Posted by Jost on September 21, 2006, at 11:26:25
In reply to Blame » alexandra_k, posted by daisym on September 20, 2006, at 19:40:01
Blaming someone is a stage-- an important stage, I think, even if it has its limits, its own type of damage.
I spent a lot of time caught up in destructive and intense relationships with both my parents. They were the only people who were real to me. And they and I were fundamentally such different people, with such different emotional needs, awarenesses, and temperaments-- we were always deeply in conflict.
I wanted a kind of warmth and recognition of --and support for-- my aspirations and my ways of looking at, understanding, working through things-- that they couldn't give me.
and they needed a daughter who was more like they were. I don't know who that was, but not me.
So yes, I spent years being angry and hurt and blaming myself, and blaming them-- and wishing and hoping that the next time would be different-- if I did something different, if I explained something better, if I were better. It never was.
I don't think you can help blaming yourself and blaming people who hurt you so much-- whether they "meant" to-- or, even if they meant to, if they really couldn't help it. They did it, and they didn't listen, they didn't try to change.
But then, eventually, I found that blaming them didn't matter any more. I don't know why. Partly I saw that they couldn't help it. Partly, I saw that there were better things somewhere else-- which was against their philosophy, too-- and that I could find people who did understand, and did care in a way that felt much better, that mattered.
So I think it's finding something better that allows you to let go-- let go of all these tangled emotions that muffled talked about-- it's not that you forgive (although you can do that, too)-- it's that you slowly let go, and it moves away from you, into the past, where it's more veiled, distant, less and less important, less and less what's real.
What's real is the better things, feelings, ways of being that you discover.
At least that's what I've found.
Jost
poster:Jost
thread:686272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/687887.html