Posted by Susan47 on July 29, 2005, at 0:41:16
In reply to Re: Lott: Question about recovering from transference, posted by deborah anne lott on July 28, 2005, at 21:46:34
I loved your book. After what I'd put myself through in therapy with my male T, your book helped me begin a recovery of sorts. I was able to get justifiably angry with my therapist, I was able to find a focus for the anger I'd been feeling at my own helplessness in therapy .. he was good-looking, he was attentive, kind, mannerly, and he looked at me once in a way that was pretty sexual. It really set me off; for a long, long time I went a bit nuts. I was angry with him and I didn't know how to express the anger, I didn't really even know for a long time where the anger came from. My deepest desire, for a long time, was to give him back some of that sexual behaviour I'd witnessed. And many of my issues center around my feelings of sexual inadequacy and sense of unattractiveness.
For the first time I knew I wasn't alone in my experience, and I was able to allow myself some forgiveness over my anxiety and anger towards my T.
I felt as though my T had stolen something from me when I "fell in love" with him. It was an emotionally devastating experience. I suffered feelings of sadness, anxiety, and rejection along with my "love" and the worst of it was that I could never truly express to this man how I felt about him because of course, ethically, he would have to reject me, yet it seems that therapy is set up in such a way that I became dependent on my therapist for the very thing that he could not possibly give me. And he either didn't understand that or didn't know how to tell me without destroying any self-esteem I had. (Not much) Male therapists need to fully know the effect and the power they do have, and women in therapy need to understand what they're vulnerable to. Your book is really valuable in that way. I wish I'd read it before I'd gone into therapy.
It's been a long while since I've read your book and I hope I don't sound too ignorant, I'm just going by memory. Haven't read the thread about your book, either. Please forgive me for that.One thing you mentioned in this post I'm replying to, I'd like to address ...
Your statement that a client may have to accept that she may always be a little bit in love with her therapist .. well, that just doesn't seem helpful to someone like me. I really did believe I was in love with him and if I were to continue to believe that then it exacerbates the feelings of loss. I'm not sure it's helpful to think that the love we experience in therapy is real at all. Even today there are times when I'm convinced it's real, then it hurts .. but when I can feel a proper distance, the distance that the reality of the situation demands, then I know it can't possibly be love, other than the love I feel for anyone who's a kind, compassionate human being.
poster:Susan47
thread:534787
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/535175.html