Posted by daisym on June 13, 2004, at 23:26:22
In reply to Re: Suicidal ideation question - *trigger potentia » daisym, posted by Aphrodite on June 13, 2004, at 7:37:28
A-
I'm sorry for your experiences and for the way you feel lately. But you and I both know that "knowing better" doesn't have anything to do with this. Before all of this, I thought it was a selfish act too. I had a brother in law who did it 18 yrs. ago. I watch the effects on the family. But in that space of sheer soul-seering pain, it is only about making it stop. Stepping out. Only the clarity of time allows me to reflect on what it means to others. I have no words to leave that will explain that it isn't about anybody except me.I have to tell you, I never thought about destroying my journals. Lots of other stuff is taken care of. I'll have to think about what to do about those.
>>> It sounds like you haven't discussed it much with your therapist. I hope you will -- for me, I'm glad another human being knows because isolation only feeds the flames.
Actually, when this first happened I did finally tell him. And he was great about it all. He took it very seriously and made sure I knew I could and should tell him anytime this came up. But the past few weeks I've been reading and researching some of the "best practices" about therapy for adults who suffered childhood abuse. Most of these warn how hard it gets for the therapist to work with us...how draining, etc. There is a lot about dependency and how it is best to avoid this. So I've been holding back. We uncovered a pretty shocking memory a few weeks ago and I've been struggling with it a lot on my own. Not completely, but I've been withdrawing, pulling inward and away from him. He called me on it Wednesday and I told him about the web sites on Thursday. He was frustrated. He has always, always made it clear that he believes that we can't get through all of this if I don't allow the attachment. He does know how hard that is for me.
When I talked to him on Friday about Thursday night we agreed that I get this way when I've pushed him away. I feel so alone in it, and I know I can't cope with it alone. He asked me if I could promise him that I wouldn't hurt myself and that if I felt I was going to, I would call him first. He also extracted a promise to not hold back from him, to not protect him.
I honestly don't know which is going to be harder to keep. And why it feels so weird to have had that discussion. There are so many things these days that just don't fit my image of myself. *sigh*
Thanks for your ongoing support.
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:356168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/356428.html