![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 28. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 15:00:17
Just wanted to let people know that responded: My friend seems to have accepted my aplogy. We aren't saying much about it, which is fine. She even said my ex could still bring anything over for me that I want him to. She and her boyfriend were going to help move me in two weeks (not at any reduced rate though, but they do need the money--but so do I!) but I'm not sure now if I should do it. I have pictures of my ex riding in one day and this woman telling him every detail of my life, including how miserable I am without him. She just doesn't get it on some level; it seems most people don't except for the people here. Maybe it's only my family and the people like them that are in denial, and make excuses for my ex--even when he isn't! How will it be in a year when he's married a 20 year old ---they'll just tell me it's a phase and any moment he'll be back on my doorstep because deep down he really loves me? Well that's another story. Anyway, we are speaking again.
As for the therapist, we had a session yesterday and I think it was difficult for both of us. I think I put her on the defensive and I said so, which made her more defensive. I said I didn't mean it to be judgemental, just that the content of what I was saying would make anyone defensive, and that seemed to be releiving to her.
She said she mis-gauged how strong I was feeling. She thought she was helping my case by describing a scenario I would want to be no part of, but it obviously backfired. She apologized again. I asked her how she could possibly have said something like that knowing me and my issues--that's where the tension is, and I'm still not sure it's resolved. She said she loves me and somewhere I must know that. That there is no "subrosa" dynamic going on that would make her want to sabatoge me.
But how can you ever be sure? How can you trust your therapist to have a handle on all of their issues to trust that they don't bleed over into yours? Can anyone be that objective? This is what feels dangerous to me--because I just have to accept what she says or go off on some equally dangerous projection of my own. I mean blindly trusting her doesn't feel right, but neither does believing she had malicious intent. She said that comes from my family, where there really was all kinds of insidious sabotoge going on all the time.
I asked her what to do now. She said at the beginning that I "had to put it down." I said that was all fine, but I needed some information before I could do it. She seemed to be kind of stern in her response--saying we could still talk about it, but my dwelling on it could become self abusive and that was where the line was drawn. I'm not sure whose line; I did ask her--is that your line meaning I'm not supposed to bring it up, or a line for me to gauge where I'm going off into a dangerous place? Again, hard to know if she just doesn't want to be reminded of her mistake and can then just tell me I'm being self abusive. I don't have any answers.
She has been very helpful to me up until this point. She's been available by phone and talked to me a lot when she's not being paid for it. She has helped me in many ways.
Unfortunately I am still thrown by her comment. I can only hope that I am not destined to feel this way forever, and that time will bring me some relief. Last night I had to talk to the ex for a moment; he started dropping more hints that soon I'll be seeing him on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, replete with miraculously slender and healthy body. And I am just made for the part of sucker. After he told me he had to tighten his belt another 3 holes I finally said, "Ok, gotta go now." And that was it.
That's his romantic entreaty to me.
So somehow now I have to stop torturing myself. I haven't gotten that far. I can only hope that if there is a God, he can't mean for me to be this miserable forever. Unless I've done something so horrible that I deserve it, in which case I guess no anti-depressant med will ever work, and I don't know what else to say.
That's my rant and thanks for letting me have it. The support of people here is a bright spot in this dismal scenario-- next act please!
Posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 15:12:53
In reply to Therapist/ Friend update, posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 15:00:17
You have my support.. but I am almost gone for the day. I will get back to you tomorrow morning...
Good luck with everything. You are a strong person and can make it through this without him!
Posted by gabbix2 on July 15, 2003, at 16:24:51
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update, posted by giget on July 15, 2003, at 15:12:53
methinks.. You can't ever completely trust someone to not have their issues bleed into yours, but you do at some point have to make a decision to, otherwise you'd be completely alone.
I don't think you can ever completely trust anyone reallyI think the best way to make that decision is by gauging their past behaviour. Her rationale sounded pretty reasonable to me, and she has been helpful in the past. In my opinion of course, I'd give her this one.
As for your ex... umm he's starting to sound downright scary. Really delusional almost. He sounds like my ex when he started doing Crack.
I'm not trying to be funny he really does.
Definitely not someone I'd find enviable, from what you've described, in all honesty he sounds pathetic.
Posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:34:00
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update, posted by gabbix2 on July 15, 2003, at 16:24:51
The ex sounds like he is trying to make you regret your decision--ie, it sounds to me like a manipulative ploy!
I don't know the original issue with the therapist, so I can't comment on that part of your post.
But what did strike me is that you sounded like the therapist and your therapist, the patient, in parts of your story! IE, having to reassure her that anyone would be defensive, etc. Are you having to do too much care taking of your therapist? What happened?
Posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 18:51:01
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update--Kara, posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:34:00
Hi noa,
Nice to hear from you. I rambled on all about it on some thread above, but I'll try to be brief. Basically I went in there feeling a little stronger about the ex a few days ago and she made a comment that triggered me right back into horrible insecurity. My ex deals in extremes in his work in all areas, so her comment was not completely off the wall. I also have to say again she is not a psychologist, but she has counseled many of them.Nonetheless, she proceeded to tell me that my ex would probably be having parties at the house that I would have been moving into with him this week, where people would be having sex and he would be watching--and he would probably want me to watch too. Geez, that's hard to write.
Like I say, there's a little history here. The ex sent me a mass email announcing that he would be having "invitation only" affairs at this house. I was commenting here and to my therapist about how insensitive that was. But then I talked to him briefly and it was like natural aversion therapy--I realized for one glorious moment that he was not the man I wanted to be with.
So I went in to see her with my newfound strength and she proceeded to make that comment for reasons which I'll never really understand. And now I'm back at square one, imagining all the Bachanallian delights he'll be getting (partial) erections for instead of me.
Our sexual relationship was a source of great angst and he never made it a priority. I think I put up with more than the average woman might be willing to; I was pretty patient, got him connected to physicians and suggested we go to counseling to make it work. At the same time having to put aside how it feels as a woman when your man can't or won't make love to you. I tried to keep in mind that he's pretty severely diabetic, overweight, and has suffered a couple of head injuries to boot. He had almost no pituitary hormone present in one of his blood work ups. So there were physical reasons, but he still never cared to do what it took in the rest of the relationship so that we might better get through all of that.
And ultimately, that last night, he looked me straight in the eye and said maybe if I had dinner ready for him in the new place he might finally feel like making love to me. Because I had done such a lousy job of making a home. And because you know when a man cooks it uses up all his testosterone.
We had a kind of sickening, tacit agreement developing that if he bought me enough clothes and took me out to dinner enough, his not being home or relating to me emotionally or sexually was to be tolerated. Mind you it's not like he was any sugar daddy--I paid rent, although not as much as he. But he would have you believe he was cooking me four course meals every night and buying me Chanel suits every day. More like a J.Crew jacket now and again--granted I like J.Crew, but not as a boyfriend.
So I feel easily threatened in this area; when he told me I should have cooked more for him (I guess I would have to keep it on the table until 5am when he got home most nights), and when my 'counselor' suggested this is the kind of party he will be throwing in his new home.
Sorry to ramble on once again, but I'm obviously nowhere near over this. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get it out--thanks noa.
Posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 18:55:37
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update--noa, posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 18:51:01
Posted by lostsailor on July 15, 2003, at 20:30:18
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update--noa, posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 18:51:01
Kara,
Gee this is getting like a really intriguing novel. I mentioned in a post to (gabbix, I believe) that you and Noa have such beautiful flowing “prose” even when written under the harshest circumstances.
Frankly, although this may be out of my bounds, you seem way too good for your ex. PLEASE don’t blow up on me for that because I know that you really love him but, in all honesty to your-self (meaning you need not respond), are you not self mutilating Kara for now other reason than you are used to feeling stepped on. You write of your parents, “him” and your friends that seem about as trustworthy as most of mine are—or they really are and we just don’t have enough faith enough in them.
As for your therapist, are you familiar with the concepts of “transference” and counter transference??? Freud postulated on them originally in therapeutic relationships but obviously also ‘bleed” into all relationships that are somewhat long-term and trusting. If you aren’t, just run a quick net search on them…it is “normal” but your therapist should at least be aware of the concept and I am sure she is, but may not recognize it happening…
So much for my help…lol
~tony
Posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 21:03:42
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update--noa, posted by lostsailor on July 15, 2003, at 20:30:18
I thought you had good friends! Or did I miss something?
You're so kind--why would I blow up on you for anything you said? I would love to see things as you suggest. That would mean I had something called "self-esteem". I've read about it somewhere...
I guess I really love my ex-- I thought I loved him, I sure invested a lot in him. It's hard to just walk away from that. But to stay involved as I am now (psychically) is indeed self mutilating. There is no love worthy of that.
Personally I see nothing wrong with a little rebound activity. I think a replacement would do me well right now. The problem is that huge gaping wound, where I want to keep going back to the one person who won't give me love to get it. Sigh.
((((aurora)))) ((((tony))))
My friend gave me some homegrown catnip the other night!
Posted by lostsailor on July 15, 2003, at 21:24:45
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update-sailor, posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 21:03:42
I am whimsical on the concepts of my "friends", and while one day I think they are great, the next I see they may be but not to me.. I guess they are great but more to each other than me since I became “different”, who has not lived up to their expectations. Remember post re: who I was vs. who I am now???
I am a recluse and becoming a bit demanding in what I want out of friends ---trust, understanding!?!?!?! I have been told that is common amongst friends but don't really see it with mine. I mean, thanks to one, know how long I have been seeing a shrink and the more I "look into"--i.e., sorta, spy---the more I have seen that I want new friends--if there are any that are really trustworthy. Even your example, do you really "know" what she has told him or will. Maybe I am being paranoid, but I here paranoia never got anyone in trouble for trusting too much:)
I mean, I am pretty easy to get along with but am sick of backstabbing and all the other things I “see” happen. I stay “in touch” with most vicariously so I know what is going on in their lives. I mean I always want to be ‘here for them” if needed, but no-longer expect the same from them and haven’t for a while. Now I am just seeing that it is not just in my mind….i wonder if I have a letter I wrote to the ONE friend I really trust with every aspect of my life. I is really an ode to all friendships…he really deserves it even though I push him away constantly, he knows that I don’t mean to.
~tony
Posted by gabbix2 on July 15, 2003, at 21:41:09
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update-kara, posted by lostsailor on July 15, 2003, at 21:24:45
"I hear paranoaia never got anyone into trouble for trusting too much" brilliant Tony..
Thank you
Posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 2:09:20
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update-kara » lostsailor, posted by gabbix2 on July 15, 2003, at 21:41:09
How could he not care? How can he just forget about me? How could he not want me back? How long was he with me hating me? I can't sleep, I can't do anything, I can't think of anything else but him.
I'm shattered to know he didn't love me. That his "aesthetic" meant more to him than me.
I read his horoscope. Bad idea. It says, "Friendship, attraction and home decoration. It might sound trivial, but while (blah blah blah) --aesthetics and ideals willl matter more than you think they would. Because artistic, affable Venus favors Mars, chances are you'll fall in love with something, someone or a bunch of talented someones. Connecting to a group...is an experience worth looking forward to this week. You could also find yourself suddenly smitten by a new addition to the neighborhood."
He just moved into a new neighborhood. He said that by being with me he had to deny his "aesthetic" (violent, "brilliant" art), and he could no longer do that.
I know I'm being stupid now, reading the horoscope and all, but it's late and I'm most vulnerable now and in the early morning.
I can't stand it here and I can't move out until the 1st. This will be a long two weeks.
How could an aesthtic be more important than I am? He even gets validation in the newspaper. He gets articles written about him in the newspaper.
And I sit at home sucking royally.
Posted by gabbix2 on July 16, 2003, at 3:22:16
In reply to How could he do this?, posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 2:09:20
God Kara the guy would shred your soul for the nickel stuck to the bottom of your shoe. I don't know anywhere where any of this says anything about you. It sounds like an intrinsic part of his personality.
So the newspapers write about him??? I've dated lots of guys the newspapers write about. One of them was 35 years old and a very talented painter and he slept with a 13 year old while he was with me. THIRTEEN! A KId. You know what he said to me "You have to Forgive me I'm an AHTIST!"
NO I think not.
You're asking how could he do this to you? He's not doing this to YOU, you happened to get in the way of his life.
Anyone would have. Its like walking in front of a bulldozer and then wondering
how it could just squash you like that. Or falling in love with a priest and wondering whats so wrong with you that he won't marry you.It doesn't stop the hurt I know, but you've got to stop blaming yourself.
Posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 3:43:38
In reply to Oh for creeps sake.. » kara lynne, posted by gabbix2 on July 16, 2003, at 3:22:16
Big, impressive articles with big, impressive pictures.
He's an Alpha Male. I loved my Alpha Male.
Once he said he loved me too, that he'd waited for me since I was 19. If only I had the knowdlege she did now, I'd never have let this happen.
Posted by gabbix2 on July 16, 2003, at 7:46:27
In reply to Newspapers write about him., posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 3:43:38
I do know how it feels, M, did shows with Andy Warhol in Toronto and then went into documentary filmaking where he was well recieved (still is) I had to see it, on T.v in full page spreads, and in European magazines.
I thought it would kill me. But I still think being a good person is more difficult than getting "impressive" newspaper articles. Its something I have really come to value it seems the longer I live the more I value it.Someone who could make you feel like a thing to be discarded and call you the things you did, to me, is not "impressive" no matter what the newspapers say. Its like the King Midas story.
This isn't something that will minimize YOUR hurt I know, its the way I feel though, I think it makes him really small.
I wish you could see how much more valuable you are than all the 'stuff' he's going after, no matter how many people are impressed by it.
Posted by fallsfall on July 16, 2003, at 10:11:55
In reply to How could he do this?, posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 2:09:20
Kara,
How COULD he think those things are more important than you are? The only way it makes sense to me is if he is an idiot. Do you really want to be with an idiot who can't tell the difference between material things and love?
I think you can do better than him. I know you can do better than him.
See him for what he is and your heart will stop breaking.
(((((Kara Lynne)))))
Posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 12:43:21
In reply to Re: How could he do this? » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on July 16, 2003, at 10:11:55
I'm trying to see him for what he is. I started writing last night-- what it was really like being together. But then I drift, deny... Was it really so bad? Some people say it never should get to the point it did, others seem to think nothing of it. My friend (sick as she is) says it doesn't bother her when her boyfriend tells her she's old and won't find anybody else because she's too "shriveled"--because she feels good about herself (!). She's in her early 50's and looks about 35 and makes a lot more money than he does. But she stays with him and puts up with this--going on 10 years.
My ex is right: I'm not doing a damn thing with my life. If I can possibly get it together to make a resume maybe I can start. I just feel so depressed I don't want to anything ever again. I know that's dangerous, I know I'll feel better if I have a life. He does. I've never really had a life--I guess it was bound to show after awhile.
So I feel like he saw the real, raw me and it was repulsive to him. And it really was. I am not desirable as a needy 40 something woman with no life--what a surprise. But I thought he loved me, I thought I could flourish with love, feel supported and start a life. I guess that's not supposed to be a pre-requisite for a life--someone else's love.
He came to me once, after this last attempt of his to get off drugs. He did get off drugs, and in the initial stages I guess he felt something. He called all the time and apologized and said he really wanted for things to work. So he knows what to do. He knows what to say. He just clearly doesn't want me anymore.
I picture him thinking of how free he is now--he doesn't have to be quiet at night when I'm sleeping. He can hang all his morbid art. He can have all his friends over. He can go anywhere he wants, anytime he wants. He doesn't have to call me. He doesn't have to make love to me.
I'm on the internet at 2am looking for on-line support groups for a broken heart. I'm sick to my stomach. I want to die. I really want to die. I am trying to think of reasons why I don't want to die and I can't come up with any.
Posted by lostsailor on July 16, 2003, at 13:00:49
In reply to Re: How could he do this?, posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 12:43:21
1. You are kind hearted
2. You may not see it but you ARE coping twith this.
3. You are beating your-self up
4. You are not alone in doing that
5. We don't know him but like you better
6. You are good to cats (from both me and Aurora)
7. You make for a better babble
8. You could and maybe should be a writer--you have a gift
9. You have not just given up.
10. You are you
Posted by Penny on July 16, 2003, at 13:32:50
In reply to Re: How could he do this?, posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 12:43:21
I'm so sorry about the pain you're going through. I know it's hard to hang in there, but please do try.
P
Posted by ROO on July 16, 2003, at 14:08:01
In reply to why you should not die, kara, posted by lostsailor on July 16, 2003, at 13:00:49
So I feel like he saw the real, raw me and it was
repulsive to him. And it really was. I am not
desirable as a needy 40 something woman with no
life--what a surprise.If someone came on this board and read about everyone's
problems and issues--that rawness you speak of--and was
repulsed...(what a word...repulsed...it's a strong visceral
reaction)...would you think that person maybe had their own
issues? As trite as it sounds...what repulses us in others
is what we are denying in ourselves and can't stand. I have
been lurking on your thread about this man and that's the
sense I get from him. A friend once told me we are all mirrors for
each other--in the good and bad sense. If we see something "bad"
in someone...it's really our own badness we see. The nice part of
this analogy is, though, when we see "good" things in other people, or
things we admire...we are also seeing our own good, reflected in their
eyes. It sounds as if he is projecting all of his own "badness" (I don't
really believe in good or bad...I just use these words for the sake of
conversation) onto you, and that in some ways, you project all of your own
"goodness" onto him.
But I thought he loved me,
I thought I could flourish with love,feel
supported and start a life.
Well perhaps you could have...if you were with somebody who
was actually loving. I know, I know, he has his good points (we all
do), but ultimately and generally speaking, he did not treat you in
a warm and loving way. In fact, he treated you in an emotionally abusive
way. Were you flourishing in relationship with him? Did he make you
feel good about yourself? Did he encourage and support you?
Or was he saying things that undermined your belief in yourself...wasn't he,
in fact, spirit crushing?I picture him thinking of how free he is now--
he doesn't have to be quiet at night when
I'm sleeping. He can hang all
his morbid art. He can have all his friends
over. He can go anywhere he wants, anytime he
wants. He doesn't have to call me. He doesn't
have to make love to me.
Again...you're projecting your own blessings onto him.
How free you are now! Make a list of all the things
_you_ are free of now. You don't have to make love to him!
Didn't you say he was impotent (doesn't sound like a real
alpha male to me)...This is such a blessing...this
being free of this man who is not loving. And hey...it's
probably not time for it yet...but when one door closes, another
one opens, and now you will be available when a loving man
_does_ come your way. And a lusty man who is excited and
enthusiastic about sex! Yay!
I'm sick to my stomach. I want to die.
I really want to die. I am trying to think of
reasons why I don't want to die and I can't
come up with any.
Because good things are coming your way. It's just
the natural swing of things....peaks and valleys...
You've got this exellent (albeit unwanted) time to get to
know yourself, unhindered by someone who was unloving and
unsupportive....to find out what brings you true joy.And the last poster was right...you _are_ a good writer.
You write about your feelings with such clarity.Can I recommend a book? It's kind of zen oriented, but
very simply written....it's comforted me through MANY dark
times...I reread it often, like my bible...it's called
"There's Nothing Wrong With You: Moving Beyond Self-Hate" by Cheri Huber...and
it's really good for people like us who tend to beat themselves up.Maybe you can try and think of some mantra of whenever you can feel
yourself getting obsessed with this guy and your deluding yourself with
those beat yourself up type thoughts like "His life is so great and I just
suck" and get into these detailed fantasies of him and his life and what
he must be doing...some kind of mantra you can repeat that will pull
you out of focusing on him and get you focused on yourself and what YOU
want. One that has worked for me in that kind of circumstance has been
"He has his path, I have mine...I need to focus on mine right now, not his"...Well don't know what more to say. But I feel for you. Been there. I have a
hard time letting go of a past love, even if it was unhealthy. But man, am I
glad I got away from some of the unhealthy men I've been with....even though it
was hell at the time....I got past it and now I can see the situation for what it
was: not good for me, pure and simple. You will get there too.
Posted by gabbix2 on July 16, 2003, at 14:12:05
In reply to Re: Kara--the lurker speaks, posted by ROO on July 16, 2003, at 14:08:01
Wow Roo, you gave me goosebumps, that was absolutely brilliantly the truth.
Posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 18:16:27
In reply to Re: Kara--the lurker speaks, posted by ROO on July 16, 2003, at 14:08:01
ROO,
Thank you so much for your post. 20 minutes before I read it, I was asking my counselor if she could recommend any books for when I'm in this obsessive state; which seems to be permanent at the moment. I will get the one you suggested on my way home from work.I would *love* a mantra to say in those moments. Last night I was saying, "What is the highest good for me right now", every five minutes. Then I took out a weekly magazine to do the crossword (one of my only diversions) and came upon that bloody horoscope and off I went. Stupid I know, but just about anything will put me over the edge right now.
I do believe that my ex is massively projecting; I was telling someone today that when he got mad and called me a pig I think he was as good as staring at his own, truly obese mother. Unfortunately I'm getting stuck in his projection with my own self-doubt. I do agree that he was spirit crushing-- that coupled with my own raging insecurity has me scrambling to figure out how *many* different ways I can punish myself for what has happened. I never got to be the kind of woman I wanted to be around him; if only, if only, if only... I'm left with the sickening image he will carry with him about me for the rest of our lives. It's not comforting.
So like you say, the task at hand is to turn the focus back in--on a very tenuous sense of self. And to stop the 'positive projecting' about him as my counselor describes it (although she strangely contributed to it...), or more aptly to quit deluding myself, as you describe it.
Touche'--your typical Alpha Male wouldn't be impotent.
Well I've never been so grateful for a lurker, ROO. Your post couldn't have come at a better moment. You seem to understand quite well, and I welcome anything you have to say. (((ROO)))
Posted by kara lynne on July 17, 2003, at 1:19:35
In reply to To a very kind lurker..., posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 18:16:27
I just wanted to let you know I really did get the book. It looks like a great one for me to read right now. I'm going to take my exhausted self to bed (after an extremely agitating phone conversation with my brother), curl up and read it. Thanks again.
Posted by ROO on July 17, 2003, at 8:55:23
In reply to To a very kind lurker..., posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 18:16:27
> ROO,
> Thank you so much for your post.
20 minutes before I read it, I was
asking my counselor if she could recommend
any books for when I'm in this obsessive state;
which seems to be permanent at the moment.
I will get the one you suggested on my way
home from work.
Oh cool! How fortuitous (sp?) ! I so hope you like that
book...it really is my bible...it keeps me on track and I
read it over and over...a bunch of pages are dog-earred...
>
> I would *love* a mantra to say in those moments.
Last night I was saying, "What is the highest
good for me right now", every five minutes.
That's a good one...You might even modify it to
"I am living my highest good right now" to make it
manifest...sometimes I'll do that...I'll take what
I want and act like it's already manifest...I'll say
"I am loving, I am joyful, I am healing"....There's a
part of me that feels a little Stuart Smalley about it,
but it really helps...to just chant something...to counteract
those negative voices with something positive.
Stupid I know, but just about anything will put
me over the edge right now.
Oh, I do the same thing. I'll read my ex's horoscope and
get all wigged out. Torture myself. Not real helpful stuff.
>I never got to be the kind of woman I wanted to
be around him; if only, if only, if only...
I'm left with the sickening image he will carry
with him about me for the rest of our lives.
It's not comforting.
I can so relate to the way you're handling this.
It's so complex. There's wounded pride...and there's
the projection again...really it's you that's stuck
with the sickening image...and you just have to practice
having compassion for yourself...treating yourself lovingly
and gently through this. As time goes by, you really won't
care about whatever image he has in his head of you (really!)...
because again...it's what's in YOUR head that matters. Have
compassion for that woman who suffered...who tried her best...
(just as you would for one of us)...if he carries around "some
sickening image"...that's his problem and his issues (just like
the repulsion)...it doesn't "mean" anything about you.>
> Touche'--your typical Alpha Male wouldn't be
impotent.And I wasn't saying that to be mean...just trying to get
you to see things more honestly. I've been with impotent
men and it sucks! You can't help but take it personally after
awhile...but it's really their own deep rooted issues. And it's
another thing you can remind yourself of--how lucky you are to
be free of an unsatisfying sex life! That's a MAJOR bummer in
a relationship...and now it's over! I really hope the next guy
you're with is one horny bastard who can't get enough of you.
(Excuse me, I can be a bit bawdy).>
> Well I've never been so grateful for a
lurker, ROO. Your post couldn't have come at
a better moment. You seem to understand
quite well, and I welcome anything you have to
say. (((ROO)))
Well it helped me too, so I certainly glad it helped you.
I can definitely relate to all your issues and it helped
me to see someone describe them so succinctly and with
such detail...that thing of getting all caught up in the
other person carrying "this sickening picture for the rest
of our lives"....I didn't know anyone else got caught up in
that....I can get caught up in that fruitless loop quite
a bit...and it's so distorted!Anyway--thank YOU and glad I could help. I think that
book will help a whole lot...
Posted by ROO on July 17, 2003, at 8:56:04
In reply to ROO, posted by kara lynne on July 17, 2003, at 1:19:35
> I just wanted to let you know I really did
get the book. It looks like a great one for me
to read right now. I'm going to take my
exhausted self to bed (after an extremely
agitating phone conversation with my brother),
curl up and read it. Thanks again.
Yay! I'm so glad you got it! Let me know what you
think!
Posted by noa on July 17, 2003, at 18:59:09
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update--noa, posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 18:51:01
Kara, it does seem like a bizarre thing for your therapist to say! I can see how that would rattle you.
The way you describe the relationship--sounds like an *arrangement* more than a real relationship. I liked Gracie's advice up above--envisioning what marriage would be like with this guy. You definitely deserve more than that in a relationship!!
He sounds like a total jerk to me--trying to blame your not being Suzy Homemaker for his sexual problems--he sounds so darn manipulative and controlling.
Take one step at a time, but it sounds like not being with him is going to be better for your health.
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