Posted by Aphrodite on June 13, 2004, at 7:37:28
In reply to Suicidal ideation question - *trigger potential*, posted by daisym on June 12, 2004, at 20:00:35
Two members of my family have committed suicide. I remember when my grandfather did so when I was 20, I stood at his winter graveside service shaking my head -- I thought he had to be the most selfish person in the world to hurt all of us.
And along came me at the age of 26 . . .
I had a summer of tragedy and pain, and for the first time in my life, I became suicidal. I had a plan, a date, no hope, and I finally understood what it is like to die of depression and what my family members had gone through.
At that rock bottom stage, I started to pull myself out of it taking very small steps. Then, I had a child and didn't go "there" very much any more.
But now that I am in therapy, and my child is getting older and isn't as needy, those demons who had visited from time to time have now taken up permanent residence in my mind. My therapist and I have discussed it. He said I suffer more than people he knows who did commit suicide.
Your cycle of suicidal desparation followed by emotional exhaustion and depletion is a familiar one to me. In the bleakest moments, I can rationalize and justify hurting those around me. It's very easy because suicidal thoughts for me are accompanied by feelings of worthlessness and despair and the thought that everyone would be better off without me.
My therapist and I worked once on avoiding triggers. For me, they are sleeping alone at home during the day -- can't do that. (That REALLY messes with my thinking!) Also, I avoid situations where I'll be out of town by myself at a conference b/c leaving town to hurt myself has been part of previous plans. There are others, too, and it does help to recognize and avoid triggers.
I know when it's coming on b/c when I'm depressed, I try to organize, clean, etc. if I am at home. If I just start doing the dishes, I'm OK. But, if I started organizing my personal things, suicidal ideation is around the corner. If I let it run wild, I'll start destroying personal letters, writings, journals, etc., cleaning up the writings on my hard drive -- things I wouldn't want anyone to find. I'll rationally say that I'm just being organized, but I'm really acting out on part of my plan. (I have none of my journals from childhood to age 26.)
When these times are over, I'm exhausted and spent and worst of all, self-berating for ever giving in to those feelings to begin with b/c, of course, "I know better."
Therapy has brought these feelings back up and more so lately as I open up more. I think the best thing I can do is try to recreate that frame of mind and behavior in his office so he can point out the many errors in my thinking that I cannot do for myself. You know, mentally slap me around, if you will:)
Daisy, it's a horrible nightmare that robs the joy out of your life. It sounds like you haven't discussed it much with your therapist. I hope you will -- for me, I'm glad another human being knows because isolation only feeds the flames.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:356168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/356257.html