Posted by Susan47 on November 3, 2005, at 19:40:39
It really is, it goes like this see
mania, feeling good, being positive, feeling too good, feeling too positive, feeling bad, needing to feel good, creation of mania .... feeling good, being positive, feeling too good, feeling too positive, feeling bad for feeling too positive, now needing to feel good, so go to Source, Create Mania
Right there. The circle has to be stopped at the Feel Good.
Someone has to stop my manic wheel. I've asked for help too many times, I have never been heard.
So I have to do it myself. I need to rely on me, myself, to stop the circle.
I can't ride the mania circle anymore, it's burning me out.
I'm not me, anymore.
I can't love myself anymore, or feel good about myself, anymore. I'm not taking care of me, but if I don't the truth is that no one else will. The truth is, we're all really alone. We can fool ourselves into thinking we're not, sometimes. I reach for those times. I live for them.
I'm killing myself, I know I am. I want to care again, I want to take care of my mind and my body, I want to feel alive again. But the fact is I never do, I never feel alive anymore unless I can fool myself into feeling good by myself. The truth is I Hate being by myself, but honest to God it's also true that I can't really stand very many people well enough to be around them for a long time. Unless they're very intimate with me. Which I don't really know what that feels like. I feel like an old child. Not a big kid, just an old one.