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So he asked........... TRIGGERS VERY LONG

Posted by rskontos on January 25, 2008, at 11:50:55

So in therapy he asked......

When did you hide the beautiful, vivacious, beautiful self I see in these pictures? Well, that i felt was a loaded question. And one I certainly did not have an answer. And yet I was programmed to answer questions. So I searched for an answer. And rambled. I did explain that I thought men made me hide myself and since I did not learn how to have a proper relationship with men from my very distant father. The very father that told me to my face, he did not want children ever. How was I suppose to know how to relate to men. I never did. And so I closed, slowly, the part of myself off because....

I found that....

my mother, who had tons of beauty and her affairs of which her three young girls accompanied her too, but I don't remember too much as I dissociated from most of these fun excursions, taught me that beauty was a tool used to get your way.....

and that beauty too often drew the wrong kind of insects and flies and got you into trouble....

I found myself dissociating at the end of therapy and totally missing part of it, but not totally as I remember rambling or being chatty(for me this type of dissociating is like sharing, partly there partly gone......

Then I exploded in the car going home, and crying and being so extremely angry and I don't at whom. Me or him or my parents for their lack of anything to help teach us anything. My father for not cherishing his daughters like dads are suppose too. all my father can tell you is how much we cost him in money and he loves to tell people that to this day. He told my husband when we got married he better watch his wallet. And my mother for her neglect and showing us a world too early we never should have seen, and for other stuff my memories haven't shown me yet, my flashbacks are only just now beginning to let me know. I am mad that he, my therapist, ask me to look at myself in this way, but I, my intellectual side, knows he must, but the rest of me, is hurt and mad, and when I found the answer I want to yell it at him.

I wanted to say because when the world of men(at least some)for me(I don't want to say all){that is not what I said originally now I am trying not to hurt anyone here on Babble} find beauty they just want to f--k it and then it f--ks you up....that is what I wanted to yell and I did in my car. But I don't feel any better. I guess now I must email him this answer. He said I now hide myself and don't show the world the same bright beautiful vivacious girl he sees in those pictures I brought in. I knew it was a mistake to bring in those pictures. Funny thing is I dont see that. Wonder if that means I dont see things right. Oh h*ll
maybe that just means I am just messed up in the head to much. He says I can better blah blah, but after today I am not sure....I think I will just copy this and send to him. easier. And I am sorry I am ranting I will stop now. I still don't know who I am mad at him or me. Me for never thinking about who I am. For so long I have let my family's ideas influence how I think about me and I never changed. Mainly because I just shut down. and I have remained shut down for so long...

But a voice inside my head says what if he doesn't believe you...does that ever go away, thinking T doesn't believe in you...
Because he saw happy faces where I saw sad....last session was
good this was no so much. maybe I should skip the session coming up after a good one, seems like they are never good.
sorry so long...

Glad I did not post while I was driving.....I was so mad....




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poster:rskontos thread:808852