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Re: Feeling Ugly

Posted by allison on October 20, 1999, at 10:31:49

In reply to Feeling Ugly, posted by Janice on October 19, 1999, at 22:51:26

Excellent thread.

I've always felt awkward and ugly. I cannot ever remember liking my physical characteristics. I cringe at school photos. I cringe at current photos, asking myself: "Do I REALLY look like that to other people?"

I've almost always been on the heavy side, although I would give my eye teeth to be as thin as I was 15 years ago in college when I thought I was fat. When I was in grade school and junior high, my dad used to try to bribe me saying that he'd buy me new clothes if I'd lose weight.

My husband always complimented me and told me I was pretty. Then I was diagnosed with depression and began really hating everything about myself: personality, shape, face -- you name it. I couldn't stand seeing my reflection even in a window. Even now I don't look at myself in mirrors, except to adjust something such as hair or hemline, and even then I don't look at myself as a whole. As our marriage fell apart, he told me that my attitude toward myself made him love me less.

This depression makes me feel even more hopeless. Why would anyone else want to know me if my attitude toward myself made my husband love me less? I cannot imagine anyone wanting to know me while I have this depression, and if I ever get out of it, chances are it will come back. Who would want to risk a relationship with this sort of defect?




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