Posted by kara lynne on June 24, 2003, at 13:19:21
In reply to Re: Trying hard not to plummet..., posted by Tabitha on June 24, 2003, at 0:45:56
Well you guys are much kinder to me than I am. I sure hope I would never go back to him after what has gone down between us. I don't think I could ever recover a shred of self-respect if I did.
He apologized for his "bad words", but quickly went into how he was "provoked and given ultimatums" by me. I'm still trying hard to think of what those were--that I wanted to know if we were heading toward marriage after five years? That after two years of living together I brought up the idea of a marriage that was supposed to have happened after three months? Maybe one day I'll be in a relationship that my partner thinks of as a choice rather than an ultimatum.
Once again, I seem to be surrounded by women who are getting married or pregnant within their marriages. Maybe there is a reason that I am seeing this all over. Maybe there is no reason at all for it. Just random torture. Nothing personal.
Grief came sooner than I thought. My car hears most of it. It became clear quickly that my knight has no intention of shining up his armor. I thought he would try at least a little.
Thank you for the suggestions regarding noise. I am armed with packages of earplugs, but I didn't know you could get white noise machines. I will most definitely be looking into that.
My parent's just learned I moved---I told my mother he said things to me that were unforgiveable. Strangely, she asked what they were, as if maybe I had misjudged. I told her what he said about my never finding love, and threw in just a few of the more salient epithets. I said, "I know you liked him and wanted us to stay together, but if you still wanted me to be with him after he said those things to me I wouldn't be very happy." My father said it was good I moved, but that I should forgive him.
Somewhere I am struggling to figure out what I learned from them and their relationship, and their relationship with me, that made it ok for me to be in a string of abusive relationships. Not to blame (although I feel the impulse), but really to figure it out so it doesn't happen again--God please, so it doesn't happen again. I have to watch the place in me that believes I'm wrong, and the place in them that would have me believe it. "She screwed it up again, what did she do this time...?"
It happened after Father's day when we were at dinner at their house. They were in their prime that night--my father in his punitive, silent weirdness and my mother infantile, desperately clamoring for attention: "The doctor told me how young I looked for my age, that he never would have believed it if he hadn't read it in my chart--everyone tells me how good I look..." This was all she could say to us that night, and on most dinners before that. It was embarassing--the focus always had to come back to her, especially if God forbid, it landed on me for a moment. She would cue my ex that it was time for him to tell her she looked good. Meanwhile, my father was showing him a meaningless article that my "brother the lawyer" had gotten published in some magazine (to my ex, the publisher)-- I guess in a pathetic attempt to impress him. No wonder he left--he probably figured this is what he had to look forward to. Not that he came from any less crazy stock.
The grace of a woman or the grief of a child. Yes, I feel exactly that child's grief. Maybe I feel a woman's grief as well. Maybe I will be lucky enough to know grace someday--it has such a beautiful sound.
Greg--what is your relationship like? Do you have children? What is your woman like?:
poster:kara lynne
thread:236377
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030617/msgs/236670.html