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Re: Thinking about suicide

Posted by Meltingpot on August 21, 2009, at 7:55:21

In reply to Re: Thinking about suicide ceres, posted by Maxime on August 17, 2009, at 10:01:47

Hi Maxime,

I guess you know that on this board you are definately not alone with these thoughts. The only thing I seem to be able to do any more is work, study or clean the house which might sound like a lot but I used to do a lot more too.

I was feeling suicidal yesterday and I went for two job interviews, whilst I was telling the interviewers how interesting the job sounded, these suicidal thoughts kept popping into my head. Well I guess I was putting them there, like
another poster said sometimes fantasies of suicide bring some kind of relief.

One of my pen pals (who also suffers from depression) can't understand how I can keep working when I'm having suicidal thoughts but I do because it gives me some source of distration and makes me feel as though I have not entirely fallen off the ride and the medication does help to some degree.

I know that my suicidal thoughts are not really me wanting to die but me wanting to end the way I feel but I guess there is always something left to try. I would have ECT but no psychiatrist will refer me for it and if it came down to it and if I'd heard of really good results with Deep Brain Stimulation then I might consider that too.

I understand why the film "the hours" is called "The hours" because all I can do sometimes is just try and get through each hour until the day is finally over and I experience a sense of relief from that. I never used to feel relieved when the day was over.

I have written to a place that delivers assisted suicide and plan on becoming a member because if I ever decide that I just don't want to go on with this daily battle then I will have somewhere I can go to (hopefully) give myself some sort of relief. I just feel like I want to have suicide as an option.

Sometimes people say to me "well why don't you just go and do it then" as if it was that easy. I'm scared of messing it up and like the other poster says, ending up with brain damage. I can't understand how people can hurl themselves in front of trains or jump off high buildings or slash there wrists because I just couldn't do it, I think I get a lot of anxiety from having the suicidal thoughts but then not being able to act upon them. Maybe I just having got that low or maybe I'm not as depressed and anxious as I think I am.

When I read this post back it all sounds so melodramatic but that is how I feel.

A friend who I met recently said that I seemed like a happy person when I talked about my depression. I can fake happiness for a while but it is a strain.

Sorry to go on, sometimes I just get carried away and your post really struck a chord with me.

If anything at least your post made other people feel a little less alone.

Just to mention also I started experiencing sleep problems at Christmas I couldn't not sleep for three nights. I have found that this clomipramine that I am taking definately helps with my sleep so that might be a possible option for you some time in the future.





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