matter how lusty he is. Of course I prefer to think he's not lusty at all, but rather a eunuch. But his reaction didn't feel like the reaction of a eunuch. A eunuch wouldn't feel defensive. Ewww. Ick.

I find it very difficult to imagine you as ‘plain to the point of ugly’. Are you underrating yourself? Being overweight doesn’t actually make women unattractive to men. If you are no threat to him, perhaps it’s because of your maternal transference and your moral outlook rather than because of your appearance, I’m guessing.

It sounds to me as if the two aspects of the issue have become intertwined and that’s what’s getting you feeling icked out. Perhaps he’s attributed a sexual component to your feelings and doesn’t entirely believe you when you say it’s not there, while, at the same time, he recognises you feel a desire to take care of him and needs to tell you that his feelings aren’t your responsibility.

Also, do you think it’s possible that you might be reacting to the sexual inference partly because you feel hurt by his rejection of your (nonsexual) desire to care for him?

Either way, I think he could have handled it better.




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