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S.ideation ***strong trigger***

Posted by B2chica on September 21, 2005, at 10:22:03

i just can't stop thinking of my latest plan. i'm not even really depressed anymore. i think the meds are slightly kicking it. but not only do i imagine the step by step of it, i keep getting these visuals that i botch the job and become basically a vegetable, can't really communicate, can't really move. being in a hospital...
this is scaring the crap out of me, literally scaring me! it's SO real! i guess that can be good cuz it's one defense about acting. but i just keep dwelling on it and it makes me more upset and then the S. thoughts, come back, then the images come again...one giant circle of anxiety!
i do the normal, try to watch tv, read, i've even been getting on treadmill a little each night and i still have them.
i just had one that was very disturbing that's why i'm writing now (it was of a nurse lifting my heavy head to put a new pillow under my head-my head bobbled and slightly moved around and i was oblivious to everything.
i see pdoc tomorrow at 6:00.
i'm just really tired of being suicidal.
i feel like i need to sh@t or get off the pot. do it or back away completely.

i feel like such a failure...to everyone around me. that if i die i fail my hubby, if i don't i fail me.
either way i loose.
b2c.


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poster:B2chica thread:557639
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050920/msgs/557639.html