Posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 15:00:17
Just wanted to let people know that responded: My friend seems to have accepted my aplogy. We aren't saying much about it, which is fine. She even said my ex could still bring anything over for me that I want him to. She and her boyfriend were going to help move me in two weeks (not at any reduced rate though, but they do need the money--but so do I!) but I'm not sure now if I should do it. I have pictures of my ex riding in one day and this woman telling him every detail of my life, including how miserable I am without him. She just doesn't get it on some level; it seems most people don't except for the people here. Maybe it's only my family and the people like them that are in denial, and make excuses for my ex--even when he isn't! How will it be in a year when he's married a 20 year old ---they'll just tell me it's a phase and any moment he'll be back on my doorstep because deep down he really loves me? Well that's another story. Anyway, we are speaking again.
As for the therapist, we had a session yesterday and I think it was difficult for both of us. I think I put her on the defensive and I said so, which made her more defensive. I said I didn't mean it to be judgemental, just that the content of what I was saying would make anyone defensive, and that seemed to be releiving to her.
She said she mis-gauged how strong I was feeling. She thought she was helping my case by describing a scenario I would want to be no part of, but it obviously backfired. She apologized again. I asked her how she could possibly have said something like that knowing me and my issues--that's where the tension is, and I'm still not sure it's resolved. She said she loves me and somewhere I must know that. That there is no "subrosa" dynamic going on that would make her want to sabatoge me.
But how can you ever be sure? How can you trust your therapist to have a handle on all of their issues to trust that they don't bleed over into yours? Can anyone be that objective? This is what feels dangerous to me--because I just have to accept what she says or go off on some equally dangerous projection of my own. I mean blindly trusting her doesn't feel right, but neither does believing she had malicious intent. She said that comes from my family, where there really was all kinds of insidious sabotoge going on all the time.
I asked her what to do now. She said at the beginning that I "had to put it down." I said that was all fine, but I needed some information before I could do it. She seemed to be kind of stern in her response--saying we could still talk about it, but my dwelling on it could become self abusive and that was where the line was drawn. I'm not sure whose line; I did ask her--is that your line meaning I'm not supposed to bring it up, or a line for me to gauge where I'm going off into a dangerous place? Again, hard to know if she just doesn't want to be reminded of her mistake and can then just tell me I'm being self abusive. I don't have any answers.
She has been very helpful to me up until this point. She's been available by phone and talked to me a lot when she's not being paid for it. She has helped me in many ways.
Unfortunately I am still thrown by her comment. I can only hope that I am not destined to feel this way forever, and that time will bring me some relief. Last night I had to talk to the ex for a moment; he started dropping more hints that soon I'll be seeing him on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, replete with miraculously slender and healthy body. And I am just made for the part of sucker. After he told me he had to tighten his belt another 3 holes I finally said, "Ok, gotta go now." And that was it.
That's his romantic entreaty to me.
So somehow now I have to stop torturing myself. I haven't gotten that far. I can only hope that if there is a God, he can't mean for me to be this miserable forever. Unless I've done something so horrible that I deserve it, in which case I guess no anti-depressant med will ever work, and I don't know what else to say.
That's my rant and thanks for letting me have it. The support of people here is a bright spot in this dismal scenario-- next act please!
poster:kara lynne
thread:242114
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/242114.html