![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 6 to 30 of 34. Go back in thread:
Posted by justyourlaugh on June 24, 2004, at 22:24:47
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Dinah, posted by Angel Girl on June 24, 2004, at 21:26:02
when i was 8 years old i wrote a poem
"stop the world i want to get off"...
your post was so touching.
i can understand your pain..
dont put all your eggs into the "friend " basket..
you are not defined by hurt..
please understand your worth..
everything you feel is real.
everything you want is deserved.
i care
jyl
Posted by Angel Girl on June 24, 2004, at 23:19:49
In reply to ag.., posted by justyourlaugh on June 24, 2004, at 22:24:47
> when i was 8 years old i wrote a poem
> "stop the world i want to get off"...
> your post was so touching.
> i can understand your pain..
> dont put all your eggs into the "friend " basket..
> you are not defined by hurt..
> please understand your worth..
> everything you feel is real.
> everything you want is deserved.
> i care
> jyljyl
You see, I can't even get the stupid saying right. I said 'ride', it should be 'world'.
What other baskets are there. Mine are all empty. I AM worthless. If I wasn't then why does everybody discard me like yesterday's garbage? If I was worth anything, then people would want to be around me but they don't. Even if they make the stupid mistake of initially thinking I'm worthy of being their friend, they soon realize how wrong they had been and toss me on the garbage pile.
You're right, everything I feel is real, I feel hurt, unworthy, unloved, unwanted, invisible, you name it, fill in your own words.
I don't deserve anything. If I did, then I would have it, I have nothing but heartache and pain and that's all that I'll ever have.
I'm just so tired of all of it. I don't want to be here anymore.
AG
Posted by gardenergirl on June 25, 2004, at 0:17:31
In reply to Re: ag.. » justyourlaugh, posted by Angel Girl on June 24, 2004, at 23:19:49
Posted by JohnDoenut on June 25, 2004, at 0:43:44
In reply to Crying and nobody cares anymore, posted by Angel Girl on June 24, 2004, at 20:58:47
Im so sorry you feel this way and this happens. I read what people respond and wow they say such wonderful and wise things that Im not sure what I can say that they did not. Clearly other people here have experienced similer things and have found ways to cope and live through it. Im so glad you have those cats to keep you going. I have two cats too!!! :)
I think all people, even those not fettered by mental illness, are not perfect, they are works in progress. Other people are consumed by their own issues and problems that I think often it makes it hard for them to accept or understand what other people are going through especially if they have no experience of it. The thing about people who have a lot of pain and hurtful life experiences, is that it makes them more empathic to others who go through the same or similer thing. Perhaps these are the sorts of people you should seek out in real life to find friendship and understanding. And like with all people sometimes it may work and sometimes it will not.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 1:19:06
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore, posted by JohnDoenut on June 25, 2004, at 0:43:44
> Im so sorry you feel this way and this happens. I read what people respond and wow they say such wonderful and wise things that Im not sure what I can say that they did not. Clearly other people here have experienced similer things and have found ways to cope and live through it. Im so glad you have those cats to keep you going. I have two cats too!!! :)
>
> I think all people, even those not fettered by mental illness, are not perfect, they are works in progress. Other people are consumed by their own issues and problems that I think often it makes it hard for them to accept or understand what other people are going through especially if they have no experience of it. The thing about people who have a lot of pain and hurtful life experiences, is that it makes them more empathic to others who go through the same or similer thing. Perhaps these are the sorts of people you should seek out in real life to find friendship and understanding. And like with all people sometimes it may work and sometimes it will not.
>
>
JoeI came to the realization quite some time ago that I could only manage relationships with others who suffered from some sort of mental illness because there is that bond and understanding of depth of feelings that the other is going through. I strongly feel that unless you have been through any of this hell, it is impossible to truly understand what it is like. Others can *think* they understand but they can't even come close.
I should preface this by saying I have *NO* IRL friends, only those on the net. When I came to the above realization, I decided to seek out places on the net where I could find people like me, hence my discovery of Dr Bob's boards. Finally I felt like I belonged somewhere because the *normal* world seems so foreign to me. Here I found people who suffer the same pain and heartache as I do. Maybe their circumstances are different but their feelings are the same.
I met a bunch of girls from these boards and we formed our own little e-mail support group outside of the boards and recently I discovered that I can't even maintain those relationships.
So, where does that leave me? I can't get along with *normal* people and I can't get along with the mentally ill *IF* I form closer friendships with them.
I'm forced to keep myself at arm's length from all people. I have no place in this world. Nobody tolerates my being BP and all that goes along with it for any length of time.
As I said, the *only* thing that keeps me going is the unconditional love that I receive from my two cats and I give to them in return. Without them, I would've left this world about 2 years ago. They need me and I need them.
Why can't the rest of the world give others unconditional love?
I guess I only belong in the cat world. They love me for who I am no matter what that is and no matter what mood I'm in.
Too bad people can't be as gracious as cats are.
AG
Posted by partlycloudy on June 25, 2004, at 6:53:51
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » JohnDoenut, posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 1:19:06
(((AG))) Your cats love and understand you, and we understand and love you. I'm the same boat with you on friendships. I have been completely unsuccessful at creating and maintaining any friendships IRL and I was finding it totally distressing. Many posts from me similar to your lament.
Do you see a theme here? What do think it would be like if us Babblers could actually meet face to face, give real hugs, drink real cups of tea, and paint our toenails? That would be my idea of heaven on earth. A whole buncha people who know where we're coming from, have been there themselves, and appreciate the journey and the suffering incurred along the way.
Perhaps friends IRL are overrated or we've seen too many episodes of Friends.
Take care, AngelGirl
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 25, 2004, at 9:21:59
In reply to Crying and nobody cares anymore, posted by Angel Girl on June 24, 2004, at 20:58:47
"Why can't I change things back to the way they were before I got sick? I HATE MYSELF AND I HATE MY LIFE, so how could I *ever* expect anybody else to feel differently!!!"
That absolutely broke my heart. I know the anger and the frustration you feel. Why did this happen to us? We;re not doing this for attention, we're not doing this because we LIKE it... I used to be "normal" once... I think we all were... none of us asked for this or want this... we're all on Babble, and meds, and in and out of T and pdoc offices because we DON'T want to be like this.
I can't offer words of comfort, but I can offer understanding.
We're better than this. All of us are.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 9:30:36
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 25, 2004, at 9:21:59
> "Why can't I change things back to the way they were before I got sick? I HATE MYSELF AND I HATE MY LIFE, so how could I *ever* expect anybody else to feel differently!!!"
>
> That absolutely broke my heart. I know the anger and the frustration you feel. Why did this happen to us? We;re not doing this for attention, we're not doing this because we LIKE it... I used to be "normal" once... I think we all were... none of us asked for this or want this... we're all on Babble, and meds, and in and out of T and pdoc offices because we DON'T want to be like this.
>
> I can't offer words of comfort, but I can offer understanding.
>
> We're better than this. All of us are.Scott
I feel like *damaged goods*. Nobody wants me. My *friend* just sent me another hurtful e-mail. I want my friendship with her to be back the way it used to be b4 I got sick. Instead, I think it's about to end and there's not a dang thing I can do to stop it.
MY LIFE SUCKS!!!
And yes, we are all on babble, in and out of T's and pdoc's offices and on meds. Do any of us EVER climb out of this HELL?
AG
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 25, 2004, at 9:39:07
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Scott in Vermont, posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 9:30:36
"And yes, we are all on babble, in and out of T's and pdoc's offices and on meds. Do any of us EVER climb out of this HELL?"
Yes. People do get better. Small consolation when you're going through it, but yes... people can get better. WE can get better. We can.
Posted by octopusprime on June 25, 2004, at 9:57:41
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Scott in Vermont, posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 9:30:36
angelgirl:
i'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling bad.
i'm saddened to read you describing yourself as worthless. NOBODY is worthless. YOU have worth. you are a valued member of babble, people care about you and how you feel. we want you to feel better, to climb out.
can you call your T or pdoc? it seems to me that a T could help you reframe your thinking a bit. you say you are undermedicated, and it is TERRIBLE and HARD to be undermedicated in a storm. but like a rain shower, it will pass dear, and the sun will come out again. it's hard to remember that when you're soaking wet and drenched.
are you getting ready for another med trial? the time for you to start is now. please call your treatment team.
and i know so many posters here have had their lives changed by one med or another (even if they had to try for years to find it) ... i hold out hope for you dear.
i hope you can find the good in yourself soon (like caring about animals, enjoying their warm fluffy glows...)
Posted by Emme on June 25, 2004, at 9:59:10
In reply to Crying and nobody cares anymore, posted by Angel Girl on June 24, 2004, at 20:58:47
Oh rats! I just wrote you a longish message and lost it! Well, the main points were: I'm so sorry you feel miserable; I too hate the changes depression causes in use and understand the feeling that you're not going to feel happy again; that you're not alone - depression makes us feel so isolated and I hope we make you feel a little less alone; is there any way we can help you figure out how to respond to your friend; I hope your SJS is improving and good luck finding new therapist.
Emme
Posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 13:38:28
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Angel Girl, posted by partlycloudy on June 25, 2004, at 6:53:51
> (((AG))) Your cats love and understand you, and we understand and love you. I'm the same boat with you on friendships. I have been completely unsuccessful at creating and maintaining any friendships IRL and I was finding it totally distressing. Many posts from me similar to your lament.
>
> Do you see a theme here? What do think it would be like if us Babblers could actually meet face to face, give real hugs, drink real cups of tea, and paint our toenails? That would be my idea of heaven on earth. A whole buncha people who know where we're coming from, have been there themselves, and appreciate the journey and the suffering incurred along the way.
>
> Perhaps friends IRL are overrated or we've seen too many episodes of Friends.
>
> Take care, AngelGirl
pcYou've misinterpretted my situation or maybe I didn't explain well enough or at all. This *friend* is not IRL. She's on the net. I have no friends IRL.
I would hope that things would be as you think they would if we all had the opportunity to meet IRL but it seems that whenever I get too close to someone, or they too close too me, whichever way you want to say it, that's when everything falls apart. I seem to only be able to manage *friendships* at a distance. I've even had the situation of having the same problems with those who also suffer from one form of mental illness or another. I can't seem to have a close relationship with anybody.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 13:41:50
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Angel Girl, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 25, 2004, at 9:39:07
> "And yes, we are all on babble, in and out of T's and pdoc's offices and on meds. Do any of us EVER climb out of this HELL?"
>
> Yes. People do get better. Small consolation when you're going through it, but yes... people can get better. WE can get better. We can.
>
ScottI'm glad that there is some hope for others, I really am. I don't wish this hell on anybody. It is no place for anybody to be.
Unfortunately, for me and many others here, I am BP, to which you know there is no cure. I will be BP the rest of my life and will have to fight it forever. I think I can get somewhat *better* but I'll never be free.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 14:01:36
In reply to climbing up » Angel Girl, posted by octopusprime on June 25, 2004, at 9:57:41
> angelgirl:
>
> i'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling bad.
>
> i'm saddened to read you describing yourself as worthless. NOBODY is worthless. YOU have worth. you are a valued member of babble, people care about you and how you feel. we want you to feel better, to climb out.
>
> can you call your T or pdoc? it seems to me that a T could help you reframe your thinking a bit. you say you are undermedicated, and it is TERRIBLE and HARD to be undermedicated in a storm. but like a rain shower, it will pass dear, and the sun will come out again. it's hard to remember that when you're soaking wet and drenched.
>
> are you getting ready for another med trial? the time for you to start is now. please call your treatment team.
>
> and i know so many posters here have had their lives changed by one med or another (even if they had to try for years to find it) ... i hold out hope for you dear.
>
> i hope you can find the good in yourself soon (like caring about animals, enjoying their warm fluffy glows...)
octopusprimeYes, I am undermedicated. I recently (2 wks ago) went cold turkey off of Lamictal because of SJS. I feel I'm *almost* at the end of my withdrawal, although I still have some rashes and itching. I saw my pdoc yesterday and she wants to add Topamax to my regimine but she wants me to wait until it's one month from when I last took Lamictal. That means, I have 2 more weeks before I will get a rx for Topamax. I'm on Depakote 500mg, which I absolutely HATE and want to come off of and Effexor XR 187.5mg/daily. When I was at my pdoc appt yesterday we took all my appt time discussing the ill-effects of the Lamictal was having on my system that I never thought to ask her about whether I could possibly increase my Effexor XR.
Right now I am between T's. I was looking for one but then I ran into the Lamictal problem and was in no shape to be pursuing anything, so it has been put on hold. I will start looking again on Monday. I don't live in the US, I'm in Canada and even though I am probably in the biggest city in Canada, it takes *months* to get an appt with somebody new. It is so discouraging. There are not enough resources here for the mentally ill unless you have $$$$, which I do not. I have to rely on what services the government will pay for and that severely limits my options. I do have group therapy though but have missed the last couple of weeks due to my withdrawal. So, yes, I'm going to start a new med trial but not for 2 weeks. It seems like an eternity but this is what my pdoc wants me to do. I'm extremely med sensitive so in the long run I have to agree with her. As much as I'm emotionally suffering right now, it would be too soon to add a new med to my system when I'm still dealing with the aftermatch of the Lamictal.
As far as me being worthless, I am. If I wasn't, then people wouldn't keep discarding me like yesterday's news. I have absolutely not one speck of self-esteem or self-love, in fact, I *hate* myself with a passion. Nobody wants nor needs me other than my 2 kitties. I live for them, they are what keeps me alive. I literally love them more than life itself.
Climb up? I can't even find the ladder. :(
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 14:15:13
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Angel Girl, posted by Emme on June 25, 2004, at 9:59:10
> Oh rats! I just wrote you a longish message and lost it! Well, the main points were: I'm so sorry you feel miserable; I too hate the changes depression causes in use and understand the feeling that you're not going to feel happy again; that you're not alone - depression makes us feel so isolated and I hope we make you feel a little less alone; is there any way we can help you figure out how to respond to your friend; I hope your SJS is improving and good luck finding new therapist.
>
> Emme
Hi EmmeI can't count how many times I have written a long post and forgot to confirm it so therefore I lost it. So discouraging.
Update on my *friend*. I e-mailed her again and I told her I wanted to get our friendship back the way it was in the very beginning and that I missed what we had. She replied saying that she wanted that too.
Part of me is very happy for that and the other part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop for the next time I screw up, which will be inevitable.
Sometimes, I think it is best to end my *friendship* with her but I just can't let go. I have a MAJOR problem of letting go of people. Abandonment is a HUGE problem for me. I can't handle people walking away and it has happened more times than I care to remember.
We once had a really wonderful friendship but I think it is at the point now where it is becoming toxic for me but I desperately want what it used to be. The only thing is, even though she said the same thing, I don't really thing it ever will be. Too much has happened.
Thanks for the good luck wishes in finding a new T. I will certainly need it. My last one was HORRIBLE. She belittled me at every turn. I couldn't take it any longer so I ended up leaving her. No therapy was better than toxic therapy that wasn't helping me anyway.
I'm just so tired of this merry-go-round of life.
I think I'll go get one of my furbabies and take a nap and cuddle him. He'll love it and so will I.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 14:17:34
In reply to Crying and nobody cares anymore, posted by Angel Girl on June 24, 2004, at 20:58:47
Posted by partlycloudy on June 25, 2004, at 14:24:38
In reply to Re: climbing up » octopusprime, posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 14:01:36
> As far as me being worthless, I am. If I wasn't, then people wouldn't keep discarding me like yesterday's news. I have absolutely not one speck of self-esteem or self-love, in fact, I *hate* myself with a passion. Nobody wants nor needs me other than my 2 kitties. I live for them, they are what keeps me alive. I literally love them more than life itself.
>
> Climb up? I can't even find the ladder. :(
>
> AGAG, here is the ladder, right here. I'll hold it for you.
You ARE worthy, you DO have friends, you ARE loved. You're operating at a subsistence level right now, below the radar if you know what I mean. You can't see yourself in a healthy way because your head's all messed up with the medication cessation. Please don't lose hope (if you can't find hope, here; I have it to spare today). You will feel better. You have given strength and support to so many people here; now it's time to take some of that for yourself.
I believe that the love of an animal can be the most healing of all, because they know and see the real person, through the tears, anger, hopelessness... they see right through all that to the Angel Girl beneath the pain.
I think I know the city of which you speak: it seems that the bigger it gets, the fewer souls there are to be in touch with.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 25, 2004, at 14:52:41
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Scott in Vermont, posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 13:41:50
True, we won't ever be "cured", but we CAN find ways of making it through this and living functional and predictable lives.
I gte angry at this a lot, as you do, and I have moments where I'm just so upset that I have this to deal with that I forget that yes, I have this to DEAL with, meaning I can find some way to deal with it.
Playing "musical meds" is never fun and it looks like I'm there again. My honeymoon with Lexapro lasted about 2 months. Now it's Lexapro and lithium. Who knows where it will be in a few weeks? I remain hopeful (here goes my blind optimism again) that someday I'll find that magical mix that lets me feel like and be Scott without the roller coaster ride that seems to define my life right now.
I wish I had words that would make you feel better, but I know there are none (having been offered kind and supportive words when I was in the middle of a situation... I appreciated them, but they didn't "fix" anything) and I know that the only thing that is going to "fix" you is finding what you need, both emotionally and chemically, that gives you some peace and balance in your life.
You have my best wishes, for what it is worth.
-Scott
Posted by Emme on June 25, 2004, at 15:30:07
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Emme, posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 14:15:13
Hi AG,
I'm kinda worried about how miserable you are and your being undermedicated. Does she know just how bad you feel? I assume your pdoc is making you wait on the topomax because it might worsen your SJS and she wants to give your immune system a chance to settle down? My point is that you’re in a bad way and I think if you have to wait so long to try the next anticonvulsant, you need to know if there’s anything else you can safely try *right now* that might help. Since you didn’t get to talking about Effexor in your appt, can you call and ask about it quickly? I just really hate to see you have your brain and emotions going so wonky on you.
It may not feel like it to you right now, but you are not worthless, you do deserve good things, you have strength, and you’re not alone. So hold on tight and keep putting one foot in front of the other and just try your best to withhold judgment on yourself until you have new meds, new therapist, and some of the firestorm in your head simmers down.
Enjoy your kitties. Wish I had some. Domesticated mammals are good creatures.
Emme
Posted by AuntieMel on June 25, 2004, at 15:53:29
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Emme, posted by Angel Girl on June 25, 2004, at 14:15:13
We care.
Cats are very, very smart critters, and wonderful judges of character. They have the capability of seeing through the illness and only seeing the wonderful person you are.
Let that give you strength for now. One day when the right combination of meds and therapy is found it will be easy for people to see that too.
I'm mostly away from computers over the weekends these days, but I'll check in to see how you are doing.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 26, 2004, at 15:28:35
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Angel Girl, posted by AuntieMel on June 25, 2004, at 15:53:29
I couldn't take the emotional pain anymore last night. I took a bunch of Xanax and Valium, not enough to harm me, I knew that but I had to do something.
I feel absolutely horrible today, I can't stay awake. But the worst part is I still can't forget about the horrible way my *friend* has spoken to me in the last month.
I want our friendship to be the way it used to be but I know that is just a fantasy.
I'm ok, I really am, just *really* tired with a *fuzzy* brain that can't think straight today. I just need to sleep it off more.
Don't worry, I won't be taking anymore pills.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 26, 2004, at 15:50:44
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Angel Girl, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 25, 2004, at 14:52:41
> True, we won't ever be "cured", but we CAN find ways of making it through this and living functional and predictable lives.
>
> I gte angry at this a lot, as you do, and I have moments where I'm just so upset that I have this to deal with that I forget that yes, I have this to DEAL with, meaning I can find some way to deal with it.
>
> Playing "musical meds" is never fun and it looks like I'm there again. My honeymoon with Lexapro lasted about 2 months. Now it's Lexapro and lithium. Who knows where it will be in a few weeks? I remain hopeful (here goes my blind optimism again) that someday I'll find that magical mix that lets me feel like and be Scott without the roller coaster ride that seems to define my life right now.
>
> I wish I had words that would make you feel better, but I know there are none (having been offered kind and supportive words when I was in the middle of a situation... I appreciated them, but they didn't "fix" anything) and I know that the only thing that is going to "fix" you is finding what you need, both emotionally and chemically, that gives you some peace and balance in your life.
>
> You have my best wishes, for what it is worth.
>
> -Scott
ScottAaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Blind optimism. I know what that is. That's what *I* had when starting Lamictal. I'd already tried Depakote and Lithium and for once when I started the Lithium, it was the ONLY med I'd ever tried with absolutely no side effects. I was so optimistic and that in itself is a miracle for me because I'm the most pessimissistic person you'll ever meet. But now that rug has been pulled out from under my feet. We're back to med roulette. Pick a side effect, any side effect. I'm so sick of it. Why can't somebody develop a drug without side effects? How hard can it be?
Or maybe I'm just unfixable. I mean, I don't think my basic personality is going to change throughout this whole process. No wonder years ago they used to lock us all up. This world is no place for me so might just as well institutionalize me so everybody can forget about my existance.
Or maybe, just maybe I'm expecting too much from life? Maybe we're not all meant to be happy, btw, what is happy anyway? I'm not sure I know.
Or maybe, this is what my life was meant to be, maybe this is God's will for me. Who am I to fight God's will. He must know what is best for me, right? He doesn't want his children to suffer, so maybe I'm just fighting the will of God and my alotment in life.
I just woke up, I had a dream that somebody was chasing me, I was trying soooo hard to find the police to help me. I found them but they didn't believe me. They thought I was making it up and started to ignore me. Then the person who was chasing me, finally found me and opened gunfire and that's it, I was gone. Have you ever died in your dreams? That's a first for me. I usually wake up just before it's going to happen but not this time, I was riddled with bullets like in a gangster movie you'd watch on TV. And the person who shot me was locked up in an institution for the mentally ill. hahaha.
Wonder what Freud would do with that one? I don't know how to interpret dreams.
Oh, I digressed. I'm horrible for doing that. So Scott, I wish you the best of luck with your trial of Lithium. I hope it goes much better for you than it did for me. I only lasted 2 weeks on it. But then again, we all react differently to each drug so this very well may be the one for you and I sincerely hope it is.
Dang, I want a cookie now and I already ate the last one. :(
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 26, 2004, at 16:01:38
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Scott in Vermont, posted by Angel Girl on June 26, 2004, at 15:50:44
> > True, we won't ever be "cured", but we CAN find ways of making it through this and living functional and predictable lives.
> >
> > I gte angry at this a lot, as you do, and I have moments where I'm just so upset that I have this to deal with that I forget that yes, I have this to DEAL with, meaning I can find some way to deal with it.
> >
> > Playing "musical meds" is never fun and it looks like I'm there again. My honeymoon with Lexapro lasted about 2 months. Now it's Lexapro and lithium. Who knows where it will be in a few weeks? I remain hopeful (here goes my blind optimism again) that someday I'll find that magical mix that lets me feel like and be Scott without the roller coaster ride that seems to define my life right now.
> >
> > I wish I had words that would make you feel better, but I know there are none (having been offered kind and supportive words when I was in the middle of a situation... I appreciated them, but they didn't "fix" anything) and I know that the only thing that is going to "fix" you is finding what you need, both emotionally and chemically, that gives you some peace and balance in your life.
> >
> > You have my best wishes, for what it is worth.
> >
> > -Scott
>
>
> Scott
>
> Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Blind optimism. I know what that is. That's what *I* had when starting Lamictal. I'd already tried Depakote and Lithium and for once when I started the Lithium, it was the ONLY med I'd ever tried with absolutely no side effects. I was so optimistic and that in itself is a miracle for me because I'm the most pessimissistic person you'll ever meet. But now that rug has been pulled out from under my feet. We're back to med roulette. Pick a side effect, any side effect. I'm so sick of it. Why can't somebody develop a drug without side effects? How hard can it be?
>
> Or maybe I'm just unfixable. I mean, I don't think my basic personality is going to change throughout this whole process. No wonder years ago they used to lock us all up. This world is no place for me so might just as well institutionalize me so everybody can forget about my existance.
>
> Or maybe, just maybe I'm expecting too much from life? Maybe we're not all meant to be happy, btw, what is happy anyway? I'm not sure I know.
>
> Or maybe, this is what my life was meant to be, maybe this is God's will for me. Who am I to fight God's will. He must know what is best for me, right? He doesn't want his children to suffer, so maybe I'm just fighting the will of God and my alotment in life.
>
> I just woke up, I had a dream that somebody was chasing me, I was trying soooo hard to find the police to help me. I found them but they didn't believe me. They thought I was making it up and started to ignore me. Then the person who was chasing me, finally found me and opened gunfire and that's it, I was gone. Have you ever died in your dreams? That's a first for me. I usually wake up just before it's going to happen but not this time, I was riddled with bullets like in a gangster movie you'd watch on TV. And the person who shot me was locked up in an institution for the mentally ill. hahaha.
>
> Wonder what Freud would do with that one? I don't know how to interpret dreams.
>
> Oh, I digressed. I'm horrible for doing that. So Scott, I wish you the best of luck with your trial of Lithium. I hope it goes much better for you than it did for me. I only lasted 2 weeks on it. But then again, we all react differently to each drug so this very well may be the one for you and I sincerely hope it is.
>
> Dang, I want a cookie now and I already ate the last one. :(
>
> AGOoops!!! Brain malfunction. Correction needed. It was the Lamictal that originally had no side effects, certainly not the Lithium.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 26, 2004, at 16:43:30
In reply to Re: Crying and nobody cares anymore » Angel Girl, posted by AuntieMel on June 25, 2004, at 15:53:29
> We care.
>
> Cats are very, very smart critters, and wonderful judges of character. They have the capability of seeing through the illness and only seeing the wonderful person you are.
>
> Let that give you strength for now. One day when the right combination of meds and therapy is found it will be easy for people to see that too.
>
> I'm mostly away from computers over the weekends these days, but I'll check in to see how you are doing.
Auntie MelThat's awfully sweet of you to want to check on me on the weekend. I'm ok, really I am. Just a little worse for wear.
I guess I held so much promise and optimism for the Lamictal to be *the* right one for me and when it failed to be so, it was just a *little* discouraging.
I wasn't really sure if it was ever working while I was on it since I was still more depressed than I thought I should be but now since coming off of it, in hindsight, I guess it was helping because now I'm coming unglued. Maybe with a stronger dosage it would've just been what I needed but that dang SJS got in the way of that and put a damper on things.
Now, it's back to square one playing med roulette. I feel like you might just as well put the names of all the potential meds I could try on a dart board. Throw a dart and whichever one it hits or is closest to, we'll go for that.
I'll never get back to work at this rate. Sometimes I wonder if I'll even have a job to go back to or if they'll let me go as soon as I return. Afterall, they've certainly managed without me now for 3 years, so why would they all of a sudden need me. <sigh>
But there's no reason to worry about me. I'm just very discouraged that the high optimism that I held for Lamictal failed to uphold and that the friendship I have with the person that I thought I was closest to, that is NIRL, is dying at a rapid pace and there is nothing I can do to stop it. And without the Lamictal in my system, I'm becoming more and more confrontational with people, something I would never do before. Other than that, I'm *normal*. haha
AG
Posted by TexasChic on June 28, 2004, at 13:39:14
In reply to Crying and nobody cares anymore, posted by Angel Girl on June 24, 2004, at 20:58:47
You know, I wrote you a big long email in response to this on Friday, then something happened and it dissapeared! Then I had to go home from work (the only place I have the internet right now) and of course now I can't remember it anymore. But I'm sure it was very profound. ;-)
Anyway, that first post that Dinah wrote was almost exactly word for word what my T told me. She always says, "You have to expand your support base", meaning, make more friends. I'm like, how on earth am I supposed to do that??? Its something I'm still trying to figure out, but I am trying, and am determined to keep trying until I suceed.
But what I really wanted to write to you about was your friend that's always negative. I had a 'friend' who literally verbally abused me. It turned into this terrible co-dependant relationship. One day I decided, you know, I'd rather have no friends at all, then a friend like this. And you know what? It was the best thing I ever did in my life! Let me repeat that: IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID IN MY LIFE!!! It was the turning point in my depression and the point when I finally started asking for help. At first it was *really* hard. But as time went by, I began to feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. It was only then that I realized remaining friends with her was what kept me down, and kept me from getting help and getting better. After a while, she would call me every month or so asking to get together. I was always like, "Sorry, I have other plans". It was actually exhilarating.
I've finally begun to realize that if I have toxic people in my life, it will eventually spread to me. Its still difficult, but at least now I recognize it for what it is. Like that friend that yelled at me on my camping trip (if you read that thread a while back), I've already decided she's out. I've worked too long and too hard to take that from *anyone* now.
I still waver – last week in particular was kind of bad for me. But I'm still here, and still working toward the ultimate goal of just being a happy, positive person.
So the point to this endless email I'm writing is this; sometimes you have to get rid of the toxic friends before you can befriend healthier more supportive friends. If she is nothing but negative and criticizes all the time, no wonder you feel so crappy! You can't just keep hearing that over and over without eventually believing it.
I know its hard, but you are *not* alone and people do care. I will keep trying, and I hope you will too.
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