Posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 12:43:21
In reply to Re: How could he do this? » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on July 16, 2003, at 10:11:55
I'm trying to see him for what he is. I started writing last night-- what it was really like being together. But then I drift, deny... Was it really so bad? Some people say it never should get to the point it did, others seem to think nothing of it. My friend (sick as she is) says it doesn't bother her when her boyfriend tells her she's old and won't find anybody else because she's too "shriveled"--because she feels good about herself (!). She's in her early 50's and looks about 35 and makes a lot more money than he does. But she stays with him and puts up with this--going on 10 years.
My ex is right: I'm not doing a damn thing with my life. If I can possibly get it together to make a resume maybe I can start. I just feel so depressed I don't want to anything ever again. I know that's dangerous, I know I'll feel better if I have a life. He does. I've never really had a life--I guess it was bound to show after awhile.
So I feel like he saw the real, raw me and it was repulsive to him. And it really was. I am not desirable as a needy 40 something woman with no life--what a surprise. But I thought he loved me, I thought I could flourish with love, feel supported and start a life. I guess that's not supposed to be a pre-requisite for a life--someone else's love.
He came to me once, after this last attempt of his to get off drugs. He did get off drugs, and in the initial stages I guess he felt something. He called all the time and apologized and said he really wanted for things to work. So he knows what to do. He knows what to say. He just clearly doesn't want me anymore.
I picture him thinking of how free he is now--he doesn't have to be quiet at night when I'm sleeping. He can hang all his morbid art. He can have all his friends over. He can go anywhere he wants, anytime he wants. He doesn't have to call me. He doesn't have to make love to me.
I'm on the internet at 2am looking for on-line support groups for a broken heart. I'm sick to my stomach. I want to die. I really want to die. I am trying to think of reasons why I don't want to die and I can't come up with any.
poster:kara lynne
thread:242114
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/242509.html