Posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 11:21:41
In reply to Re: anyone » ElaineM, posted by LadyBug on October 14, 2006, at 23:57:36
Thanks LadyBug -- It is very hard to imagine someone else thinking of me. It was nice to say you care.
>>>>Does your T know how much you are suffering? Can he help you at all with the suicidial feelings?
Yes, I've started telling him about how poorly I am mentally. Normally I hide that cause he doesn't know what to do but hug me, or offer me money. I've been asking about the hospital. I'm telling him about the severe suicidal urges (not just self harm, but pills and stuff). I can almost feel the pain and panic radiating out of him. I make him feel so helpless and he doesn't know what to do or say.
He tells me that it's okay to feel suidical - that he will not bore me by putting me through a suicide assessment. He says I'm smart enough to pass one anyways. He is trying though, but he has a desperateness to him. When he holds me I can feel him shaking, way more than me. He went to a conference on chronic abuse and trauma and was trying to tell me the stuff that was spoken about. It just doesn't translate into real life though -- into practise. I can appreciate alot of academic things he recites to me, I can debate a little, can extrapolate and define and everything. I could probably write another paper on some of it - I can always write good papers or case studies. But that's where it ends. It doesn't translate into life. I don't think he knows how to turn book knowledge into practical. Though I don't really believe in the practical application of alot of theories. (At some point I will have to write a post about why this board confuses me so much most of the time.)
And he's having such a hard time personally - like within himself. It's very hard to witness, harder to know what to do with. I can't stand people hurting.
>>>>Do take care of yourself. Do what you are told to do to get rid of the pain.
I'm trying. I'm really trying to accept that the main physical stuff is just not going to go away. That this will always be with me. I'm trying to live with it, but it's not really living at all. I'd be much happier dead, I think. And then when other secondary pains (like the kidney infection, the multiple rootcanals...) get added on it's like the last straw. It kills whatever shreads of strength that I have. I haven't had hope for a long time. Probably since Feb. I had to let the hope in me be killed because it was too painful to keep having no one listen, and no physical relief come. It made me sadder to see this happen to me when I felt like I deserved more, or better, or mercy. But by accepting that I will never have the same body (even the pre-AN fat body) ever again, that I will never get help, and I don't even deserve people trying - especially doctors - Then it's a little less devastating when the nothingness comes, as expected.
I am trying to forget that tomorrow will come the exact same as today, and as yesterday -- I try to give up the future and just get to the end of a single day. At least until I get the guts to act out the urges I feel - though I doubt I could be so brave.
I haven't even finished the update. I wanted to SI last night for hitting the wrong stupid button when posting - how dumb is that! I didn't. I'm glad. But the tiniest things are provoking the most extreme responses.
Thank you for taking all this. I feel bad focusing on one person so much, and I feel a bit less guilty when it's out in public here -- maybe it will diffuse a little and not fall on one person and be too much. I don't know. I care about you too. (((LB)))
poster:ElaineM
thread:694836
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/694999.html