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i hate myself so much

Posted by shrinking violet on April 1, 2005, at 11:15:53

I'm managing to make these last sessions with my therapist as hellish as possible for both of us. I don't mean to, I really don't, but I think she believes I do it on purpose, which makes it all worse.

I've been avoiding her for a few weeks, b/c when I go there I leave upset. It's just too hard. But today I did manage to go. Before I went, I was feeling fairly okay, and I thought maybe I could finally go there and at least make some small-talk. In my head, I could "see" how things might go: maybe I'd cry, maybe we'd hug, maybe we'd tell each other how much we meant. But, as always, I get there, sit in the chair, and....well, that's it. I don't look at her, I don't betray any emotion. Hence, she thinks I'm angry with her and treats me as such. And what got me today was, knowing how difficult it was for me to go there b/c of how afraid I was of being hurt or upset by her, the ONE thing she managed to say to me was to make sure she told me what not to do once I leave her for good (i.e., DON'T email me, DON'T call me, etc). So all that did was alienate me from her more. I grew more angry and defensive and hateful. Again, I left after a half hour. I didn't want to leave necessarily....No, I did want to, but only b/c I didn't want to sit there and react that way to her anymore. I know it's hard on her too.

Why can't I go there and be "normal?" Why do I automatically shut down when I get there? I know the reasons, I know my history, I know why. But why doesn't she? ANd if she does, why does she still react to me like I'm trying to hurt her on purpose?

I'm not sure I can go back. But, I don't want this session to be the last, either, because I do want to say goodbye to her properly. But I'm not sure if I'd be able to, and I couldn't take another session like the past couple have been. And why should I show her how hurt and upset I am at leaving her? It wouldn't matter to her, and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I would miss her that much, when she couldn't give to bits about me.

It's even more complicated than I can convey here. It runs so deep, the hurt and confusion and hate and frustration toward myself, and maybe my T too, and this whole thing with her.

Part of me wants to call her and cry and tell her how sorry I am, that I didn't want it to be that way today. But would that even matter?

I don't know, I don't know what to do....

I don't want to live anymore, I really don't....




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