Posted by ElaineM on September 2, 2006, at 14:22:28
In reply to Re: empty, posted by annierose on September 1, 2006, at 22:29:55
Yes, sorry, I was a bit confusing last night. But also, I didn't want to think too much more about it. I did tell her everything (well maybe 80% - couldn't do any better than that). The first thing CC said was something like, "From your email it sounded like you're in a difficult relationship", and she asked me to tell her a little. It was so hard to start. How do you start properly? So I said the relationship was taboo. But I panicked and only mentioned the significant age-gap. Then she got some of the specific (personal) details. And by then I was shaking so much - I couldn't control my hands and was stuttering really bad. I think I said, "But..um,..." about a million times, and started crying. And through it all she had that arched-eyebrow look that LadyT used to get when listening. And I sorta whispered that he was a T. She asked "A T, or your T". And I told her Mine. oh god, i feel really bad again. i'm so untrust-worthy. i feel so bad. I hate me. I don't care what happens.
I think CC was grossed out. She didn't really know what to say except that it was not my responsibility. But she wouldn't listen to me trying to explain what I did. She wasn't hearing. I shouldn't be blameless in everything just because I'm a crazy. But her answer to the examples I gave was always something like, HE should know better. But I think she was really grossed out.
I was only to see her once to "check in", she said, because I shouldn't be seeing her without being a student anymore. But she wants to see me once more next week -- she's searching down contacts for me. She was more concerned about me getting a physician. (this part is hard to talk about, so i won't say much) She seemed concerned about how the multiple deaths in my family, my illness, losing LadyDoc, and having such an empty life, have influenced the situation. ...i don't know...i don't like thinking of those things. But I did say that I'd please like a female T. So I don't know what will happen. I want her to keep me. But that can't happen :-(
i can't talk right now about what happened with T before the meeting with CC.
Annierose, thank you for being so nice to me.
poster:ElaineM
thread:682157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/682340.html