Posted by Racer on June 13, 2004, at 2:02:35
In reply to Suicidal ideation question - *trigger potential*, posted by daisym on June 12, 2004, at 20:00:35
Daisy, depression is a giant Beast who's only goal is our destruction. Whatever it takes to bring it about.
The first thing it does is to strap a pair of goggles on us that see only straight ahead, and only a short distance. That's the same sort of thing I'm struggling with about meds, because what I feel RIGHTTHISMINUTE is all I've ever felt, so how can meds help? It's a real problem, and a real part of depression. There really is a good part to it, though, as you've found out: you also can't remember how bad it actually felt as soon as it's over. (Tuesday I was actively suicidal, now I don't understand that anymore. Same as you experienced. And I'm ashamed to admit to my planning. Same as you experienced.) ('Course, I tend to think that you're safer than I am, because it still seems alien to you. You can't really imagine it, and you know what? It's not alien to me anymore. That's meant to encourage you, Daisy. You're still testing the waters, I think, and trust me -- go find a nice stream somewhere, or the ocean. The waters in this pond are stagnant and polluted. Swim where you'll be safer, 'K?)
I have a 'journal' on ths computer, and when I feel that way I try to write it down. I also have my little half finished mood chart thing, and make notes several times per day to keep track of what I feel like at various times during the day, and any events associated with them. That helps me a little, at least being able to look back two or three days later to see that I was a 2 (noticeably depressed, but able to function) rather than a 5 (hopeless and suicidal) at 4:30PM. It helps. (If you want a copy of the Word document that I made for my print out, let me know. I can send it to you if you think it would help you.)
Hang in, Daisy, hang in. You may be crazy, but you're not going crazier -- that is the nature of depression, to rob you of anything beyond THIS moment. That's why people suicide, of course. Because they literally cannot see anything beyond the pain they feel this moment. Even if yesterday wasn't so bad, and tomorrow promises to be better, THIS MOMENT is impossible. And we'll all tell you it wasn't impulsive, and to us it really wasn't. (One day when I'm stronger, I'll tell you about last summer.)
I hope some of that helped.
poster:Racer
thread:356168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/356241.html