Posted by ElaineM on September 1, 2006, at 21:11:53
i went. i did it. i was so scared that i wouldn't and then i'd be too ashamed to speak to you all ever again. it was so terribly hard. i had to check-in with the same guy at the reception desk and tell him that i was there to see *****, who's listed as the sex assault counsellor. i thought the man looked at me weird after that, so i only looked at the floor after.
it was so bad. bad. the woman was nice but, she asked about EVERYTHING. every time i answered something she was like, what was that about, or tell me more about... we didn't just speak of my T -- i had to go into it all, my illness, the train of deaths in my family, leaving univeristy and my doctor, my siblings, something from the past.. i can't even remember everything. i just kept spitting out horrible stuff. i feel like dirt. i even cried like an ugly cow infront of her -- 3 times. she must've thought i was insane. i can't talk about more.
Other big stuff happened today before the meeting but i don't even care. i even told the lady that i was a b*tch who needs to suck it up. she said NO. But i don't even care about anything, and i can't stop crying. i'm so sad...too much. i'm going to ruin my world -- i already have. and i'm alone, and empty. i can't breathe from the guilt. i'm not even remembering everything that happened today. but the lady was nice -- she was a good person. i hope she didn't want to throw-up from listening to me. or laugh. i fear so much that she laughed when i left (but i think i know she was too nice to) Maybe i just want to laugh at my own f*cking stupid self.
I don't have enough in me to keep doing this. i'm not strong enough. i can't stop the saddness. my heart is going to burst from it. why do i have to be alone :-(
poster:ElaineM
thread:682157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/682157.html