Posted by antigua on September 21, 2006, at 8:49:54
In reply to Blame » alexandra_k, posted by daisym on September 20, 2006, at 19:40:01
I understand that sense of worthlessness. For me, it underlied everything. Let me see if I can explain. I constructed an elaborate set of beliefs about myself based on the abuse--that I was pretty, special, etc.--that helped me survive. Facing the abuse now, and attempting to face what kind of father he was, I felt that everything I believed about myself started to crumble. Because I wasn't special or pretty if he rejected me when he left me. There was nothing to hold me up; I felt the bottom had dropped out. If I wasn't those things that I identified with my father, what was I? Everything I believed about myself was wrong, and I was totally worthless. For me the word was also "hopeless". There was no hope left.
But what I've discovered (and it happened through hypnosis, although it was always there, I just didn't know) was that I don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water. I WAS pretty; furthermore, I was strong, competent etc., all those strengths that I had to develop to cope with the abuse.I guess what I am trying to say is when I hit bottom and felt so hopeless and helpless, I felt there was no core self to me. But I've discovered that there is. By identifying with the weak child I had thought I had nothing without him and his love. But I do. I see that now. I was definitely wrong about somethings (and I felt that if I was wrong about him being the loving father than I MUST be wrong about everything--again, I had no self).
But I see now that some of my core beliefs were defintely wrong, and I understand that I developed them to cope, but the basic essence of me is there, and it's pretty darned good is what I've decided. Many of the skills/strengths I developed to cope were good. It doesn't have to be a black and white question anymore for me. I see that now. Before, I only saw that if I was wrong about him, I was wrong about everything, which meant that I was hopeless.
I know I'm babbling, but wanted to talk.
best,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:686272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/687858.html