Posted by kara lynne on July 16, 2003, at 18:16:27
In reply to Re: Kara--the lurker speaks, posted by ROO on July 16, 2003, at 14:08:01
ROO,
Thank you so much for your post. 20 minutes before I read it, I was asking my counselor if she could recommend any books for when I'm in this obsessive state; which seems to be permanent at the moment. I will get the one you suggested on my way home from work.I would *love* a mantra to say in those moments. Last night I was saying, "What is the highest good for me right now", every five minutes. Then I took out a weekly magazine to do the crossword (one of my only diversions) and came upon that bloody horoscope and off I went. Stupid I know, but just about anything will put me over the edge right now.
I do believe that my ex is massively projecting; I was telling someone today that when he got mad and called me a pig I think he was as good as staring at his own, truly obese mother. Unfortunately I'm getting stuck in his projection with my own self-doubt. I do agree that he was spirit crushing-- that coupled with my own raging insecurity has me scrambling to figure out how *many* different ways I can punish myself for what has happened. I never got to be the kind of woman I wanted to be around him; if only, if only, if only... I'm left with the sickening image he will carry with him about me for the rest of our lives. It's not comforting.
So like you say, the task at hand is to turn the focus back in--on a very tenuous sense of self. And to stop the 'positive projecting' about him as my counselor describes it (although she strangely contributed to it...), or more aptly to quit deluding myself, as you describe it.
Touche'--your typical Alpha Male wouldn't be impotent.
Well I've never been so grateful for a lurker, ROO. Your post couldn't have come at a better moment. You seem to understand quite well, and I welcome anything you have to say. (((ROO)))
poster:kara lynne
thread:242114
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/242653.html