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Re: Trying doesn't count, I guess...

Posted by daisym on April 5, 2005, at 12:16:31

In reply to Trying doesn't count, I guess..., posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 11:47:32

SV --

I encourage you to keep your appointment on the 12th. You are hurting, it all feels like rejection, even if it was inevitable and you knew the timelines. It still hurts. I want to use a weird example, so hang in there with me, OK?

I worked at a hospital for a lot of years with pregnant women. Very rarely, we would lose a baby at birth. There was a whole procedure for saying good-bye -- wrapping up the baby, having the mom hold the baby if she could, taking a photo, lock of hair, etc. I know this sounds sort of warped, but what we knew was that 6 months from now, when the intense pain and grief had eased off slightly, these moments, the saying "good-bye" would be intensely important to that mom (and dad).

I think you need to look at this opportunity to say good-bye the same way. Six months from now you will still probably hurt, but you can know that you ended with closure. I think you will regret it if you just leave a note, with no feedback. Write down how you are feeling. Write down that you think she never cared. Write down that you will miss her and have a lot of work still to do. Because if she responds the way I think she will, you will know that she is shutting down because she will miss you too. And knowing this will validate any of the good things that you've been able to do. And it will set the stage for the next time you enter therapy. She wouldn't have explained her schedule to you if she didn't feel badly about not being able to see you. She would just have said she couldn't. It sounded to me like she really regrets not being able to fit you in this week. And she did offer another session, so she recognizes you might need more time.

I hate good-bye. I'm not good at it. I always want to run from it. And I always wish I had said what was on my mind, and not have to live with it stuffed away, fantasizing about the conversation I wished I'd had. So, I understand if you don't go see her. But I think you should.

I hear so much pain in your post. I wish I could take it away. Losing someone hurts so bad.
Hugs from me.




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