Posted by shrinking violet on October 7, 2004, at 19:55:56
In reply to Re: not sure i can / should keep doing this » shrinking violet, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 6, 2004, at 12:25:17
> I've been reading through some old posts and didn't know if I should respond or not, but I can SO relate to this. I don't even know how to express the amount of pain I feel; nor am I able to cry. I understand what you mean about not knowing what to do. And I've often thought the same as you, that if she know's she's "hurting" me (unintentionally of course) would she terminate me because "it would be in my best interest"? Even though the thought of losing her is completely devestating. ugggghh
((((littlegirllost))))I'm sorry you can relate, and that you're hurting. It's actually been a bit better for me since I posted that....not that I still dont feel that way on some level, but in-between sessions hasnt been as hard (although my T and I tend to email a bit between sessions, which probably helps). I've been a lot more busy as well (school, internship, work) so I think I'm generally more preoccupied. Last week, I noticed that I kept my T with me all week...I felt like she was next to me, and for the first time in my life I felt truly connected to someone, and cared for by someone. Which is pretty new to me, but it felt really nice. I havent told her yet, though; I didnt get to see her last night b/c I was in a car accident and missed the appt, and I'm not even sure I could tell her. Part of me is afraid if I told her, it'll somehow go away. I think my T knows that our relationship means a lot to me. I think it means something to her as well....she's said as much, but I keep thinking it cant be the same for her as it is for me. I think it would be easier for her to hear that our closeness is helping me, or making me feel "held" or comforted, etc, but to hear things like what I posted about originally in this thread, I fear it would bother her and she'd have to react ethically. *sigh* It IS hard, and we could go in circles trying to figure it all out.
Have you tried to discuss this with your T at all? IF not telling her how hard it is for you, at least discussing your relationship/attachment for her? Maybe that would give you some idea of how she feels about it, and how she might react to hearing you're having a harder time. Maybe you just need more support right now in-between sessions, which isn't a bad thing, either. But I guess it depends on the T; they can be so different.
I hope you find peace soon. Email me if you need/want to talk more. :)
-SV
poster:shrinking violet
thread:388901
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/400163.html