Posted by Cass on July 22, 2000, at 22:58:05
Another dark depression has hit me, but I guess it is the anger that is causing the depression. I'm angry at every narrow-minded person I encountered as a child, who labeled me as "mentally ill" or "stupid" for exposing the harsh reality about my demented family, simply because they did not want to believe that an educated, well-spoken family could be twisted, dark, and deplorable on the inside. I'm angry at every person who rejects the truth in favor of popularity. I'm angry at "good girls" who are really just potential nazis; in other words, they mindlessly follow authority figures no matter how corrupt they are, and no matter how much destruction they cause. I'm angry at every person who believes that the laws of humanity do not apply to them. I'm just angry right now, and it is sapping all of my energy and optimism. I feel like this anger is going to kill me. I had one glass of wine to take the edge off, but sometimes being angry like this is like having the flu, it just takes awhile to recover. I've had so much trauma in my life. I've seen more moral and ethical corruption than most people ever will, I bet. I've seen true evil, and it is so hard to reconcile. I feel spent. I wish I knew how to forgive, but I would have to learn genuine forgiveness to do this, whatever that is. I couldn't just convince myself that I had forgiven. People say, "you have to forgive for your own sake." I agree, but how do you do it?? I think it takes some kind of profound understanding that I don't have. I'm just human. So what do I do?
poster:Cass
thread:41212
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000717/msgs/41212.html