Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

Re: feeling ugly

Posted by dove on October 20, 1999, at 10:36:41

In reply to Re: I gots this theory, see?, posted by Noa on October 20, 1999, at 6:17:27

Wow, this is better than group-therapy.
Welcome back Janice - I hope you had a wonderful time!

I have also struggled with "ugliness" and the inability to see myself accurately in the mirror. Obesity runs in my family, and you can clearly see who has the "curse" and who doesn't. My sister was always so jealous of me because I could totally eat whatever I wanted and never gain a pound. She hated me actually, at least untill my 5th child and my subsequent 40 lb. weight gain.

Here's the funny thing, my bipolar combined with my hyperness is the most likely reason I was able to get away with the massive intake of calories. I would sporadically inhale enormous quantities of food and then go without food for days on end. I still struggle with this phenomenon but it is tempered by my mom duties but still I don't eat more than once a day.

Now, my self-image runs on exactly the same cycle as my food intake. When I'm in overdrive I forget to eat, I forget to look in the mirror and I find myself completely irresistable no matter what shape I'm actually in. My girl-friends hated me when I was like this. I have letters from them stating how it wasn't fair that every guy we met clung to me like I was the queen-bee. Every party was an opportunity to float above the masses. I was very honest and everyone I knew, which was a lot of people at that time, thought I was so incredible - so real - so unique.

Then the bottom would drop. I would lock myself away from everyone, boyfriends, parents, college classes. How many times did I drop my semester so I could sit in the dark drinking myself into oblivion. I knew I was ugly then and nothing could change that distorted image in the mirror, except my overdrive. When I was 15 I was 5'6" and 105 lbs. and completely convinced I was huge, if only I weighed that now (Ha-Ha! :-)

My Mom has struggled with her weight all her life, only thin when she was a speed freak in her late-teens and early twenty's. She never put any value on my weight or size (she's 5'11") and never compared any of us kids to each other. If she had been like my grandma or my dad I think I would be really messed up now (although cleanliness is still next to godliness the old school would like to remind). As I've gotten older and had children I don't put as much worth into my weight or even my looks. This could be a negative since I don't care if I shave my head bald or my anatomy is pierced.

So, what's my point? I have this self-image that is dependant on what end of the pendulum I'm on. The high and low ends have mellowed slightly with age and/or childbearing (and they don't swing as often). Meds haven't helped my perspective yet.

And, I really did attract people to me when I was out there with my gregarious behavior. It was not an illusion. My manic energy pumped others up, they would say that being around me was like taking drugs with no crash. Except, I crashed you know. But I did say and do things that hurt those closest to me. I had 15 boyfriends in one week because I didn't have a good reason to say no. I wanted others to feel loved and special and I wanted to feel those same things. The aftermath was nightmarish and I wondered why my boyfriends physically abused me (I know it's not an excuse but still, I really pushed them over the edge). This cycle finally slowed down when I was on Tegretol and met my husband.

And to Noa, I've thanked you before and I want to thank you again for your honesty and grace in your writing.

And to everyone who has opened their heart to share, Thank you! Your messages give me faith and fellowship, ya'll are teachers and healers even in your struggles.

dove (if I could just write a little shorter. Everytime someone sees my tag they're gonna run for the hills :-)




Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:dove thread:13470