Posted by deborah anne lott on July 28, 2005, at 21:46:34
In reply to Lott: Question about recovering from transference, posted by pinkeye on July 28, 2005, at 12:32:01
This is probably the most difficult situation a client can go through. There are no easy answers so if it sounds like I'm offering an easy how-to, I don't mean to. I've been there myself (as I think you can tell from my book)and I'm convinced a client can use the experience for good in her life, but that is not denying that it can be very very painful. I think one thing the client has to do is stop fantasizing and telling herself that the romance is going to happen, or that the therapist is really one's soul mate, or that these incredible things he/she said in session meant that he/she really did love even though he denied it, or imagine meetings years later, or all the things we do when we have that intense yearning. When a therapist moves away or retires or even dies, the grief and loss are also real. It is okay to grieve and to recognize that something important has been lost. If the client, either alone or with the subsequent therapist, can trace the feelings back to earlier events in her life, and find the emotional thread of them -- that sometimes helps. What I mean is if a client can remember feeling that way as a child yearning for her mother's love or her father's attention, or whatever it was she didn't get -- that can sometimes help. If she can start to understand that the feelings reside in her, and that she has some power over them, rather than believing that they reside in him and that she is helpless to do anything but yearn and be unrequited.The client must recognize that the person she is in love with probably does not exist -- what she saw of her therapist in the consulting room may be the very best of him, and there is a lot that she did not see. If you read the stories of the women in my book who actually had their fantasies fulfilled -- by having sex with their therapists -- you will see how quickly the love can go away when confronted with the harsh light of reality.
The client should try not to compare the therapist favorably with her spouse or significant other or potential significant others, or anyone else she's having a real relationship with. That's always counterproductive. She should try not to tell herself that everything in her life would be better if only he/she loved her. If fantasies of the therapist are filling a hole in the client's relationship life, she needs to try to figure out if there's a way to improve those real relationships or to find someone able to fulfill more of her needs.
I think probably the most important thing is to grieve if she needs to. She's got to accept the loss, and allow herself to feel it. She'll probably be grieving more than the loss of this transference love -- maybe all the losses of her life that she never got to grieve.
She also has to accept that maybe she'll always be a little bit in love with her therapist, but that this love can recede and doesn't preclude her loving others. She needs to try to take in and hold onto whatever actual good she got from the therapy. And it helps to realize that one is not alone -- many of us have been there -- if not with a therapist, with a teacher, or an older sibling's best friend, or someone else unavailable. The client should try to do whatever she can to be active, and pro-active, in her life rather than passive because I think passivity only increases that sense of helpless longing. The client should try to turn her love to someone who needs it -- maybe by volunteering at a homeless shelter or reading a book to kids once a week at the library, or doing something good for someone who will appreciate it.
What do others think about this? Any other suggestions?
> Hi Ms. Lott,
>
> I have read your book, and found it to be of incredible value. It gave me such good points and validated so many feelings I had for my psychiatrist. It is an incredible work !! Thanks a lot for writing that.
>
> A question I have in my mind is - How does one recover from intense transference towards their therapist? When for some reason you don't have the therapist to support you or work with you through your transference or if that help is inadequate? (For instance, when the therapist retires, or moves away, or when you move away). Even working with another therapist is not the same in those extreme transferences. How does one guide herself/himself through transference and work out of it?
>
> Are there any special techniques, other than the obvious ones - talk about it, get support from other people? Many times, the transference is so extremely intense and painful (especially when it is romantic transference, and you don't have any contact with your therapist) and how does one guide herself/himself out of it?
poster:deborah anne lott
thread:534787
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/535080.html