Posted by daisym on June 13, 2004, at 23:00:25
In reply to The Beast » daisym, posted by Racer on June 13, 2004, at 2:02:35
Good name...accurate description. I feel like the goal of this beast is to suck every piece of competence and selflove out of me and leave this shell that looks like me, talks like me but just simply exists. I want to LIVE, not just get through each day or week. I want to look forward to things, get excited about shoes and chocolate cake. I don't want to be torn inside about whether I'm more useful here or out of the way. I don't want to hurt so much that I wonder if I'm physically ill...like something wrong with my heart.
I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who is mortified looking back at the planning. I feel like drama queen extraordinare! It so isn't me. I guess I read you as saying if I continue to question why I feel this way, there remains hope. I "hope" you are right. I scared myself. I still feel a certain trepidation trying to think about what exactly cause me to slide so hard and so fast.
I too keep an electronic journal. When I read over my notes from Thursday, I get incredibly sad. I was trying so hard to explain why...but I think I was writing it to myself, not to anyone else.
I'm sorry you are in this space as well. I hope I didn't make it worse in anyway. You always make me feel better somehow, like a warmth through cyber space that I can wrap around myself. Maybe it is those things you are always knitting. You've created a cyber-sweater for me.
weak smile
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:356168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/356423.html