Posted by kara lynne on July 15, 2003, at 18:51:01
In reply to Re: Therapist/ Friend update--Kara, posted by noa on July 15, 2003, at 17:34:00
Hi noa,
Nice to hear from you. I rambled on all about it on some thread above, but I'll try to be brief. Basically I went in there feeling a little stronger about the ex a few days ago and she made a comment that triggered me right back into horrible insecurity. My ex deals in extremes in his work in all areas, so her comment was not completely off the wall. I also have to say again she is not a psychologist, but she has counseled many of them.Nonetheless, she proceeded to tell me that my ex would probably be having parties at the house that I would have been moving into with him this week, where people would be having sex and he would be watching--and he would probably want me to watch too. Geez, that's hard to write.
Like I say, there's a little history here. The ex sent me a mass email announcing that he would be having "invitation only" affairs at this house. I was commenting here and to my therapist about how insensitive that was. But then I talked to him briefly and it was like natural aversion therapy--I realized for one glorious moment that he was not the man I wanted to be with.
So I went in to see her with my newfound strength and she proceeded to make that comment for reasons which I'll never really understand. And now I'm back at square one, imagining all the Bachanallian delights he'll be getting (partial) erections for instead of me.
Our sexual relationship was a source of great angst and he never made it a priority. I think I put up with more than the average woman might be willing to; I was pretty patient, got him connected to physicians and suggested we go to counseling to make it work. At the same time having to put aside how it feels as a woman when your man can't or won't make love to you. I tried to keep in mind that he's pretty severely diabetic, overweight, and has suffered a couple of head injuries to boot. He had almost no pituitary hormone present in one of his blood work ups. So there were physical reasons, but he still never cared to do what it took in the rest of the relationship so that we might better get through all of that.
And ultimately, that last night, he looked me straight in the eye and said maybe if I had dinner ready for him in the new place he might finally feel like making love to me. Because I had done such a lousy job of making a home. And because you know when a man cooks it uses up all his testosterone.
We had a kind of sickening, tacit agreement developing that if he bought me enough clothes and took me out to dinner enough, his not being home or relating to me emotionally or sexually was to be tolerated. Mind you it's not like he was any sugar daddy--I paid rent, although not as much as he. But he would have you believe he was cooking me four course meals every night and buying me Chanel suits every day. More like a J.Crew jacket now and again--granted I like J.Crew, but not as a boyfriend.
So I feel easily threatened in this area; when he told me I should have cooked more for him (I guess I would have to keep it on the table until 5am when he got home most nights), and when my 'counselor' suggested this is the kind of party he will be throwing in his new home.
Sorry to ramble on once again, but I'm obviously nowhere near over this. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get it out--thanks noa.
poster:kara lynne
thread:242114
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/242225.html