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Re: Blame - Trigger

Posted by littleone on September 23, 2006, at 17:58:15

In reply to Re: Blame - Trigger, posted by Jost on September 22, 2006, at 18:24:58

This discussion reminds me a lot of one I had with my T. He was saying that anger needs two components to exist. I forget what they were exactly, but they were something like:

1. You need to believe that someone/something has wronged you.
2. You need to believe that it was bad/unjust that this wrong occured.

If someone cuts me off at the lights and I think that what they did was wrong, it won't get me mad. But if I start thinking that what they did was wrong and it should never have happened and it was wrong that it happened to me, that's when the mad comes along.

My T believes that to let go of anger, you need to lose that 2nd dot point. You need to really truly accept that bad things happen in the world. And they will continue to happen. And that the world is actually a much better place *because* it has bad things.

He went on to provide examples of how it would be bad if no wrongs occurred (eg we'd all be identical which would be boring, you'd lose meaning in life because you don't have the opportunity to make the world a better place, etc).

Having said all that, I should point out that that is simply how you lose anger. It doesn't really address the fact that a wrong was committed against you.

He believes that everyone has rights. And you have a right to have your rights met. So if say someone abuses you, you have the right to take steps to protect your rights. eg you have the right to feel safe (which may be met by refusing to see your abuser anymore, etc). However, if you practice working on the anger dot points, it is possible to get your rights met without anger.

I think it is vital to understand exactly where to apportion blame/responsibility. For example, if I was physically beaten by myfather as a child, then I need to understand exactly what facits can be laid on his shoulders as well as how I may have contributed to this as well. eg if I had a pattern of provoking him, then I need to understand that, not so I can blame myself, but rather so that I can see if I am continuing this pattern today in current relationships.

But I think you can only get a truly honest and true assessment of this by understanding the full extent of what *he* did wrong. I think that without that, the urge to blame ourselves is too strong and we won't get a true assessment.

Having said all that, I also think that feeling anger and blame are vital to healing. That they are part of the working through process. I think that jumping straight to the last step would not fully resolve the issue. That you would still have it simmering away underneath.

I'm also not addressing this next comment to anyone in particular, just putting it out there for consideration. But I think that intellectually setting aside the issue of blame is a defence mechanism designed to keep a distance and hold back feelings.

I think that a big part of healing is to face the fear of truly seeing exactly how "bad" your parents were. That is a very scary thing to face - and accept.

 

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