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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 18 to 42 of 66. Go back in thread:
Posted by philyra on January 13, 2007, at 8:26:10
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » annierose, posted by ElaineM on January 11, 2007, at 22:33:19
> I appreciate your anger - I do - I know it comes from a good place. But I fear that I see a side of him no one else can. That if you could hear his voice, and see his eyes when he speaks...
Hi Elaine,
I don't think we've ever posted to each other before, but I felt moved to respond to your thread. I just wanted to say that I believe that you see a side of your T we don't see. You two have become very close and I get that the feelings are very deep there.
I wanted to say also that I think leaving him would be the best thing for both of you. Not just for you. It sounds like it will be very painful, but it will be healthy for him as well as for you. I really believe that bringing this relationship to your other T's attention and making it possible for him to be reported, and/or your terminating, would help him get the help he needs.
Maybe that will help to think about.
take care,
philyra
Posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 11:59:41
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » ElaineM, posted by Dinah on January 11, 2007, at 20:41:25
>>>>>Is this what you want in a suitor? People are at their best when they're wooing, and this doesn't sound all that best.
I guess not. I've never really had a "suitor" though. I don't think I've ever had anyone be their "best" with me. It's okay, cause I've never expected it. I don't know why but I've always been more comfortable with strong, domineering, almost cruel (which sounds really sick) males. It sounds dumb but it actually scares me (or something) when I see men be weak - maybe it's just me being afraid of having to be "strong" myself.
I wouldn't want to date him. But it's also hard for me not to rationalize that at least his "not best" is not his worst. Or more so, that his "not best" isn't as bad as other's "not best". He hasn't forced anything yet. He never yells, or swears. He never tells me how ugly or stupid or sh*tty I am. He doesn't tell me what to wear, or what to eat. (THe only thing he's said is I could maybe try and lose some weight cause it might help with my physical problems, and would probably make me feel better emotionally. That was hard at first cause it's been years since someone approached dieting from that side with me, and cause my old Boyf before AN used to tell me what I shouldn't eat and how much I should work out. But I'm more alright with T's weightloss comments now). He doesn't care how I wear my hair, or what color it is. All he is is perhaps too caring and too emotional. It's so damn hard to see him as bad then -- even though I know that what he's doing is technically wrong.
>>>>>>I know you've been having trouble finding someone to be your therapist, but don't give up.
I'm kinda tired of telling people. I've told psych center pdoc, ladyDoc, LadyT, crisis counsellor, and a help organization worker (in person). And nothing came of it. If anything (except for LadyT) telling all those others made it worse because the hour or so of feeling helped (as I was talking to them) disappeared once they told me that they couldn't see me themselves and to keep looking elsewhere. To feel something "good" only to lose it makes the hurt even worse -- even though it was the exact same place I was in *before* I told. It's too much disappointment. ANd to go back to being alone with it all afterwards makes my feelings of guilt for betraying Him so much worse.
I'm not giving up altogether, but I'm focusing more on increasing what I can endure. I'm proving to myself that I'm stronger than I know. T always says that I'm good at doing what I need to to get by. I want to learn to be even stronger and untouchable.
thanks (((dinah)))
blove, El
Posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 12:12:39
In reply to To ALL-just a thot, how best, posted by muffled on January 11, 2007, at 22:14:29
((((((((((((Muffly)))))))))))))
You have such a strong instinct to take care of others. It's so touching. I don't understand why something would be like that towards me, but I appreciate it so much.When it comes to people bashing my T, I'm kinda used to it, in a way. I can't really expect less of others, when now, even *I* can admit that he's rather unethical. But it does create this powerful urge within me to defend him. The only thing is that it also makes me feel sad cause I know that I can't leave him - can't do what everyone is saying (and have been saying for many months). It's tough though cause I feel bad that I can't leave, and think I'd feel bad (probably even worse) if I did. I've set myself up not to win either way. And when I hate myself even more, I start to think that you all feel the same way.
Mostly I'm just scared of everyone, all the time, everywhere. I do know that people mean well here. It would be upsetting if people *didn't* respond at all. I can understand where all the comments come from - that they're motivated from concern.
Even though it's taken me awhile to respond, I read this when you first posted it and it means alot that you want me to feel safe here.
thanks again ((((muff)))
blove, EL
Posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 14:23:45
In reply to sorry this is long..., posted by Karolina on January 11, 2007, at 23:14:53
>>>>>>I know that I will probably sound hypocritical a little bit (since I struggle with my own T and how to take his comments/actions and how to handle my attraction to him) -- BUT...my situation is maybe PG-13 and your's is like NC-17.
I don't think it's hypocritical -- I try not to compare situations too much cause each context is always different. I guess I can see how you differentiate our T's, though I hope that wouldn't make you discount the inappropriateness of some of the things you've said your T does. He has said that he loves me a handful of times. ANd while he has said "make love" or "be the man in your life in every way" he never does or say overtly sexual things. He does get jealous, but I can't tell when it's an emotional or a physical jealousy, or both.
>>>>>>>If your T was a good guy, you wouldn't be feeling so bad right now. HE is the one with issues, not you E. I'm glad you have had contact with your ladyT, have you told her any about what's been going on with him??
I don't know about his "goodness" but I do think he's got some psychological problems. I have many of my own issues (I'm not healthy by any means either) and he has his. LadyT knows everything, (including his profession) except his real identity.
>>>>>but it almost sounds like you wish you could get away from him, but just dont know how to cut it off. because you're worried about 'hurting' him and he's made you feel so responsible for everything.
I wish leaving him wouldn't hurt both of us. I wish me staying didn't mean so much to him. But then again, maybe I do. It's pathetic but he's really the only one who's close to me on a somewhat personal level. He's the only one who'd notice if I wasn't there. It's hard to give that up. Someone caring too much is easier to take than no one caring (IRL) at all, or too little. LadyT helps but I'm a patient to her, not a regular person. If I was without him, no one would have "real" feelings for me. I know that accepting the difficult and the bad is hard, and it hurts at the time - but then knowing that I exist on an emotional level to him is a powerful consolation. LadyT doesn't think about me when I'm not associated with some professional thinking, or when I'm not associated with my diagnosis. T's can think about you on their own, but it's because they don't want your "illness" to be harming you at the time, they don't want to perpetuate your "illness", they're wondering if they made the right decisions (in terms of your "illness") when they last spoke to you, they think of you as an extension of their job. Sure, she can like parts of me personally, but she'd never associate with me socially (or maternally) before I was her patient, and wouldn't now that I'm not her patient. T is different that way. I know it's bad psychologically, but professional/social/... have been combined, making each facet harder to give up.
>>>>>>He needs serious help and what's sad is he has probably tried to start something like this with other women in his life, probably even other patients.
I think he does need help. But I don't think that he does this with other patients. Not cause I'm good at converation, or have a good personality, or look good -- I'm too quiet, ugly, monotone. I know that his "choosing" me doesn't mean I'm special (and it doesn't make me feel that way). But I just really feel deep down that this isn't something he's done before, or is doing now with anyone else.
>>>>>It would maybe be different if you felt like you loved him and were attracted to him. But from what I can tell, you feel grossed out by the suggestive things he says to you.
That's true. I do feel grossed out. The age gap is huge. But I'm scared and grossed out by almost all men now. I have been having an extra hard time with "older" men for the past few months though. I get the urge to start screaming when I'm too near one. But now I'm the same way with younger men too. I can't imagine him touching me beyond how/when he does now. It really makes me sick to my stomach.
>>>>>He definitely needs to keep seeing his own therapist.
I think so too. I also think that he needs to start talking about the right things too. He gives me recaps of all his sessions the next day, and I ask him questions about them. I think it's great that he's talking about stuff to do with his Ex -- I think her role is important in the dynamics he and I have. But I've been begging him to mention *our* relationship, and how it effects him. I want him to have another professional male's (who's his age) opinion -- and maybe that would tone him down, or wake him up. He won't though. I mention it and he blows it off right away saying he doesn't want to be lectured to about how wrong it would be. He says that his T wouldn't understand how different I am. It's really frustrating. But he will not do it. I even mentioned it again this past Wed. I wrote about it again in an e-reply I just sent off to him -- I'll see what he says.
K, I don't think you're too harsh. I'll try and write updates more often when something new happens. I'm going through alot of terrible stuff lately. I think it makes me think that T isn't SO bad even more than usual. THe only thing I worry is that when I'm writing out here, I feel calmer and start to downplay, re-write, and forget everything that happens with T and I. And I also forget how upset I was when he's done or said certain things, when I have a different, non-related issue in my life pull focus. Thanks for staying in touch. You keep writing about your stuff, cause I sometimes worry about you too.
blove EL
Posted by MidnightBlue on January 13, 2007, at 15:53:03
In reply to Re: sorry this is long... » Karolina, posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 14:23:45
Elaine,
You wrote:
That's true. I do feel grossed out. The age gap is huge. But I'm scared and grossed out by almost all men now. I have been having an extra hard time with "older" men for the past few months though. I get the urge to start screaming when I'm too near one. But now I'm the same way with younger men too. I can't imagine him touching me beyond how/when he does now. It really makes me sick to my stomach.
This is the first time I've noticed you commenting on there being a huge age gap between you and your T. You are mid 20s right? So he is what 50? 60? more? Am I reading this right?
If so this puts things in a whole different light.
MidnightBlue (who is still reading and trying hard to figure out what to say)
Posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 16:15:02
In reply to Re: To ALL-just a thot, how best » muffled, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 12, 2007, at 12:35:17
>>>>>>>Some weeks ago you sounded like you had more strength, like you felt more independent and sure of yourself.
A few months ago I think I did. I don't think it's just your "gloss" :-) But I can't remember why I felt that way, I can't really remember what it felt like -- only that I'm pretty sure that your remark was true. I'm confused, cause end of Nov was when I was still during a really bad physical phase. I can't remember that far back. I tend to forget things as soon as they happen though - kinda like my life behind me is blank. I guess I learned that there's a bit less to worry about, and be upset over that way.
>>>>>>The day to day goal of having something to get you out of your home and a reason to interact with another human being is very natural and very human. Is this one of the reasons why you are still going to see your "t"?
Ya, I think I mentioned some of that in the reply to Karolina. I think someone only counts as being alive if someone would miss them when they are gone. He's the only one in my real life who I think would (or at least first. My sister would notice at some point, though I think T would be most effected emotionally). I really think every T will seem uncaring now -- when they are only acting normal for them. It took a long time for me to be able to even look LadyT in the eyes when we had our meeting before Christmas. And I still questioned trusting her during, and worried about it after. Part was the subject matter, part my emotional state, but part was also that she sounded so different from T now - even minus his excessive self-disclosure.
>>>>>>>And why you will continue to read e-mails and other things?
I do that part cause he says it makes him sad when I don't, that he looks forward to when I respond to his messages. He says it means alot to him, and it makes him feel very far away from me when I have days when I don't. I've been terrible with it lately - just can't bring myself to do it. I sent one today after five days! That's the longest I've ever gone without answering. I felt so bad so I sent one out this morning.
>>>>>>Does it help you when we point out some of the contradictory things you write about? Or does it just make you feel bad?
No it doesn't make me feel bad. I'm aware that in terms of T there's two sides of me -- the part who's quiet and facilliating and supportive during sessions, and the part that breaks down later here and rips him apart. *sigh* But as far as believing in the "good" parts of me -- the only thing I ever believe is that I try to be good and kind, and don't like others hurting. Other than that, it's kinda impossible for me to think I'm anything but the cr@p I think I see and am. (I know that's stubborn, I'm sorry. Self-image and appearance were things i was supposed to be working on with LadyT.)
>>>>>>Well, no matter what, sometimes the most important support is knowing that you have witnesses. When you start to question your own sense of reality, your own memory of things-- you have an archive in your witnesses who can gently lead you back on course. If you've got the stomach to read your old posts (I can't read mine. too icky.) then you may even be able to see some patterns there too.
I am glad that I'm not so completely alone - that you guys know and listen and ask. I question my reality and memory all the time. You didn't say anything wrong, so don't worry. It's nice to read stuff from you. Though I'm not sure I could go back and read my old threads without being humiliated and regretful. THanks for helping.
blove El
Posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 16:37:39
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » ElaineM, posted by philyra on January 13, 2007, at 8:26:10
Hi philyra, No, I don't think we've spoken before. Nice to meet you.
>>>>>>I wanted to say also that I think leaving him would be the best thing for both of you. Not just for you.
Actually I never thought of it that way. If I knew 100% that leaving and hurting him that way would push him farther into the arms of a capable T then I may try to do it. I worry that the only reason he's seeing one now is cause I really push for it, and he thinks it's important to me. I've had to talk him out of quitting before, and now he's talking about it again. I worry he'd just breakdown and isolate.
He's been talking to me recently about how he wants me to help him to be like me. He thinks it's a noble, strength-proving thing that I tolerate my disengagement from the world so well -- That I "accept" aloneness and loneliness, reject the idea of "hope" when it would only be a lying to oneself. He says I amaze him that way -- he think it shows wisdom. I told him that it's not a good thing for someone to give up on the world that way. That it's not admirable that I've removed myself from life, or that I've been so damaged that I don't feel properly, or have any normal attachments or likes. I said it's more defeatism than anything and that I wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone help him to be like me. It's offensive to me -- my life is terrible and full of pain, not some exercise in zen, or something.
I worry that he wants to "copy" my mindset that way. Combined with how upset he'd be if I left him, I'm not sure he'd turn to someone else. He says that before me he has already turned away from people emotionally that way, in regards to his own stuff.
I'd never report him though. Ever. I'd never destroy his life, his family's life that way. Never. It'd be more likely for me to just stop seeing him.
Thanks for the reply. I wish there was away that I could not hurt either of us.
blove El
Posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 16:42:04
In reply to Re: sorry this is long... » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on January 13, 2007, at 15:53:03
>>>>>This is the first time I've noticed you commenting on there being a huge age gap between you and your T. You are mid 20s right? So he is what 50? 60? more? Am I reading this right?
Yes. But I don't want to say his exact age. I'll say "more than 50". Sorry, maybe that's not a "huge" age gap -- I don't want to offend anyone. It's big to me though.
>>>>>>If so this puts things in a whole different light.
How? I don't understand, but I'm really curious how it could put it in a different light.
>>>>>>>(who is still reading and trying hard to figure out what to say)
Don't worry - I know :-)
blove EL
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 13, 2007, at 23:50:02
In reply to age » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 16:42:04
Hi Elaine,
Just wondering how you're doing. You impress me- you really respond to everyone's posts so thoughtfully.Anyways, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.
Hugs,
-Ll
Posted by Frida on January 14, 2007, at 0:11:32
In reply to Hey » ElaineM, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 13, 2007, at 23:50:02
Dear Elaine,
I've been reading your posts and I so feel for you. How I wish I could "send" you loving people you could really trust...someone to guide you through this, and make you feel that there is some hope..and that someone can care about you in a way that doesn't hurt you..
You are in such a painful, difficult situation... :-(
I know it's not the same, but it reminds me of the relationship I had with my father (he ended up abusing me for years). I know you don't see your T as abusive, but the feelings you are having, feeling trapped in a situation...the conflicting feelings, feeling like you would hurt him so much, etc...resonate with me.
You are too young...I am so sorry that the times you reached out to other people they didn't come through for you. I so wish you could find someone who could truly guide you through this..and give you the support and care you need.
I feel for you and how alone you are.
I hear how tired you feel about all of this, how tired of fighting and dealing with this...I wish you could find help, someone safe to help you...What does the ladyT say about this situation? Isn't she concerned for your well-being?
I know you are tired and you've already tried..I don't know, I wish I could help..I wish I could help you myself, or help you find someone you could trust...(((((((((Elaine))))))))
Hugs to you
Don't forget..that you are valuable, and you deserve so much more.
Frida
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 14, 2007, at 0:55:07
In reply to Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***TrigSH, posted by ElaineM on January 11, 2007, at 15:59:49
I am wondering if he is HELPING YOU any? I also feel if you are seeing him only to be of help to him then maybe the fee can be waived? I do not feel you should have to pay to listen to his issues. I am not going to dis your T. I do not feel that would be productive. I am wishing you the best.
Posted by JeffSmith on January 14, 2007, at 9:49:24
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » ElaineM, posted by Scentedgarden on January 12, 2007, at 19:37:05
Elaine, Im new and have never read any of your posts (I dont think) but just read this thread and now have to reply... but everyone else has said things I already thought and has given you great feedback.
So, let me just say that youve gone from having your own issues/problems to deal with (which is why you went to therapy to begin with) to now having the additional weight of this new unhealthy relationship where it seems this man is much more concerned with fulfilling his own needs rather than helping you... and meanwhile it seems your initial issues are not being addressed properly or at all.
Im sorry youre now burdened with this relationship on top of everything else and I hope youre able to, in your own time, find a healthier therapist who will help you with you, instead helping you help him.
Good luck : )
Posted by philyra on January 14, 2007, at 11:57:35
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » philyra, posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 16:37:39
Hi Elaine,
Nice to meet you too. I've been thinking about your message and I guess what I want to say in reply is... I was holding your story in my mind and heart, and imagining you leaving this relationship, and the sense that i have is that it would be the best thing for your T for many different reasons. Not just the possibility that he would turn to someone else for support, as it seems you imagine (ideally another T), but for many other possibilities it would open up for his process. And my sense is too that whatever way it would push him in wouldn't necessarily be immediate. It might take him a long time to get the help he needs after his relationship with you was over.
I guess I want to just gently remind you (as I gently remind myself as often as I can) that you're not responsible for his process. But I also totally get how it doesn't feel that way. I get that the connection is deep there.
I'm not sure why your story resonates with me so much, maybe it's because it reminds me of relationships I've been in, both interpersonal and therapeutic. It's a hard, sad, beautiful, painful thing to have that kind of connection with another person. I'll keep you in my thoughts and I hope you continue to find some support here.
take care,
philyra
Posted by bil on January 14, 2007, at 15:08:41
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » bil, posted by ElaineM on January 12, 2007, at 22:16:09
"A bit bothered cause he only asked me after an hour and forty minutes, "Oh, did you have anything you wanted to talk about today?" I didn't, so it's not like it was a big deal. Plus he did do some meaningful work today. "
Lol!! Oh, Elaine- you are so good-hearted, really you are... I wish you could believe that!
ok, I won't have a go at your t anymore... this is something you are obviously struggling really hard with, and so it's not fair on me making things more difficult for you.
I WILL say, however (!!) that the NEXT time he talks for an HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES of YOUR session that you present him with an invoice, and tell him that you're splitting the cost of the session with him.
you are a lovely person.
bil
Posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 18:16:29
In reply to Re: To Elaine, posted by Frida on January 14, 2007, at 0:11:32
>>>>>>I know it's not the same, but it reminds me of the relationship I had with my father (he ended up abusing me for years). I know you don't see your T as abusive, but the feelings you are having, feeling trapped in a situation...the conflicting feelings, feeling like you would hurt him so much, etc...resonate with me.
I'm sorry that you can identify - it sounds like alot of people have had a similar relationship. It helps to think that someone else might "get" it, but it's sad to me too.
>>>>>What does the ladyT say about this situation? Isn't she concerned for your well-being?Actually, she called "Him" a manipulative *sshole. I've never ever heard her infuse so much personal opinion when commenting on something about my life. And I've never heard her use strong language like that (even though it's not really - for a T though, it seems so). She said that he should know better - regardless. That there has been role reversal, to say the least. She said he's sending sexualized messages, whether or not it has the "abuse" label or not. I didn't talk about it much - we spent the majority of our time talking about something else I'm dealing with. I wasn't as preoccupied with him at that time, and was more emotionally involved with a different subject... I wish I had more time with her.
In terms of everything, she said that I need to turn to my T and tell him everything and let him help. She doesn't know that the "Bad T" is also the "Good T" -- that it's the same man. She said that she'd always be there for me to report "this guy" if I'm ever ready. [She's not allowed to persue anything without me, or talk to anyone about anything to do with me -- that is, unless I let his name slip. Then, I've no say at all.]
She's concerned - she told me. For a variety of reasons. It's almost an exact year since she "lured" me in for a suicide assessment. That had to do with my inability to tolerate my physical health (T stuff didn't start till late spring). But, she was really worried even back then. She just keeps saying to keep reaching out -- but I'm tired of that. I've done that. She only knows that I'd told LadyT -- she doesn't even know of the other times I've spilled my guts. I've done all that multiple times and nothing comes of it.
She also said she'd like me to try to do something where I can be around regular people. I may take another coarse, or look into a group. It's hard to commit cause my health vacillates quickly, and dramatically, but I'll probably try.
((((Frida)))), thanks for saying all those nice things. It feels like you really do wish you could help.
blove, EL
Posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 18:30:10
In reply to For what it is worth » ElaineM, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 14, 2007, at 0:55:07
>>>>>I am wondering if he is HELPING YOU any?
Hi Fallen, not really, I guess. Just in terms of not being completely alone. It's even different just sitting in the same room as someone, than being alone -- even if you don't talk. But then, sometimes when you're alone too much you don't even speak. I used to hate hearing the sound of my voice, when I'd have to talk to people and hadn't been out in awhile. So he helps that way. Before things started getting weird, he might've been helping. I was supposed to try a male therapist so I wouldn't be afraid of men anymore. I've always had that problem from childhood, but after spending so many years in ED treatment (kinda isolated from the regular world) and in a 95% female environment, it was especially strong. I was starting to think that he was alright. But now, I've had to change my mind.
>>>>>>I do not feel you should have to pay to listen to his issues.
He offered way back early last summer if he could stop billing. He said it would prove how much I mean to him as a person -- that he doesn't only see me cause he's "forced" to cause I'm a client. He knows I don't have enought money. He's offered to pay for other things that have been running me into the ground (like my teeth). I've said no.
Thanks for the good wishes.
blove EL
Posted by canadagirl on January 14, 2007, at 21:54:19
In reply to Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***TrigSH, posted by ElaineM on January 11, 2007, at 15:59:49
I haven't read all these and may be repeating what others have said but you can only do what you can do. There's not much point expecting yourself to do what you are not emotionally or physically able to do right now. So go easy on yourself and take little steps, each time you write, that is important, each time you think about things differently, that is important. All these things add up over time. Take care of yourself and try to realize you are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances.
Posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 22:35:02
In reply to One More For Elaine, posted by JeffSmith on January 14, 2007, at 9:49:24
Hi Jeff. I haven't been posting much lately, so it's nice to meet you.
>>>>>>and meanwhile it seems your initial issues are not being addressed properly or at all.
No, not anymore. I mentioned it a bit in another reply here, but I was supposed to work on my fear of new people, social anxiety, fear of men and maintaining my recovery from my ED. It's not about that anymore. Oddly enough, it seems like everything is anti-"work". Especially the suggestion of weight loss/diet/exercise was suggested. (My old LadyT would've been shocked - and probably a bit pissed off) Though I've always asked for him to be honest - it's possible that losing some could be physically beneficial. What do I know. The only thing that's better is the self-harm (but I don't know whether that's because of him, or as the only positive consequence to the health problems I've been learning to cope with the past year, or even just cause I'm not emaciated and wildly unstable - I don't know) But he hasn't always been "bad". And he's not *always* "bad" now. I really don't like condemning anyone cause I'm nowhere near a better person.....*sigh* That's what makes this situation so hard.
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope I have good help some day. Someone who'll know everything, and only want to help me, and be trustworhty knowing all this stuff -- not just want to listen so they can report him instead. I don't expect to get it - but I hope. It's be a relief.
blove El
Posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 22:45:16
In reply to Hey » ElaineM, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 13, 2007, at 23:50:02
oops, I missed you post when replying LL :)
I'm pretty nervous tonight. I have a scary follow-up tomorrow morning. I'm worried. I wish someone was coming with me - I'm so freaked out by new people. I've been scared all day.
>>>>>>>You impress me- you really respond to everyone's posts so thoughtfully.
Thanks :') I'm trying really hard to write. I haven't been able to do much of it at all recently. And I've been feeling guilty reading and writing so much here when I can't even send of a plain old "how was your day" email to T -- especially when he wants me to so much. I just really want to respond to everyone who writes something - cause nobody has to, and they do it anyways. And cause I don't mention any of these real thoughts to anyone else - there *is* no one else that way. It's touching when people who don't know me at all, or know what I look like, choose to answer and say nice things anyways. THough I do have to do it in small portions. (Sorry anyone if I seem rude that way)
I'm not always sure that I'm speaking clearly, so thanks for saying that about my responses. ANd for the hugs.
Some for you too. (((((((LL)))))))blove EL
Posted by MidnightBlue on January 15, 2007, at 0:11:10
In reply to Re: Hey » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 22:45:16
Elaine,
You are NOT rude! Get that thought out of your head! Humm I'm guessing some sort of "physical" test followup tomorrow? Post how it goes. I know it is hard for you to go to these appointments. Share your fears and pain with us, it is okay. Really it is.
Been thinking about that age thing between you and T. See, that is another thing that really bothers me. He is in a position of power because he IS a T. And because he is male and you are female (sorry if that offends anyone but that sometimes is the case). Trying NOT to be uncivil to all the nice gents out there, but fully aware men have not always been kind and gentle to women.
And then the age thing--we are taught to honor, trust, respect our elders. He is taking advantage of that big time. He is the father figure who is taking the liberties no father should take.
And I am so honored and thrilled every time you comment on my often ill-stated replies. You honor me just by reading and listening. When there is silence it is hard to know if something is even read. Thank you for that.
OKAY I'm just going to say this. It is a quote I came across a few days ago. I think it might encourage you to hear this. It did me.
"When you come to the edge of all the light you have and step out into the darkness of the unknown, you can be sure that one of two things will occur. There will be something solid for you to stand on, or God will teach you how to fly."
I've been on that edge. And I think you might be there right now........
Hugs,
MidnightBlue
Posted by JeffSmith on January 15, 2007, at 10:25:52
In reply to Re: One More For Elaine » JeffSmith, posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 22:35:02
Elaine youre welcome and Im sorry that you have to deal with all this... I know it sucks.
I dont have a shrink but still Im really not sure if "suggesting" to any client (especially if you have an ED) to lose weight/diet/exercise is really their place/job/ethical to do. Is it? Im really not sure and maybe Id have to hear how/ in what context it was said but it doesnt sound right.
But either way, I never meant to imply he was "bad" or to condemn him at all either. Its just that he may not be able to conduct himself professionally because maybe (I suppose obviously) he's not mentally/emotionally together/healthy enough to be unable to do whats best for you.
And dont think that if you (meaning you) have observations and facts which show his behavior is inappropriate (or even harmful- or even anything else) that you are "condemning" him by thinking or talking about it/him. It doesnt make you better or worse a person than him by simply noticing/observing/discussing his behaviors and your relationship with him, etc.
Also, I only knew what ED meant this time because Ive seen it posted here before and figured it out then... but I first thought it meant erectile dysfunction. : )
I still cant figure out what "DH" is though.
> Hi Jeff. I haven't been posting much lately, so it's nice to meet you.
>
> >>>>>>and meanwhile it seems your initial issues are not being addressed properly or at all.
>
> No, not anymore. I mentioned it a bit in another reply here, but I was supposed to work on my fear of new people, social anxiety, fear of men and maintaining my recovery from my ED. It's not about that anymore. Oddly enough, it seems like everything is anti-"work". Especially the suggestion of weight loss/diet/exercise was suggested. (My old LadyT would've been shocked - and probably a bit pissed off) Though I've always asked for him to be honest - it's possible that losing some could be physically beneficial. What do I know. The only thing that's better is the self-harm (but I don't know whether that's because of him, or as the only positive consequence to the health problems I've been learning to cope with the past year, or even just cause I'm not emaciated and wildly unstable - I don't know) But he hasn't always been "bad". And he's not *always* "bad" now. I really don't like condemning anyone cause I'm nowhere near a better person.....*sigh* That's what makes this situation so hard.
>
> Thanks for the encouragement. I hope I have good help some day. Someone who'll know everything, and only want to help me, and be trustworhty knowing all this stuff -- not just want to listen so they can report him instead. I don't expect to get it - but I hope. It's be a relief.
>
> blove El
Posted by philyra on January 15, 2007, at 12:30:51
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » philyra, posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 16:37:39
Hi Elaine,
I was thinking about my messages to you this morning and worrying that they were really presumptuous. It's easy to quickly say intimate things here anonymously :)
anyway, I am really glad to 'meet' you and I want to say thank you. You've taught me things on these message boards.
take care,
philyra
Posted by caraher on January 15, 2007, at 13:25:38
In reply to Re: One More For Elaine » ElaineM, posted by JeffSmith on January 15, 2007, at 10:25:52
> Also, I only knew what ED meant this time because Ive seen it posted here before and figured it out then... but I first thought it meant erectile dysfunction. : )
> I still cant figure out what "DH" is though.Hi jeff,
Yeah, the abbreviations can be idiosyncratic to various boards and far from obvious!
Here are some semi-common ones I'm aware of and how I interpret them:
DH = "Dear Husband" (I've seen "D_" used many ways, like "DD+ = "Dear Daughter")
s/t = "suicidal thoughts"
SI = "self injury"
AN = "anorevia nervosa"
T = "therapist"
pdoc = "psychiatrist"
SA = "sexual assault/abuse"
csa = "childhood sexual assault/abuse"
ad = "antidepressant"There are lots more... these are off the top of my head!
Posted by ElaineM on January 16, 2007, at 10:18:08
In reply to ps » ElaineM, posted by philyra on January 15, 2007, at 12:30:51
>>>>>>I was thinking about my messages to you this morning and worrying that they were really presumptuous. It's easy to quickly say intimate things here anonymously :)
Philyra, I don't think they were presumptuous. They didn't hurt me, though maybe you were saying that they hurt you? The "ease" with which intimate things are said is something I struggle with. I worry I flood the board at my worst moments, saying stuff I should maybe have held back -- because it's too personal, too intimate, too (after the fact) embarassing. But then, when a subject is an intimate one, what possible good would it do to censor the real thoughts and feelings that go with it. Infact, I'm probably (alot of people maybe)way too used to holding stuff in in shame -- even if it's "only" the shame of being emotional or sensitive.
So, I'm glad for whatever people post (I can always reject something if I find it offensive) but especially when someone shares something personal themself.
blove EL
Posted by ElaineM on January 16, 2007, at 10:30:17
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr, posted by bil on January 14, 2007, at 15:08:41
Actually, yesterday he didn't even ask at all -- though I did mention my own feelings on some things throughout. He read out more of the passages from the book I let him borrow and he interjected memories from his childhood, how he can see some of the effects still now, what his family now thought/thinks of the alcoholism.... Again, he did well, but honestly I was already preoccupied, so I couldn't keep focus all the time. It's terrible, but sometimes he was just a hum outside my "bubble hearing". I'm usually not like that at all.
He's done with it now so I doubt we'll be talking about that anymore. The rest of our communications has been interesting. We spoke about the email I sent him asking him (again!) to tell his T about me or us (*bleck*) and was running all his reasons not to into the ground. I even told him that, "T's aren't there to "steal" your feelings, or dampen the ones that seem meaningful to you. I know you don't like the idea of being told what to do with me, but there's a huge difference between someone giving advice, and listening and discussing your feelings with you - the two can be done independantly you know." And then I said, "But come on, you know all this. Is there another reason why you're resisting this?"
It's all the same stuff though. We just argue in circles about this.
thanks again, bil
blove EL
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