Posted by ElaineM on September 3, 2006, at 0:02:29
In reply to Re: empty, posted by caraher on September 2, 2006, at 17:59:09
caraher, you are kinder than i deserve. forgive me if i ramble tonight. A couple of glasses and my hands are leaden but my mind is spinning...
I know what is supposed to be right, and what's supposed to be wrong. I really feel like I must defend my T. He didn't force me into a relationship - at least, i don't consider myself having been forced. He said he felt that I wasn't benefiting from the cold, clinical stance, and so he approached me from a more friend-like perspective. And I agreed to that. I still do. I had always wanted my LadyT to consider me a friend, and I know that it's a common thing for therapy clients to wish for, so I should feel lucky that he chose to push the standards that way.
He has not forced me to sleep with him, or even come close. He has not kissed me, or touched any part of that's not already uncovered by summer clothes. He would never hurt me, or wish me ill -- infact he's been the only one to offer to accompany me to the hospital for tests. He gives me presents and flowers on special occasions when my family doesn't. He writes me prescriptions when the other doctors don't. He does paperwork for me -- more than I help him.
If all he wants is for me to let him love me, then I can do that. And I should be honored. If something more is required, then I barely even care. I don't. This fat broken body is not really mine anyways -- this is not the me I know. But he always says that everything has to be my choice, and that I have to stop having him do doctor stuff for me. I probably don't even need a T. It doesn't matter. I KNOW I DON'T CARE! I am glad he is so good to me. And from Friday's session I am sure. And I know that if I could recognize what happy felt like, I'd probably be feeling it now. But my body is dumb, and it cries on it's own, for no reason.
Maybe I even love him back. Maybe I do. I don't even know how to speak properly lately, nevermind decide what I feel. I wanted nothing more than for my LadyDoc to love me like her daughter. I felt like LadyT's daughter. So who knows. I don't even know what any kind of love feels like, so maybe I just can't recognize it when it's there. I have a hard enough time registering that I "like" something - a book, a perfume, a tv show, it doesn't matter, I don't even know how to enjoy stuff. It's no wonder people-stuff is beyond me. What the h*ll am I saying? Why do I not make sense.
I just wanted to not be difficult for CC during my appointment. And if I show up next Friday it will be so as to not insult her efforts, and because I'm a lonely loser. I know I don't care. I don't want another T. Does anyone ever come out of therapy better? Even my best experiences with one only ended up hurting still in the end, because there was an end.
I should email LadyT while I'm still feeling nice and fuzzy. I miss her -- or at least the her from my memory. If i felt like this more often then i would panic less. i do like vacations from my head. And i'm good for no SI. It is so late-early now.
poster:ElaineM
thread:682157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/682537.html