Posted by ceesea on December 11, 2004, at 5:46:37
i just can't do this anymore
my life does not mean enough for me to preserve the "good" things in the hope that i get better
i have no hope of getting better
i want to find a cave somewhere and just stop. wait. eventually it will all go away. i don't want to be rescued but if i don't do anything then they can't rescue me from it.
i went to work yesterday but it didn't make things better. felt like passing out so sat down for a minute, next thing i know co-worker is telling supervisor who is telling the CNs that i am sick and everyone spends the whole day asking if i am ok. what do you say? No, I am not ok. I get nausea/dizzy spells 5-10 times a day, but there it nothing phyisically wrong with me. i shake and have terrible acne and sweating all side effects from meds that don't work anyway. I take 11 pills a day and i hate myself, have a great life and am unable to enjoy it. i want to die and am planning ways to do it. but thanks for asking.
i look vacant. i feel vacant. i dread each and every day. i spent most of the day before yesterday asleep on the loungeroom floor.
my psych today wants me to consider that i have "intrinsic anxiety", ie not an anxiety disorder but anxiety that is part of my personality. wouldn't be treatable with meds. could that be causing past suicide attempts rather than depression? we go over my little stint of panic attacks at 15, what cured them, and come out with nothing.
I DON'T CARE what's causing it.
just make it stop already.
i told him my plans for passive suicide. he said take a blood test and see you next week.
i am over being a problem for my fiance. i don't do anything so he does it. i don't want him to do things for me. just do his own thing. i don't want to be a burden or problem anymore, it's gone on too long already.
might just retire to one of the rooms under the house, with all the spiders and dust. lots of old mattresses down there. probably bats. i like bats. would rather spend time with them than with people.
yours in flat desperation