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Re: I gots this theory, see?

Posted by Noa on October 20, 1999, at 6:17:27

In reply to I gots this theory, see?, posted by Racer on October 19, 1999, at 23:35:14

Racer, I don't think it is that the generous personality hides anything, but there is a way that some people radiate with appeal of some kind. They might not be "beautiful" in the very narrow sense our culture seems to allow, but because of that personality, that glow, generosity, genuine interest in other people, etc. they really do look beautiful. The thing about snapshots is that they are so static. Our real impressions of people are as three dimensional, moving, smiling, talking, relating, emoting, etc., beings, and it is a very rare snapshot that can capture any of that.
OK, enough of the wisdom. I became extremely self conscious at puberty. This was a time when my mother was depressed, I think, and she really laid the criticism on heavy. She started picking on how I looked, especially weight. When I think of my body then, I realize that had she not made such a big deal of it, I wouldn't have developed the food/body problems I have. She started restricting what I ate, saying I was very fat (I really wasn't fat, just not thin, like her). Well that set me off on the wrong course. I started feeling deprived, and would sneak food when she wasn't home. I became a secretive binge eater. I was depressed, and I think it was a combo of biological destiny combined with hypercriticism from my mother, that made me so. The food was solace, it was comfort, it was the only control I could exert in my life, and it was probably supplying the carbohydrate I craved due to the depression. I really felt ugly. My mother had also criticized my voice from an earlier age, and I have always hated my voice, feeling like it is objectionable to others (it was to my mother--she said it got on people's nerves). And I hated other aspects of my body: my nose, my skin, the asymetries in my face (probably not that noticeable to others, but so obvious to me), all my body hair, my feet, etc. etc. etc.
Well, self fulfilling prophecies being what they are, I did get fat. And more and more depressed, hiding in my room, hiding with big clothes. And one day in my early twenties, I found myself sneaking food when my roommates were out, and suddenly realized my roommates couldn't care less what I ate, yet I was still acting like that emotionally starved adolescent, binging on food compulsively as soon as the "coast was clear". I later participated in a food/body image group that helped me a lot, and got to a point where I was tuning into my body and eating when hungry and stopping when full. I started to get out more, exercize, throw off the shackles of assumptions about what fat people are "allowed" to do. Started feeling less ugly. In the past few years, my depression has gotten worse, and I have lost that healthier relationship to my body, food, activity, etc. I have gained tons of weight. Although I see from this board that people do attribute their weight gain to the meds, I have read that the meds usually only account for 20 pounds or so, and I have put on about 80 since 1993. I wasn't thin then, but I was comfortable at that size, and feeling active and healthy, able to do a lot of physical activity, etc. Now, I feel locked inside this bloated burden of a body. I don't feel in control. I am developing all kinds of aches and pains, due to how large I have gotten. I don't feel in control of my eating, either. It feels like the only thing I can't count on that I enjoy (besides communicating with you guys). Also, I find that when I am hungry, the anticipation of eating makes me feel a certain kind of motivation, ie to get out and find something to eat, that I can't muster for anything else. Motivation and enjoyment have been so elusive. And, I really feel ugly. I look at myself in the mirror, or in a photo, and cannot believe how I look, I don't recognize myself. I have a hard time finding clothes that fit and that I like. I feel it affects my personal presentation socially and at work. Forget a love life. Although it is possible that with the latter, it is the tail wagging the dog, meaning, that being fat protects me from dealing with how hard intimate relationships are. When I have ventured into that territory, I have always had a hard time coping with the overwhelming feelings that go with it. Rollercoaster up and down, intensity that is hard to bear. I don't act it out, I keep it inside, but it is still intense. I have never done well with intense emotions and that brings me back to the food--it calms me, helps me avoid feeling too much. Being a hermit here in this increasingly disgusting abode also helps me avoid feeling too much.
Thanks for starting this thread, Janice.




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