Posted by shrinking violet on September 9, 2004, at 18:58:41
I saw my T today. I don't feel that great about it all...I managed to talk some today, and we went over some of my artwork and I sat next to her as we went through each piece, but I know I'm still not doing and saying what she wants / needs from me. Not that I know exactly what that is. Not that I'd know where to start, either.
Besides, I think I'm going to lose her in December. I was originally going to graduate in Dec (my T is a LICSW at my university), but I decided to slow down and extend it until May. But I'm pretty sure my T is going to end with me in Dec. Even today, she said we have a "few months..." So I figure, even if I were somehow able to let all of this stuff out, why would I do that when we have such a short time left? I feel like the stuff is *right there,* that at any time it's going to come pouring out, whether I want it to or not, but why would I open the floodgates and risk her not being there to help me work through it or contain it?
Maybe I should quit with her now. Why go for the next few months, only to torture both of us, and count down to that one last goodbye session? I dont know if I can handle that.
But maybe I'm just running away from the "closeness" of our relationship (as my T is fond of saying). It is too intense, and too intimate, and close....especially for something that isn't even real. My T says just because it isn't the same as friendships or other relationships, doesn't make it unreal. But I don't know if I agree with that; it's easy for her to say, isn't it? I mean next to nothing to her. I'll never be her friend, or her daughter, or even an outside acquaintance. She means too much to me, and it hurts, and it's scary. And I dont know if I can handle it. When I leave her office, and go back to my lonely, dark world, it's too hard. The difference is almost palpable. And the six days in-between have been so very hard lately. I'm not sure why. I'm afraid she'll forget me, or I'll forget her. Or maybe I need reassurance and reminding that she's actually there. But I can't have that. And that's just another reminder of how weird and surreal this "thing" with her is.
The ironic thing is that I don't think I can even tell her any of that. Because then she'll think my relationship with her is "hurting" me and she might terminate me, which would be too devastating.
I don't know what to do.
And my cat's vet just called; her bloodtest showed hyperthyroidism, so now she has to go on meds. :( Just another reminder that nothing is permanent. And I dont want my cat to be sick. :(
I'm really at a loss. Maybe I should just decide whether I can exist the way my life is now, and the way I feel inside, for the next xx years. Or if not, maybe it's time to cash in the chips.
I tried. But did I really?
*sigh*A good note: I gaver her a birthday/thank you gift today ands she accepted it (I wasn't sure she would or could), and seemed to like it. I hope. :)
poster:shrinking violet
thread:388901
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040905/msgs/388901.html