Posted by Racer on October 20, 2005, at 18:42:00
In reply to Re: Do I have to go back? » Annierose, posted by daisym on October 20, 2005, at 18:10:20
Let me start by saying, I'm sorry you're feeling so yucky, and hope that your feet don't get sore from stomping them. Which I highly recommend, providing you don't have nice neighbors downstairs. (If you have nasty neighbors downstairs -- well, bonus!)
I wonder if it might have to do with perspective. If you get into a routine with your father, or anyone else, where you both follow the same patterns time after time, then changing the way you talk to that person will stop that cycle. It isn't easy -- I've done it with both my mother and my aunt, so I speak from experience -- but it does change the dynamic, because they're not getting the same stimulous to respond to. If you can reduce your anxiety in the moment enough, it can actually be fun, in a gleefully malicious sort of a way...
I think about the way my mother and I used to interact, and call it the Mother Daughter Dance. We were both so good at the steps that we hardly had to think about them. The only way to change that was for one of us to change our steps, and there was no way to force Mother to be the one, so my choices were to suffer through it, or be the one to change. That doesn't mean that I was the one who was wrong, by the way, although it does mean that I had to be the one who played the grownup. Which sucked.
Aside from simply changing the dynamic between you, if you take the dancing analogy and stretch it a tiny bit, by changing your steps in the dance, you will see it all from a slightly different perspective, too. That might mean that you learn to see your father in a light that makes it easier for you to accept him as he is, whether that means as a well-meaning but failing father, or as a small-minded wannabe autocrat, or whatever. (Sorry, I don't know the backstory here. Those are just what came first to mind.)
I'm sorry if I'm being the Devil's advocate here. I just wanted to put that thought out there for you. I hope it helps.
poster:Racer
thread:569404
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051018/msgs/569456.html