Posted by ElaineM on September 3, 2006, at 16:12:04
In reply to whoa!! can we switch tracks?, posted by llrrrpp on September 3, 2006, at 9:28:04
I'm so embarrassed by that post. I'm sorry - I shouldn't have been typing then. And when I read it back today I found it really triggering. I don't get triggered easily but I think the fact that it was my own post made it worse. oh, it's so terrible - certain phrases bouncing off each other. i don't even want to say it cause it's probably only noticeable to me, but it's so upsetting. I can't believe all I have to do is let my guard down a bit and that comes out.
oh. can't get over how disturbed i am. Eww. i want ladyt. I do need her. I need her for this part. She's the only one. ... No no no. This is all wrong. I can't stop thinking about it. (i want to scream so loud until my throat hurts)
I am sorry to caraher for attaching his name to that. I'm sorry to lurp for having to read it. gross. Lurp you are right. I do not think clearly. I am still the same as before. (and those are my words, not yours). It is glaring and silly when you point it out like that. You are nicely showing me how my mind changes so much. I am trying to convince myself that the way things happen are the way I wanted them to....(crying. ewww)...because then i don't have to worry...like other times. and i don't have to be sad or scared because i am picking that way. even went i didn't really...(tears)..... everything is too much of the same.
and i still want to say that maybe i am the one forcing all the choices. i STILL want to say it. It's still...always..still the first thing my brain, my mouth will say. why am i the dumbest person on this board? I'm just so fed up with myself. It is too d@mn hard to have two tapes playing constantly, over top each other. and i don't even think either one is truly me. i have no me. i am a blank. I would please like to turn off my feelings, like how they were when i didn't ever think or get sad.
lurp, i wish you had just said, "shut up you effing psycho. we hate you". if someone said that then it would be easier to stop trying. it would be easier to do the easier thing. and i'd feel less guilty about being. But you didn't. (shaking head) ... it doesn't make sense. I am grateful that you are so patient and kind. ((((LL))))) I am sorry I made you respond (in a way). i am sorry cause people are trying to help me without knowing everything. it is not fair to people. I will work on stopping, because i have NO IDEA what i really want. how can i know that ever? if there are two things that i think, how do i know which is truly me. if i am one way here, and another way apparently at my sessions, then which is me?! i really really need to know. it's really important.
i've found (am finding) it hard to accept postive support. it hurts to find myself touched by something others say. perhaps i am not the type of person who should be here.
poster:ElaineM
thread:682157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/682758.html