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Feeling Ugly

Posted by Janice on October 19, 1999, at 22:51:26


I have had this symptom (I guess that's what I'll call it) since I was 12 years old. My period began at that age, and, looking back now, it was also at this time many of my emotional troubles began.

I have just turned 34 and am feeling as good as I have ever felt in my life. I have manic depression (I'm on lithium for the highs and am currently not even suffering from depression); my eating disorder is under control (my body image is fine). My ADHD is as fine as it will ever be. I have trichotillomania (I pull out my eyelashes), but I honestly don't believe this has much to do with feeling ugly, although it does affect my appearance.

Since I was 12 years old I have always felt ugly. I never look at myself in mirrors (when I'm working I'll check my face a couple times a day - and only because I feel I have to). I can't stand to see a picture of myself. If I see a picture of myself, I feel very sick inside. Looking at pictures of myself always reminds me of all the pain.

Under no one's standards but my own would I be ugly. I'm slim, have thick healthy hair, symmetrical features, good skin. With my head I know I'm not ugly, but I feel ugly.

This 'symptom' continues to baffle me. I've always thought it would go away as I worked through my disorders, but it seems to have a separate life of its own. Does anyone else have this symptom or have any ideas about it? Thanks so much, Janice.




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