Posted by pinkeye on May 10, 2005, at 15:13:20
In reply to Re: I could be so much happier. **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on May 10, 2005, at 14:55:24
And I have taken lot of shame at the way how I served as a kind of pseudo wife to my dad.. I thought somehow I made him treat me like that.. I thought I wanted to have a relationship like that with my dad, but I know I have total repulsion for that kind of relationship. And I could have told my dad to stop - to stop discussing everything with me, to stop leaning on me for support, to not treat me as himself and make me do stuff that he didn't do himself. I could have told him to stop and that I am not going to take all the bull**** anymore. I could have told him I didn't like him touching me all that much, that I would prefer my own private space.
But maybe he didn't let me, I remember I wanted to sleep separately, but then he said he was just my dad.. And my mom also went with that.. she didn't protest either. Many times, I would be so ashamed if my mom or some servants come inside the room and I was with my father - all the time sitting on his lap or hugging him etc, but I didn't protest. I could have said I really really didn't like it, and he is a good man, he would have listened. In all likelihood he was very innocent, and he thought he was just being cute or affectionate, but I ddin't like it one bit. Instead I kept silent, but started becoming too fat, because I didn;t want to be attractive .. I think it was all due to the shame I felt at my own body and my relationship with my dad. And my mother didn't matter at all for my dad.. it was all the time me me me. In some ways, I think I took on that role to protect my mother.. because once he realized that I was turning out to be exactly what he wanted, then he started mellowing down on my mom. He didn't scold her too much after that. And I think my mom was just happy to have him off her back, and she didn't protest either.
And I wanted to wear more girly kind of clothes, and I wanted to have long hair, and I wanted to have sleep overs with my cousins, and wanted to be more close to friends, and my dad didn't let me do any of it. Till I was 15 or 16, I hadn't stayed away from both my parents even for a day.
I kept silent all that time, for so many years, and it is too late now.
poster:pinkeye
thread:495224
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/496071.html