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Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** ghost

Posted by B2chica on September 22, 2005, at 9:32:07

In reply to Re: S.ideation ***strong trigger*** B2chica, posted by ghost on September 21, 2005, at 15:03:49

thank you ghost.
i am SO sorry you are in such a similar place right now. is it the weather?
it so wierd you mention 'the purpose'. my T on monday told me i should take a class or something, something to 'enrich' (ha) my life, something i enjoy. i'm still trying to finish my lit review for my final project for my degree, i can't think of another class right now.
i do struggle with my purpose. it seems so endless.
this morning i got to work and my hubby called (to see if i made it on time-trouble waking up in morning) anyway, when we said goodbye i usually say bye or see ya later but i said i love you...goodbye. i got chills cuz it felt like the last time i was going to talk with him. god it's upsetting me even telling this. (tears).
i can't do this. i'm not strong enough. i wish i had a kitty.(i'm alergic)

i think i'm going to do the hour thing. i've got to make it to my appt. i CAN"T die before then.
i think i 'm causing all my own trouble, cuz i haven't been taking meds on regular basis. i keep freaking forgetting my zyprexa at night. been good for a week then last night i was so busy that i didn't remember till late so i skipped. then stupid me thismorning was running late and forgot morning pills. luckily i had partial stash at work, could take ritalin and 150 of wellbutrin (but i'm on 450).
this is most of my problems i'm sure.

i do love my pdoc and i know he worries about me, i have T appt at 4 today and pdoc at 6 tonight. i just have to live for one more day right. i have to make it to them.i just feel so 'destined' for death. i'm scared, i feel alone, i'm weak and vulnerable and i DETEST all these feelings (thus anger).
i can't take it.
i love you for being So honest with me, it makes me feel like not such a freak.
thanks you very much ghost.




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