Posted by JenStar on September 10, 2004, at 1:11:11
In reply to not sure i can / should keep doing this, posted by shrinking violet on September 9, 2004, at 18:58:41
hi SV,
to me it sounds like you are a very thoughtful person, esp. in the gift-giving arena! You seem to have a real knack for picking out things that so suit a personality. And it's cool that your T accepted the mug.I'm sorry about your cat! I hope that he (she?) will do OK on the meds...I love my pets a lot too and find that it's easy to spend $$ on their health even when I should be pinching the budget in general...
I think your questions about the reality of therapy are really, really deep. I suppose your T is right -- the relationship IS real. It's just not permanent, and it's not equal. And for me, those are the things that I usually want when I enter into a meaningful relationship. Otherwise it's like renting instead of buying; smelling a roast chicken instead of eating it. Sort of unsatisfying, after all. And most people learn to live on the edge of handling it relatively well; they put up with the emotional pain of wanting the unobtainable just because the relationship is helpful enough to warrant it.
I was thinking about this the other day. Suppose all of us out there who have transference or feeling for our T's were suddenly granted what we THOUGHT we wanted, or wanted even fleetingly for a moment: The T said to us, "Hey, I like you so much that I'm going to terminate you right now and refer you to XX person for therapy. Then I'm going to wait the recommended 6 mo (2 years?) and I'm going to call you up and we're going to be best friends!"
After a brief feeling of triumph, I think I'd feel burdened. This would require a HUGE amount of work and input on my part: Lots of listening and offering of advice -- which would have to be sound and well thought out -- to even out the playing field; lots of emotional support; learning more details than I have ever given, causing tears; asking probing questions; etc. It might be something that in the end turned out to be very unwanted. When this person came down off the pedastal and joined me face to face, would I still feel that sense of excited exaltation anymore? When this person became a peer instead of a sage, a wiseman, an oracle, would I even be interested?
It seems exhausting, and I'd rather start from scratch with a brand new person, squeaky clean, off the shelf, in the package, instead of trying to rework something so intricately!
Maybe the excitement of viewing the unobtainable friend/confidant/lover is part of what keeps people coming back to therapy? The anticipation of Christmas morning is sometimes more fun than the actual day (for me, anyway!)
I"m not sure if that is anything close to what you've ever felt. But your questions really got me thinking about the topic...
Maybe it's best to just enjoy the relationship for what it is, even knowing it will fade eventually. It can still be great NOW, right? Surreal things can be very lovely (Dali!) And sometimes renting IS better than buying...it's sort of like a 'test drive' for future 'real' relationships!
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you're conflicted. I hope that things improve. And I really hope your cat is OK.
Please give updates!
Best wishes from
JenStar
I saw my T today. I don't feel that great about it all...I managed to talk some today, and we went over some of my artwork and I sat next to her as we went through each piece, but I know I'm still not doing and saying what she wants / needs from me. Not that I know exactly what that is. Not that I'd know where to start, either.
>
> Besides, I think I'm going to lose her in December. I was originally going to graduate in Dec (my T is a LICSW at my university), but I decided to slow down and extend it until May. But I'm pretty sure my T is going to end with me in Dec. Even today, she said we have a "few months..." So I figure, even if I were somehow able to let all of this stuff out, why would I do that when we have such a short time left? I feel like the stuff is *right there,* that at any time it's going to come pouring out, whether I want it to or not, but why would I open the floodgates and risk her not being there to help me work through it or contain it?
>
> Maybe I should quit with her now. Why go for the next few months, only to torture both of us, and count down to that one last goodbye session? I dont know if I can handle that.
>
> But maybe I'm just running away from the "closeness" of our relationship (as my T is fond of saying). It is too intense, and too intimate, and close....especially for something that isn't even real. My T says just because it isn't the same as friendships or other relationships, doesn't make it unreal. But I don't know if I agree with that; it's easy for her to say, isn't it? I mean next to nothing to her. I'll never be her friend, or her daughter, or even an outside acquaintance. She means too much to me, and it hurts, and it's scary. And I dont know if I can handle it. When I leave her office, and go back to my lonely, dark world, it's too hard. The difference is almost palpable. And the six days in-between have been so very hard lately. I'm not sure why. I'm afraid she'll forget me, or I'll forget her. Or maybe I need reassurance and reminding that she's actually there. But I can't have that. And that's just another reminder of how weird and surreal this "thing" with her is.
>
> The ironic thing is that I don't think I can even tell her any of that. Because then she'll think my relationship with her is "hurting" me and she might terminate me, which would be too devastating.
>
> I don't know what to do.
>
> And my cat's vet just called; her bloodtest showed hyperthyroidism, so now she has to go on meds. :( Just another reminder that nothing is permanent. And I dont want my cat to be sick. :(
>
> I'm really at a loss. Maybe I should just decide whether I can exist the way my life is now, and the way I feel inside, for the next xx years. Or if not, maybe it's time to cash in the chips.
>
> I tried. But did I really?
> *sigh*
>
> A good note: I gaver her a birthday/thank you gift today ands she accepted it (I wasn't sure she would or could), and seemed to like it. I hope. :)
poster:JenStar
thread:388901
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040905/msgs/389057.html