Posted by holymama on June 13, 2004, at 18:30:51
In reply to Best advice I've ever read anywhere » fallsfall, posted by Racer on June 13, 2004, at 13:34:40
Dear Daisym,
I'm relieved and saddened to know there are others out there who have the same kind of suicidal thinking processes as I do. THough I AM on medications. THe process is the same though. I can be really frighteningly depressed and hopeless for a few hours, making plans, looking for the right pills to take, assuring myself that my 3 children and husband will be better off without me...it's like a few days of playing with the idea of 'should I or shouldn't I' has finally come to a conclusion, and I've decided 'I should'. I've had quite a few days like this in the past year or so. I scare myself, I start thinking I should call someone, sometimes I do, but always the feeling passes and a few hours later or the next morning I wonder how I could ever have thought such things.
My therapist and doctor know I've been unstable in this way lately (I think you might be able to call yourself that right now too), and so we three made a deal. If I ever feel that way, I just need to check myself into the hospital. Better safe than sorry, I guess. Even if I check myslef into a hospital a handful of times until I get more stable (we're working on getting my meds working better), at least I'll be safe until the feeling passes. For some reason, this plan gave me a lot of relief. Just having a plan, knowing what to do when I feel that way, so I don't have to question myself (is it bad enough for the hospital? won't I feel differently in a few hours?) and knowing exactly which number to dial (my therapist's) made me feel a lot safer. I actually did check myself into a hospital a couple of weeks ago. It's not solved everything for me, but I like knowing I have a plan. I don't want to kill myself. I know that shen I'm more rational. I'm afraid of how irrational I can be and how desperate when I'm in that frame of mind. Sorry to babble so much, I'm just really relating to your story and concerns. I would really love to hear how to actually *stop* my mind from going there, into thinking about suicide. It's totally horrible and destructive. And now my husband tels me that I hold everyone *hostage* when I say I want to kill myself, which makes me feel guilty and selfish on top of everything else.
poster:holymama
thread:356168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/356342.html