Posted by ROO on July 16, 2003, at 14:08:01
In reply to why you should not die, kara, posted by lostsailor on July 16, 2003, at 13:00:49
So I feel like he saw the real, raw me and it was
repulsive to him. And it really was. I am not
desirable as a needy 40 something woman with no
life--what a surprise.If someone came on this board and read about everyone's
problems and issues--that rawness you speak of--and was
repulsed...(what a word...repulsed...it's a strong visceral
reaction)...would you think that person maybe had their own
issues? As trite as it sounds...what repulses us in others
is what we are denying in ourselves and can't stand. I have
been lurking on your thread about this man and that's the
sense I get from him. A friend once told me we are all mirrors for
each other--in the good and bad sense. If we see something "bad"
in someone...it's really our own badness we see. The nice part of
this analogy is, though, when we see "good" things in other people, or
things we admire...we are also seeing our own good, reflected in their
eyes. It sounds as if he is projecting all of his own "badness" (I don't
really believe in good or bad...I just use these words for the sake of
conversation) onto you, and that in some ways, you project all of your own
"goodness" onto him.
But I thought he loved me,
I thought I could flourish with love,feel
supported and start a life.
Well perhaps you could have...if you were with somebody who
was actually loving. I know, I know, he has his good points (we all
do), but ultimately and generally speaking, he did not treat you in
a warm and loving way. In fact, he treated you in an emotionally abusive
way. Were you flourishing in relationship with him? Did he make you
feel good about yourself? Did he encourage and support you?
Or was he saying things that undermined your belief in yourself...wasn't he,
in fact, spirit crushing?I picture him thinking of how free he is now--
he doesn't have to be quiet at night when
I'm sleeping. He can hang all
his morbid art. He can have all his friends
over. He can go anywhere he wants, anytime he
wants. He doesn't have to call me. He doesn't
have to make love to me.
Again...you're projecting your own blessings onto him.
How free you are now! Make a list of all the things
_you_ are free of now. You don't have to make love to him!
Didn't you say he was impotent (doesn't sound like a real
alpha male to me)...This is such a blessing...this
being free of this man who is not loving. And hey...it's
probably not time for it yet...but when one door closes, another
one opens, and now you will be available when a loving man
_does_ come your way. And a lusty man who is excited and
enthusiastic about sex! Yay!
I'm sick to my stomach. I want to die.
I really want to die. I am trying to think of
reasons why I don't want to die and I can't
come up with any.
Because good things are coming your way. It's just
the natural swing of things....peaks and valleys...
You've got this exellent (albeit unwanted) time to get to
know yourself, unhindered by someone who was unloving and
unsupportive....to find out what brings you true joy.And the last poster was right...you _are_ a good writer.
You write about your feelings with such clarity.Can I recommend a book? It's kind of zen oriented, but
very simply written....it's comforted me through MANY dark
times...I reread it often, like my bible...it's called
"There's Nothing Wrong With You: Moving Beyond Self-Hate" by Cheri Huber...and
it's really good for people like us who tend to beat themselves up.Maybe you can try and think of some mantra of whenever you can feel
yourself getting obsessed with this guy and your deluding yourself with
those beat yourself up type thoughts like "His life is so great and I just
suck" and get into these detailed fantasies of him and his life and what
he must be doing...some kind of mantra you can repeat that will pull
you out of focusing on him and get you focused on yourself and what YOU
want. One that has worked for me in that kind of circumstance has been
"He has his path, I have mine...I need to focus on mine right now, not his"...Well don't know what more to say. But I feel for you. Been there. I have a
hard time letting go of a past love, even if it was unhealthy. But man, am I
glad I got away from some of the unhealthy men I've been with....even though it
was hell at the time....I got past it and now I can see the situation for what it
was: not good for me, pure and simple. You will get there too.
poster:ROO
thread:242114
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/242564.html