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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ceesea on December 11, 2004, at 5:46:37
i just can't do this anymore
my life does not mean enough for me to preserve the "good" things in the hope that i get better
i have no hope of getting betteri want to find a cave somewhere and just stop. wait. eventually it will all go away. i don't want to be rescued but if i don't do anything then they can't rescue me from it.
i went to work yesterday but it didn't make things better. felt like passing out so sat down for a minute, next thing i know co-worker is telling supervisor who is telling the CNs that i am sick and everyone spends the whole day asking if i am ok. what do you say? No, I am not ok. I get nausea/dizzy spells 5-10 times a day, but there it nothing phyisically wrong with me. i shake and have terrible acne and sweating all side effects from meds that don't work anyway. I take 11 pills a day and i hate myself, have a great life and am unable to enjoy it. i want to die and am planning ways to do it. but thanks for asking.
i look vacant. i feel vacant. i dread each and every day. i spent most of the day before yesterday asleep on the loungeroom floor.
my psych today wants me to consider that i have "intrinsic anxiety", ie not an anxiety disorder but anxiety that is part of my personality. wouldn't be treatable with meds. could that be causing past suicide attempts rather than depression? we go over my little stint of panic attacks at 15, what cured them, and come out with nothing.
I DON'T CARE what's causing it.
just make it stop already.i told him my plans for passive suicide. he said take a blood test and see you next week.
or not.
i am over being a problem for my fiance. i don't do anything so he does it. i don't want him to do things for me. just do his own thing. i don't want to be a burden or problem anymore, it's gone on too long already.
might just retire to one of the rooms under the house, with all the spiders and dust. lots of old mattresses down there. probably bats. i like bats. would rather spend time with them than with people.
yours in flat desperation
CC
Posted by Toph on December 11, 2004, at 8:52:28
In reply to over everything, posted by ceesea on December 11, 2004, at 5:46:37
Nice to meet you, ceesea. Sorry you feel so bad. I'm here on my computer, too. You'll find a lot of desperate people here. I don't know what is eating you up so, but that "intrinsic anxiety" thing strikes me as odd, like it's untreatable or something. Sorry if this is Pollyanish but I can say with certainty that the only definitive diagnoses for you is "intrinsically human." Humans hurt and humans heal. Look, you don't want to go into a marriage totally blind about the other person. So your fiance is getting to know some of your weaknesses early. The fact that he still wants to be with you when you are not on top of things is actully a good sign for your future together. Believe me, you'll see a few of his blemishes in due time. Anyway, your depression sounds serious and I have a hunch that theres some chemistry that may need adjusting. You express yourself well and so there's lots to be hopeful about. Don't rush into your marriage. They whole ceremony thing can be a real stressor. Stick around, I'd love to hear how things work out for you.
-Toph
Posted by ceesea on December 11, 2004, at 18:15:52
In reply to Re: over everything » ceesea, posted by Toph on December 11, 2004, at 8:52:28
hi Toph
i have been here before a long time ago. i guess some background is appropriate though, hey? diagnosed with depression 4yrs ago, though i had felt that way my whole life. breakdown 3.5 years ago where i was first hospitalised and the medication merry-go-round started. 2 yrs in and out of hospital on and off drugs and several goes at ECT. last april I started seeing a new psychiatrist and he has kept me out of hospital so far. i'm running out of things to try though...on edronax, lithium, serapax and xanax (prn) at the moment, but the lithium has made me hypothyroid and i have to take oroxine for that.........etc etc.
have been with fiance for 4.5 yrs and he knows all about it, he is wonderfully supportive but i feel like i have given him enough grief. He's had me ODing, he's had to call the police and have me taken to hospital, and he had to care for me full time for about 9 months when the ECT and stuff was happenning. not planning to marry for a while though, maybe 2007....both come from split families so the piece of paper is not so important to either of us.
i'm trying to work and work is supportive and are changing me to 80% workload but it's just all too much. nothing gets done at home, i have no desire to do anything at all. oh and i'm pretty pissed off that 3 yrs of intensive treatment (therapy meds etc) has left me right back where i started - able to appear normal but unable to function or enjoy myself.
my psych and i have (seperately - we just happen to agree) diagnosed me with major depression, chonic dysthymia, avoidant personality disorder and *anxiety* of some sort. psych doesn't know about the OCD traits or the bulimia because they are side issues at the moment. my psychologist does know though.
sorry
whinging i know
i hate this i wish i could be a positive happy person
i'm just so damn tired of it all
thankyou so much for your reply! i don't feel quite so isolated anymore.
CC
Posted by ceesea on December 12, 2004, at 1:50:50
In reply to Re: over everything, posted by ceesea on December 11, 2004, at 18:15:52
stepmum calls this morning cos dad is in hospital with chest pains.........
nothing serious turns out to be pericarditis but shit, thinking about that, work tomorrow, dinner tonight, it's all just too hard.i wanna sleep for yrs and yrs
and i want it to be winter already
CC
Posted by alesta on December 12, 2004, at 7:12:47
In reply to over everything, posted by ceesea on December 11, 2004, at 5:46:37
hi CC,:)very pleased to meet you, and glad you are reaching out here.:) i hesitated to respond to this as my energy levels and thought processes have very recently taken an extreme dip due to depression. but i want to try and help as best i can..you sound very nice and i do think there's hope for you! :)
i agree with toph's post. he made some very good points.
it definitely sounds to me like you may be experiencing depression. would you mind sharing what meds you're taking?
your therapist sounds extremely insensitive and it doesn't sound like he is addressing your depression, from the info given. is this correct? and your psych dismissing your suicidal comment is very unwise and unempathetic. i am sorry. i also am unsure about this "intrinsic anxiety". some med info might help.
i look forward to your response.:-)
amy :)
Posted by alesta on December 12, 2004, at 7:21:53
In reply to Re: over everything, posted by ceesea on December 11, 2004, at 18:15:52
> hi Toph
> i have been here before a long time ago. i guess some background is appropriate though, hey? diagnosed with depression 4yrs ago, though i had felt that way my whole life. breakdown 3.5 years ago where i was first hospitalised and the medication merry-go-round started. 2 yrs in and out of hospital on and off drugs and several goes at ECT. last april I started seeing a new psychiatrist and he has kept me out of hospital so far. i'm running out of things to try though...on edronax, lithium, serapax and xanax (prn) at the moment, but the lithium has made me hypothyroid and i have to take oroxine for that.........etc etc.
> have been with fiance for 4.5 yrs and he knows all about it, he is wonderfully supportive but i feel like i have given him enough grief. He's had me ODing, he's had to call the police and have me taken to hospital, and he had to care for me full time for about 9 months when the ECT and stuff was happenning. not planning to marry for a while though, maybe 2007....both come from split families so the piece of paper is not so important to either of us.
> i'm trying to work and work is supportive and are changing me to 80% workload but it's just all too much. nothing gets done at home, i have no desire to do anything at all. oh and i'm pretty pissed off that 3 yrs of intensive treatment (therapy meds etc) has left me right back where i started - able to appear normal but unable to function or enjoy myself.
> my psych and i have (seperately - we just happen to agree) diagnosed me with major depression, chonic dysthymia, avoidant personality disorder and *anxiety* of some sort. psych doesn't know about the OCD traits or the bulimia because they are side issues at the moment. my psychologist does know though.
> sorry
> whinging i know
> i hate this i wish i could be a positive happy person
> i'm just so damn tired of it all
> thankyou so much for your reply! i don't feel quite so isolated anymore.
> CCi should've read all your posts before replying ..i see you listed your anxiety meds and your diagnoses (which include depression). so how well has the xanax worked for your anxiety? and can you describe what makes you anxious? is it people, just random anxiety attacks (anxiety attacks are where your heart pounds and you kind of feel like you might be having a heart attack), a phobia, or what?
sorry for all my questions, lol. just really trying to help. i'm going to read your next email now.
amy
Posted by Shortelise on December 13, 2004, at 0:44:39
In reply to over everything, posted by ceesea on December 11, 2004, at 5:46:37
Hi Ceesea,
I am just sorry things are so awful for you. You must really be at your wits end after so much treatment and still feeling so awful.
I hope it gets better.
ShortE
Posted by ceesea on December 13, 2004, at 0:56:59
In reply to Re: over everything » ceesea, posted by alesta on December 12, 2004, at 7:21:53
hi alesta
i understand thinking problems etc - my mind is mush due to depression. thankyou for your replies.
xanax does nothing for me and i rarely take it. i can't have diazapam as i have been addicted to it in the past. i actually don't get panic attacks or "normal" anxiety symptoms. you could not diagnose me with an anxiety disorder. i think psych means some sort of anxious personality - my mother says "no shit sherlock" and that she is anxious too. we both have stomach ulcers, for example. i have IBS and tend to dissociate when i can't cope, like at the supermarket or something like that. oh and the OCD thing....apparently that is all related to anxiety but if it is it isn't conscious - my patterns and behaviours just feel "right" and any other way feels "wrong", i don't think the world will end if all the labels aren't the same way when i put my cereal boxes in the cupboard but i do like them to be like that.
i am very cynical and closed. i avoid people. i don't answer the phone but that is because mostly i don't have the energy to talk. not cos i am scared of them.
i quite like my psych, i have seen him for about 18 months and normally he is good about meds and listening to me. he also answers his pager after hrs, and helps me with dealing with the hospital. i think he is just too optimistic right now, he really thinks this lithium is going to help even though it stopped helping and made me sick. he doesn't want me in hospital unneccessarily so he won't consider that unless i am actively going to kill myself, which means all he can do is fiddle with my meds until i get better or worse.
i kinda feel like no-one can do anything unless i get better or worse. i really want to stop sliding towards the abyss but i don't know how, and either do they.
yeuch.
thanks for trying to help me
CC
Posted by ceesea on December 13, 2004, at 1:22:25
In reply to Re: over everything » ceesea, posted by Shortelise on December 13, 2004, at 0:44:39
thankyou
yes i think that is about 1/3 my problem is the length of time treated and the amount of things we've tried there is just nothing left.
so frustrating and depressing
CC
Posted by alesta on December 13, 2004, at 6:53:43
In reply to Re: over everything » alesta, posted by ceesea on December 13, 2004, at 0:56:59
good morning CC,:)
(ah! just lost my post to you, so this one will be short and to the point..)
i'm so glad to try and help..you're quite welcome. please bare with me..got more questions.:) i'm curious why you were prescribed lithium? and what symptoms did it alleviate?
about your curious anxiety situation..usually when someone has anxiety, they feel it. are you not very in touch with your feelings? anxiety is a feeling, so if you don't feel it, you can't have anxiety, know what i mean?
could it be generalized anxiety? do you worry a lot, for instance?i'll give some suggestions (rather than questions) in my next post, promise!
amy
Posted by Toph on December 13, 2004, at 14:58:25
In reply to Re: over everything, posted by ceesea on December 11, 2004, at 18:15:52
Hello again CC,
I'm really sorry that I missed your reply. I have been preoccupied and my wife hates every minute I spend on the computer. She thinks I'm obsessed. I'm at the library right now so that just proves that she's right. I feel really bad that I can't offer anything other than my support and empathy. Empathy because I'm bipolar and when I'm depressed life is so painful I can't even describe it. Unlike your experience, lithium has helped. I'm trying Lamictal and it's too early to tell whether it's going to help. You may want to ask your doc about it.I want to ask you something if you feel like conversing. What were you doing when you last felt some satisfaction? There is some relief to be had beyond the chemistry with doing activities that make us feel good about ourselves. This is a tough question to answer when you're down. But even if it was a long time ago I'd love to know when you felt good about something (notice I didn't say happy). Anyway, I hope that things begin to improve for you soon. We're probably thousands of miles away from each other but I feel your pain.
-Toph
Posted by ceesea on December 13, 2004, at 20:52:04
In reply to Re: over everything » ceesea, posted by alesta on December 13, 2004, at 6:53:43
hi again alesta
i was put on lithium because i have been on so many anti-depressants without any good effects. we found one that didn't seem to have too many bad effects and then psych wanted to try "augmentation" with lithium. it did actually seem to lift my mood for a little while. normally i feel like i have a 'flu, head full of cotton wool and pressure, body heavy and achey, mind dull and unable to concentrate or think. there's nothing physically causing this, i've had every test known to man. well i still got depressed but i could function a lot better and sometimes even felt neutral - no bad feelings. that stopped, i returned to my useless state. no idea why.
anxiety.........yes i worry a lot. not about the state of the world or nukes in korea. i can't handle not knowing what i am supposed to be doing, for instance, and since i just started a new job 2 months ago there is a lot of worry around that.
actually more despair than worry. i'm not well and i don't get things done at home, haven't sent christmas cards, don't cook or clean or anything and i despair a lot. i dread things too. dread going to work the next day, dread christmas parties with work people and family and all that crap.
i was supposed to work today. i didn't go. i barely remember telling bf at 6am that i wasn't going, he must have called them. i'm losing the plot big time.
CC
Posted by ceesea on December 13, 2004, at 21:09:45
In reply to Re: over everything » ceesea, posted by Toph on December 13, 2004, at 14:58:25
toph
nw and thanks for the reply now.lamictal is not available on the PBS for use with depression yet, only with epilepsy. for me that means i could be prescribed it and buy it but i would have to pay full price which i can't afford. my dr keeps an eye on it.
the last time i did something that made me feel good (not about myself, just good) was in 2003 when i went snorkelling for the first time. i was terrified to try it, i have asthma and was not convinced i could breathe through the snorkel, but i worked it out and it was amazing - Bali Hai in the Whitsunday Islands. Went back there this yr but my mother and stepfather came and drove us nuts so it wasn't as good.
the last extended period of being neutral/ok (although i had a raging eating disorder so i dunno how ok i was) was for 3 months in 1999, living with a host family in Germany. that had everything to do with the people surrounding me and how i was treated...wasn't diagnosed nutty back then and didn't know the feelings weren't normal.
are those the sorts of things you mean? i am never good enough for myself - no matter what i do it is not perfect therefore it is not good enough. i do try to talk myself out of that but with limited success so far. I understand CBT but i'm told that with my mood so low i don't have much chance implementing it anyway - have to feel a bit better before i can change my outlook/beliefs.
it'd be nice!
thanks again
CC
Posted by Toph on December 13, 2004, at 23:11:36
In reply to Re: over everything, posted by ceesea on December 13, 2004, at 21:09:45
CC,
I'm no shrink and I'm not even smart. But I've been depressed so that makes you and I experts on the subject. I asked you when you were last satisfied with something to see if your fighting for life side could overpower your I want to quit cause its too painful side. I'm grasping at straws because we know which side is winning in you right now. You need to feed and exercize that other side. I last snorkeled in Puerta Villarta with my wife and my daughter. It was really special that my step-daughter went with me. Like you, she has asthma but doesn't like to miss an opportunity to prove to me that she's as brave as I am (I already know that she's smarter and nicer than I). Anyway the fish were cool and we had a good time together. I hope you get the chance to snorkel or travel or travel and snorkel or do something fun and interesting again soon. Even if that nasty side won't go away entirely its good to kick the sh!t out of it periodically with things that cut through its resolve like a knife.
-Toph
Posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 3:51:59
In reply to Re: over everything » alesta, posted by ceesea on December 13, 2004, at 20:52:04
hi CC:),
those flu-like symptoms are typical with lithium. (my theory is that it affects hormone levels, as unbalanced hormones are linked to allergies.)ok, on to the med suggestion (hope you haven't tried it yet):
my suggestion to you would be an MAOI, preferably Parnate, as it's much better tolerated than nardil typically. it works *great* for OCD (much better than SSRIs, contrary to popular belief). MAOIs are also *great* for depression, and help with bulimia, and anxiety disorders as well. it may not be sufficient on its own to help with anxiety, however. i'd try it as monotherapy first to see how it goes. you can always add later.if you do need to add something for anxiety (which you probably won't), i would try low-dose klonopin. this is a great anti-anxiety med, and is ideal for generalized anxiety disorder. but remember, more is not always better with benzos. (eg .5 mg is a good dose for many.) i'd start really slowly.
btw, a note for the future. you will not necessarily have to stay on a med/s forever. just something to keep in mind. if you do get to a point where you don't need them, you don't want to keep taking them out of habit.
i hope you are able to try these. and i hope your doc isn't MAOI-phobic. if he is, maybe you could find one who isn't. the diet restrictions are way overhyped. there is a new very short list of foods to avoid. all you would probably miss is cheese (you can still eat certain types of cheese, and you can have, for instance, domino's pizza i think (fake cheese i have read). :) my point is i don't think the cheese restriction would be a big deal.
additional info that may or may not be helpful:
my own depression is due to a very bad situation, not due to a chemical imbalance at this time (and i have no access to meds). but i think you could use a little help from the biochemical end right now. (i just didn't want you to wonder why a person who's depressed themselves thinks they can help your depression.:))anyway, it would also be good to correct any bad circumstances in your life, if you have any, while on meds eg bad relationships and possibly get an outlet to socialize if you don't already have one. but these things, if you need them, may evolve naturally when you feel better.
*if you've tried an maoi, let me know, and we'll come up with something else.
amy :)
Posted by ceesea on December 15, 2004, at 7:25:51
In reply to Re: over everything » ceesea, posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 3:51:59
had a horrible day today. went to my psych and bf came with me cos he is concerned psych was not taking me seriously enough.
by the end of the appointment my meds had changed again, so i'll still be on lithium (my level is 1.1), oroxine, and now add epilim and stilnox to that, removing edronax and serapax. I'd never heard of treating depression with 2 mood stabilisers before but i guess it is kind of last resort territory. he really wants to try lamictal but to do so first we have to find out if dad's health insurance would cover the cost, and then he'd have to write the script to dad so we could claim it.
psych will see me over the christmas break even though the clinic is closed, he'll do it at the hospital attached.
i then went to work and worked for about 2 hours, until suddenly i got violently ill. i was sent home by a nurse who does admin, the rosters, she heard me in the bathroom, waited outside and said i was just too sick to be there and told my supervisor etc that i was going. i was crying when she told me this, i try so hard to come to work (battling the general depression side of things) and then suddenly i'm throwing up and can't stop even though i haven't eaten much. i wasn't even nauseated before it just hit me suddenly.
btw i NEVER cry in front of people.
then i couldn't get on to bf to have him pick me up, there is no way home from work without a car but his receptionist wouldn't get him out of his meeting. it took me 10 minutes to get on to my mother and i sat outside the hospital crying until she got there. bf came and got me when he found out what happenned and took me home, really angry at the receptionist.the only good thing is that i've been terribly worried they'll sack me at work - i've only been there two and a half months and have been sick a lot. but my mother (who works there also) was approached by our boss when she started work this afternoon to say that i shouldn't worry about it and i can take all the time i need. work knows generally that i have mental health problems. they are very understanding and supportive (you'd expect it from a hospital but it doesn't always follow).
i plan to go to my GP tomorrow and ask to have my gall bladder checked, maybe another gastroscopy done, an ECG and anything else that might have any influence on my stomach, cos i have had too many probs with nausea lately.
i'm so tired, exhasuted by trying and not getting anywhere. scared of changing meds (again) and scared nothing will help. frightened i will get sent for ECT again to keep me alive.
i don't know what to expect from the days anymore.
CC
Posted by ceesea on December 15, 2004, at 7:30:20
In reply to Re: over everything » ceesea, posted by Toph on December 13, 2004, at 23:11:36
thankyou toph, that is an approach i guess i am too far down to see myself.
we went back to the whitsundays this yr and it was very nice. there is nowhere to do that sort of stuff down here though, the reef doesn't start until about bundaburg. at new years i have 5 days off work and bf also has taken a week off, so we are planning to go to a friends party on the 31st and then on the 1st to go to the sunshine coast, where i have been holidaying all my life. it's not snorkelling but it is surf and body surfing, and some time for us which we never get with our schedules being totally opposite. nothing big but it is a start i suppose.
thanks
CC
Posted by ceesea on December 15, 2004, at 7:50:38
In reply to Re: over everything » ceesea, posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 3:51:59
hi alesta
my psych was trying to talk me into taking parnate again today. i have a friend in boston who is on it and she has told me her experience with the food and what happens if you cheat. the thing is my diet revolves around cheese - italian, mexican and asian (ok the problem there is soy sauce). while i guess i could try to give it up if i were determined, i think it's too dangerous to put me on something that would make it so much easier to die. it's a big step between jumping off a tall structure, or just drinking a lot of red wine because i don't care enough to want to keep myself alive. does that make any sense? I'm too weak to make such a huge change to my life. my psych sees this logic and is trying other meds now, epilim and maybe later lamictal if we can get around the cost.
the lithium certainly causes hormonal problems, i have to take oroxine now because it made me hypothyroid. if it does that i would bet it affects other hormones too, right?
i'm in a long term relationship which has it's deamons. we are both aware of those and there is stuff we have to work on, but mostly it is ok, on a general level at least. you're right though sorting it out whilst on meds and stable is the best thing to do, i've just never gotten to "stable" before.
i got a job recently which has it's problems, but they are outweighed by the good environment to work in, the security i have and *mostly* the people i work with. the problems are not big enough to warrent changing jobs again.
apart from that bad situations are all in the past, and i try to work on them with my psychologist but it's a long haul.
i don't have a social life at the moment, i keep meaning to join groups/clubs or get back in touch with friends but it doesn't happen. maybe if my mood lifts.
btw i don't find it strange in any way that you suggest things for me, that is why i am here. i know myself often i can help others when i can't help myself. i'm an expert on teaching CBT, but i've never been well enough to benefit from it myself. i really appreciate your help.
i do need biochemical help. the causes of my depression are both biological and endogenous, that's what you get when your parents and entire family are mad and then you get brought up in the middle of it. some bad stuff happenned over the years as well, and i know that my thoughts and core beliefs and stuff are warped. but i also know that it's not just going to go away if i fix those things. i've been depressed since i can remember - my first memory is a depressed one and i was only 18 months old. i didn't get treated until i was suicidal for the first time at 19.
somewhere i read that 85% of cases of depression can be successfully treated. after 4 yrs of it all meds therapy ect and so on i start to think i am one of the 15% though. you know?
sorry this is so down
thanks
CC
Posted by alesta on December 15, 2004, at 12:46:48
In reply to Re: over everything » alesta, posted by ceesea on December 15, 2004, at 7:50:38
hey cc,:)
yes, you may well be treatment resistant..i'm really sorry you're having such a bad time of it. i totally understand about the parnate. it sounds like your doctor is a good one, and i'm glad he was open to suggesting maois. please don't worry about being negative, sweetie, okay? it's productive because it is in the interest of finding you a solution...even depressed, you come across as a very articulate, intelligent person.:)
sounds like this has been quite a battle. i really hope you do keep trying new meds! or if you ever want to hear some suggestions for natural alternatives, *please* let me know. feel free to babblemail me. i'm rooting for you! hang in there!
take good care,:)
amy
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