Posted by corafree on October 17, 2004, at 21:15:07 [reposted on October 19, 2004, at 1:39:39 | original URL]
In reply to Re: Urge,Plan,Tools - Suicide » corafree, posted by fallsfall on October 17, 2004, at 9:38:19
Hey, sorry not responding, feeling very slow and fearful. I've written a sort of summary of events that led to ideation and how I dealt with it. I just could not afford a hospital bill, not even a $50 one to pay in the future. I want my children to be left w/ as little as possible of my debt, if any. Guess I am not sure how long I can hold on. Again, my anxiety is so high, but you're right, it'll go down sometime, but I need a 'little kudo' to bring me up from someone I know. W/o you all I don't know that I'd be free to take care of myself and do as I need, whereas in hospital care, I would not be allowed to take my pain medication and would be miserable. My summary follows:
Physical pain, rejection, devastation, fear of abandonment, and so sick of this constant reoccurring cycle, feeling that death had to be better. No open lines at crisis. They almost make me feel worse; sharing w/ complete strangers bring out my obstinant behavior. No friend except a nonstop talker who has a bipolar illness.
Events leading to 'NEEDING A WAY OUT':
My only support, youngest daughter, since my dad's passing, out of town. She is my only advocate and validates my mental and physical illnesses.
She and her husband are going in debt for me; physical issues, medicine, transportation. I do not qualify for AHCCCS in my state. I am $40 over the poverty level. I lost 10lbs when dad died, but can't get food stamps, so not gaining back.
My first born daughter kept me at arm's length Thur after giving birth to first baby. I'm in tears believing every hormonal face slap she slings at me.
A new man, I was falling in love with, and the man I thought my father, who passed in Feb, sent me for a 'buddy', walked out on me, slammed door in anger that same evening. I'm dumped again (or did I dump?). Alone. Oh no, not again? I'm always alone again!
After being unable to reach crisis, listening to friend's rapid speech, posting here and there on DB, I resorted to calling the last person available, my ex (abusive) husband. I needed comfort or else! He let me lie beside him, cry about daughter dejecting me for her newborn and the father, cry about no one loving me (not explaining the rejection by the new door-slammer), cry about financial no-win situation and putting my other daughter in poorhouse, cry about growing old alone, cry about being bad. He just said 'it's okay', 'everything will be alright', 'oh, that's not true' as I whimpered like a little dying bird. Tremors, fast heartbeat, panic, and shallow breathing subside. Fell asleep. Upon waking, thankful to be alive and happily not in cervical pain. I know you can guess the price I had to pay for this comfort the next morning?! We'd been married 13 years; children think of him as dad. They really have three, but one is a hermit in Alaska. Such a life worth living?!
poster:corafree
thread:35310
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041016/msgs/404611.html