Posted by BarbaraCat on October 16, 2003, at 12:50:43
In reply to Re: Antabuse » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on October 15, 2003, at 19:31:47
Well, you're sure going through an upheaval as far as your chemistry is concerned. All of it, increasing Lam, decreasing Dep would be enough but add the alcohol withdrawal to it and it's no wonder you're feeling rocky. Plus, the more you write about your time in Scotland and the pregnancy, the more it seems like your psyche and your hormones never fully recovered and you've been running on a very low battery all this time. It's quite clear to me that not only does alcohol lift a dark mood (for a while at least), but there's also a huge energy jolt in it, all that D in the glass of D effect. I could always depend on whipping my exhausted, bored, depressed body into some kind of activity after a glass or two. So, if you're running on empty, the body must go through a hard time adjusting to no more of that false fuel, and it sure sounds like your energy has been depleted for some time now and you've been struggling so hard just to keep maintaining. I speak from personal experience. I can only trust that our adrenals will eventually heal and start working on their own steam instead of concentrated sugars that contain who knows what other crap in them.
So far, I'm having good luck with Rational Recovery. It's taken some time to finally be ready for The Big Plan, in that I will never drink or use again. Whew! What a hard concept. But the Rational Recovery book is helping tremendously. Everytime I go to the bathroom I read another section and it's keep me on track - thank goodness we have two bathrooms in the house! I don't like the AA bashing in it at all, but he does raise some valid points along those lines. I just wish everyone could get along better. I do feel for you having to continually muster up the strength with your work situation. It's got to eventually get better but right now it must suck big time. Yes, the loss of the comfort and elegant rituals of drinking is deep mourning. Also realizing that eventually it will mean the loss of former friends and acquaintances who are not in alignment with your quest for a different life expression.
Yes indeed, the holidays suck. On one hand everything's so pretty and glittery and I enjoy that part of it - a chance to enter into a wonderland twinkly thing. But so much is expected of us to be merry and put on and go to parties that are really a drain, or else not have parties to go to and end up feeling alone. It's about the only time I wish I had children since it's such a close family time and everyone else, even close friends, get left out of the day. My Mom died the first week of December last year so I'm trying to prepare myself for that. I know it will be very hard, as evidenced by my meltdown in the Christmas aisles at Costco a few days ago. But I WILL NOT cop out and spend the precious and poignant time of this first anniversary soused up because I think I can't stand it. I know I can.
The 'lesser Antabuse' is Naltrexone and a holistic doctor mentioned it to me a while back, not for alcohol, but because it has a way of causing rebound sensitivity in the opioid receptors and he felt people with depression and fibromyalgia had a glitch in their natural opiod system. Small dose Naltrexone seemed to reset that glitch and allow the bodies natural opiods to do their job. But in larger amounts it quells the desire for getting high and getting high just doesn't work anyway so why bother. If it has that additional opiod thing then all the better.
I hope that you've found the right AA group, or another group, that will provide the support during the challenging holiday season. Here's a thought and one that I might take my own suggestion. Maybe going to a meditation retreat or Zen center where it would be tres uncool to imbibe could get a leg up on things and help to pass over that hump more gracefully. I know that when I'm feeling a good peaceful kind of feeling I don't really want to do anything to mess with it, it's enough. It's the giddy hypomanic merry happy that's a problem for me cause it's never enough, I just want to go higher. Well, if you've never been to the Tassajara Zen Center, you can't do much better than that. They're lightyears away from a liquor store in more ways than one. They usually close for the winter but I think there's something going over the holidays. Or any such place as long as not too expensive or there's a work exchange. There are so many retreat and spiritual centers and ashrams that have alternative holiday retreats and they're sounding better and better as I think about it. Breitenbush in Oregon is pretty fabulous and I know they have an extended holiday retreat. The thought of chanting and gongs and that deep sense of peace has it all over that bleary hangover shit. Love ya, Barbara
> I am afraid of the holiday season and may start taking that lesser "antabuse" one that you mentioned. just thru' Nov. Dec. Due to how hard it actually is to make the committment to stop and then do it, I can't indulge. Because once i start again, this soon into it, I won't stop again just b/c the holiday season is over and I won't have learned how to drink differently in the course of two months. I need two years I think for that. it trully sucks right now; hopefully I'll get over it. The holidays always suck for me anyway cuz' I'm normally alone(ish). I always managed by drinking my way thru' them (even when family is involved). It's a hard time. apart from when I'm happy and happily with family, I detest the holidays. i wish I could just depart away from the festivities and go to a culture that isn't doing that for two months. Maybe I'll survive.
> take care,