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Re: Confirmation

Posted by Avamaria on February 10, 2010, at 13:47:46

In reply to Confirmation, posted by Avamaria on February 10, 2010, at 13:29:57

Not sorry for myself. Not anymore, at least. Sorry for having hurt other innocent people. Even if they weren't always innocent, I certainly wasn't. I was, what do they call it, oh, consciously, not ignorant but I consciously allowed myself to neglect aspects of what was said by others and grasp onto the things that were first nature in me to accept. Even though I knew, many times, that there was a strong possibility that my thoughts weren't rational. Even though I consciously pushed other possible realities away in order to judge, and to judge poorly.
There is something about the nature of my addiction, that is not only to do with the drug THC, affecting me into psychosis ... this was all about me, I made this all about me, and I have to accept the consequences of doing that even though I am realizing, like coming out of a sleep ... now Dr. Hsuing has it right, now all the proper precautions are there, to bring me into focus. Not that I had to go off in order to have that happen. But I did anyways and I deliberately became rude and obnoxious, as I had before, in order to gain the goal of being barred without having to ask nicely.
It was important to be as vicious as possible.
I'm really sorry, and I know too, in my reasonable new mind, how impossible sorry really is.
Like murdering someone and then saying "I'm sorry" as though that really made a difference.
It doesn't.
I'm sorry for all the victims I might have made in my state.
Even swearing doesn't cover that and make it right.
And attending to meaning where none existed. A side-effect of marihuana use, which is really just THC use, because the cannabinoids have been bred out of pot, and pot is no longer the innocuous thing it was in the 60's. All the anxiety I was left holding, each time I smoked up, which became a vicious cycle, a circle of abuse which I perpetrated on myself and then also onto this therapist who didn't know what the hell to do with me so terminated me. Not knowing or understanding that in my helpless state at the time, this was a death sentence, and he the executioner as well as the One making judgment and giving sentence. Not understanding about drug-induced psychosis and borderline personality disorder (emotional dysregulation) .... and how can it be this one man's responsibility to know what seems to have been previously unknown until very recently ...




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