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Re: anyone

Posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 21:49:04

In reply to Re: anyone, posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2006, at 20:33:54

You guys are so kind :') sorry i can't type fast. I don't know how to say everything or where to start. sorry if I sound mixed up. um...

The self harm and suidical ideation is coming back so strong. And my body keeps failing me. The latest little thing to be thrown on top of everything else is [i think he explained it as] a bad kidney infection. Why can't I concentrate on the phone! - so nervous by the end that I've already forgotten nearly everything he said. I've been complaining to a clinic doctor (who I've seen more since leaving LadyDoc mid-August). I was describing the pain each time and he kept giving me the maddening, male doc, know-it-all, "PMS" response. Once he decided that it wasn't my appendix he just kept saying that "You know, all women get abdominal pain at certain times of the month." ?!?!?! I started crying one time. He wouldn't get it. I kept trying to explain that I know the difference between that and this thing doubling me over. He looks at me like I'm dumb. (He's the one who prescribed me Ativan for bronchitus. And also for my face pain - which ended up being an infected root-canal moving into my jaw!) I hate him, but in a sick way, I like that he treats me like sh*t. It fits.

It had been nearly two months since the first inkings of pain so I panicked (and because the mental crap had been getting really bad) and called a younger, newbie doc who's kinda far from me, but he seemed to be the only one who'd take me in. He listened a little though, and ordered basic tests that the other guy just wouldn't. A simple test, and now I know why I've been getting worsening pain since Aug! This past week and a half I could barely walk or tolerate drinking -- The day before I went I spent lying over the counter moaning, and cold-sweating. It makes me so sad and hopeless that it could take so long to be heard :'( I'm already so afraid of doctors. I flinched when he went to examine me and I felt so embarassed about it. Who does that! What a baby - I'm too old for that. He backed off a bit. Was a little too interested in the anorexia. Asked how low I got. I told him and he winced and said "Whoa that's *really* low!" and other stuff. But I'm so grateful to him.(((youngDoc))) It makes it so hard when anything extra is added onto my main problem. I hope the med starts working soon.
[alot of "the regular" medical stuff is going on but I don't need to post it] Not supposed to be taking the painkillers now but...

Saw AltMed.Doc (who sees me as one of her low-income charity cases) and she was concerned about how suicidal I seemed. I convinced her that it wasn't a big deal. Then she said, "Are you still seeing "T"? -- Yes. "How often?" -- three times a week (though it's sometimes more, but I thought saying that would sound suspicious). ANd she said, "Good, keep going. He sounds like a very nice man you know. Concerned about you.[she's talked to him]". :"( I wanted to both cry and hit her.....But he *does* care :")'s just.....AHHHHH!.......impossible to think through......




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:ElaineM thread:694836